Debate Camp - Palin Learns to Make Faces

   AP - Washington DC

   In a crash course on grimaces and sneers, Gov. Sarah Palin is being coached by a pro. Her running mate, Sen. John McCain has been taking extra time with his distaff partner to show her the ropes on "put downs" and "eye rolling". 

   The fundamentals of debate are a strong suit for McCain, long seen as a top notch debater. "You've gotta show the other guy is an idiot without saying the words." 

   McCain went on to disclose his secret debate weapon, "When the other guy makes a really good point - I make a face like he farted, a real stinker. See?" he said, then demonstrated the eye-watering squint.

   Gov. Palin claims she's prepped for prime time. "Are you kidding? We eat moose... and I know what a rancid fart smells like. I'm ready."

Alabama Campaign Chief for Obama goes over to McCain

   AP - Mobile

   Obama headquarters in this southern town are in an uproar as the local campaign chief, Sally Mayhew announced her switch to McCain. "I am furious," she recently roared at reporters for the Mobile Sun, "Nobody told me Obama was a Negro."

   Mayhew, who has been blind since birth, expressed her frustration with the lack of honesty apparent in the Obama camp. "I may be blind, but I am not stupid. I feel tricked. There aughta' be a law or something. I mean, listen to the man... all smart-sounding and peaceful-like. And he's a Negro, God help us!"

   Her upset is compounded by the fifteen months she was worked tirelessly for an Obama win. "Somebody better tell me if McCain's colored or not." she added, waving her white cane at the gathered journalists, "Christ on a crutch - how are you supposed to know anymore?"

Shotgun Wedding ALERT! Palin says, "They do."

   AP - Wasilla

   In a perfectly planned antidote to her disastrous press encounters, Governess Sarah Palin has announced the pre-election marriage of her pregnant daughter Bristol to hockey playing homunculus Levi Johnston.

   In a media coup that will rival the royal wedding of Diana to the Prince of Wales, the hometown marriage of this rough-neck Romeo to his hillbilly hook-up promises to wipe Iraq, the Wall Street crisis and the debates from the front page of every newspaper in the country.

   And John McCain could not be more pleased, "I love weddings," the senator beamed, "America loves weddings. What's not to love?" Clearly, he will love commanding the news cycle for the week of the nuptials. He added, "Oh, I'll be there, you can bet on it. And Cindy. She's got this smokin' hot pink outfit. She's Maid of Honor, you know. Matron, I guess... whatever."

Palin Defends Creationist Belief "Humans Rode on Dinosaurs for Fun"

   AP - Omaha

   Vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin has been criticized for her religious belief that the earth is only 6,000 years old and humans co-existed with the dinosaurs. Scientists hold that the creatures died out 65 million years before humans developed as a species.

   To prove her point, Palin presented a photograph showing a human footprint in the fossil of a dinosaur footprint. "See, they wore Teva-like sandals like they show in those Bible pictures. I rest my case."

Poll Dancing

Sen. Obama has flipped Sen. McCain's poll numbers since the Sept. 5-7 data showed a 49% to 44% McCain lead among registered voters.

McCain Bummed at Debate Performance

   AP - Mississippi

   Republican presidential candidate John McCain walked off the stage in a huff after delivering a less than stellar performance during his first debate with Sen. Barack Obama. He was overheard questioning an aide, "Did I mention the P.O.W. thing?"

   But unlike his opponent who stopped to talk with the crowds of Ole Miss scholars and sign autographs, "Back off, motherfuckers," was the only thing McCain said to a group of honors students gathered to meet the maverick senator. He was apparently in no mood for chit-chat.

Bush Tries it Again - Fails

   AP - Washington

   In an amazing repeat command performance, practicing alcoholic and current president George Walker Bush delivered his "Scare the Bejeesus out of the Simpletons" speech with all the solemnity and gravitas of an Epcot automaton.

   Inserting the words "economy" and "financial crisis" where "Iraq" and "weapons of mass destruction" once served to strike fear into the hearts of all Americans, Bush was only half as successful in his attempts this time around.

   And how did this presidential rallying cry play on Main Street? Gathered around the television at Sammy's Bar in Omaha's once thriving downtown area, patrons were unimpressed by the president they twice voted for. Bartender Jinnie Spornak complained loudly, "I heard that shit before. Does he think we're retarded? Christ allmighty."

   Asked whether the current economic disaster would affect their votes in November, most patrons agreed that Sen. McCain was a war hero who deserved their worship and that Gov. Palin was "fuckable, like that naughty librarian in the porn movies".

HOLLYWOOD NEWSFLASH! Tears in Tinseltown

   AP - Hollywood

   Policywanker digresses from the heat of political battle with this sad item from California: Comic and former SNL star, Chris Kattan's 59-day marriage to Sunshine Tutt (She claimed descendance from the Egyptian Boy King) has ended in a bitter "he said - she cried" courtroom battle.

   Aspiring actress Tutt signed a pre-nup wherein she would receive a divorce settlement of only $10,000. But now, according to released court documents, she will receive somewhere in the low six-figures. Not bad for a two-month gig.

   Policywanker sends his condolences and requests the return of his Oneida flatware service for eight.

Alaskan Bears For Palin

   AP - Anchorage

   Regardless of her preference for hunting grizzlies from airplanes, some Alaskan bears just love their governess. 

   Regional Director of the Anchorage Man/Bear Love Society, Willie DuPont weighs in with his assessment of the VP candidate, "She looks just like Karen Walker, you know, on Will & Grace, the TV show? Come on, you remember."

   That favorable opinion seemed to be the rule at Big Fatty's Bar in downtown Anchorage on a recent Saturday night. Most of the clientele voiced support for their "governor gal". The evening was punctuated by shouted catch phrases like "Who's your Daddy?" and "Oh, Poodle..." made popular by the cancelled comedy series. 

   One notable exception to the Palin fan club was Carl "Cubby" McShane, "I fuckin' hate the dumb slut. And I never saw that damned TV show everybody keeps talking about. Wake up - she's a disaster wrapped in a mindfuck and topped with shit-for-brains sauce."

SHOCKING REVELATION! It's Witchcraft...

   AP - Wasilla

   The videotape of a bizarre 2005 religious ritual has been unearthed showing VP-hopeful Sarah Palin being protected from demons and evil spirits as she prayed for a successful sojourn through politics and into the governor's mansion. Kenyan Evangelical Pastor Thomas Muthee presided over the ritual, laying on his hands and pronouncing all manner of mumbo-jumbo. Muthee gained fame in his Kenyan community after successfully battling the local witch known as Mama Jane, making the way clear for the power of Jesus to enter the village.

   In the ritual performed over the willing Palin, "witches" were banished and their power mitigated, so Sarah could rise to power in the government, paving the way for Jesus to return to the White House, I guess.

   Doubters beware, after the exorcism, Palin went on to win the governorship and is poised for an even bigger prize.

   And if you don't believe Policywanker - watch this: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR8ybt82kjc

Palin Meets World Leaders Starting With "A"

   AP - Washington DC

   With things under control in her home state of Alaska, Governess and VP candidate Sarah Palin went to Washington to begin her cram course on world politics. McCain strategists have rented a series of world leaders to help Palin understand where each country is. 

   To simplify the process, her education is following an alphabetical approach, Palin first met with Afghan president Hamid Karzai. Her goal is to complete the A-to-Z list, meeting with the territorial leader of Zanzibar before the November election. When asked about the ambitious schedule, Palin was enthusiastic, "I thought Africa was a country. It's weird, isn't it?"

   Expressing her thoughts on meeting Karzai, the governess was introspective. "What an interesting man. I couldn't understand a thing he said, but did you see that cape?" 

Palin Clamps Down on Dissidents

AP - Juneau

   The round-up of dissidents continues as Alaska Governess Sarah Palin tightens the statewide dragnet in an effort to "cleanse the state of dangerous people with ideas". So far, over two hundred people have been detained in the state capitol and dozens more are under police protection around the state.

   "We must separate the wheat from the chaff," Palin announced in an early morning press conference. "And by chaff, I mean those chattering terrorists. So listen up, I will not rest in my efforts to rid our state of bad guys and secure the liberties and freedoms we Alaskans hold dear. And you're all getting bigger oil revenue checks this year - cool, huh?"

   When asked to confirm reports that four ACLU attorneys were arrested upon arriving at the Anchorage airport, Governess Palin smiled, stating only, "Yeah, like three Jews and a Black chick are going to scare me."

Alaska Crackdown Update

   AP - Juneau

   Following the round-up of her critics in Alaska, Governess Sarah Palin has gone on the offensive with the media decrying their coverage of her militaristic maneuvers to silence the investigation known as Troopergate.

   "I am only one woman, doing everything I can to ensure the security of all citizens of this great state. If you only knew the plotting that is going right now - today - that puts all of us so very much in the Code Red territory. Not yellow, not orange, but really, really red." She explained her reasoning for mobilizing the state's National Guard as one of Homeland Security, adding, "If we learned anything from 9/11, it was 'Be alert, be ready and be Americans."

   Palin reminded members of the press corps covering her campaign that she heard "terrorist chatter" that could not be taken lightly. "Chatter, people - real, live gosh darned chatter. It made the hair on my arms stand right up."

   Meanwhile, some of those currently being detained as a "threat to Homeland Security" are members of Congress in Alaska's State House. None could be reached for comment.

Poll Dancing

Palin Mobilizes National Guard

   AP - Juneau

   In a shocking development to the Troopergate scandal, Alaskan governess and VP hopeful Sarah Palin has mobilized the Alaskan National Guard, thus ending any official investigation into her misuse of power probe.

   Siting "internet chatter" about terrorist plots, Palin has embraced her mantle as Commander of the National Guard and issued the statement that "All citizens of our great state should be on the look-out for traitors and suspicious activities." 

   Under orders to "arrest all citizens spreading traitorous lies and thereby sowing the seeds of sedition", the Guard has taken into custody thirteen members of the Alaska House of Representatives and four state senators.

   Also caught in the dragnet was Palin's former secretary Edith Joseph, a Tlinget native and critic of the governor's sudden change of behavior as a national figure. Now under detention in Juneau, Joseph made a prohibited cellphone call to the Anchorage Times. "She is a bad one, that woman. All of sudden she goes Lower Forty-Eight on us." The call was cut short as the angry Joseph was discovered using the contraband phone. Her final comment brings to the forefront her concerns for Alaska's future, "Somebody gotta stop her!"

TROOPERGATE UPDATE: No longer "Hold me accountable" -Palin says "Hold me"

   After dodging the investigators and the media on whether or not she misused the power of her position to fire people she didn't like, Governess Sarah Palin now asks for understanding.

   "Can't we just move on? It was so long ago and I've been having email trouble. How can I remember who said what to who - I'm just a mom, sheesh!"

   Todd Palin, champion snowmobiler and member of the Alaskan Succession Party, has refused to testify after being subpoenaed by the investigation committee. And issued a challenge,  "Those guys are pussies. I'd like to see them make me."

   But his wife is taking a softer approach with the lawmakers. While appearing at a rally in Kansas City, she addressed the scandal by singing the refrain, "Don't you wish your VeePee was hot like me... dontcha? Dontcha, baby... Dontcha?"

   

   

Palin Bump Deflates

   

   

     An unsurprising turn in a campaign full of surprises shows Alaskan Governess Palin's favorable polling numbers among women dropping.

   Political analyst Jim Reade explains, "After the convention and the excitement of her teen daughter's pregnancy story wore off, I think most women are starting to realize what a bitch she is." Others place the blame on a closer look at Palin's extreme religious fanatacism.

   When asked, "Would you abort the fetus if you were raped by Satan?" Most female respondents polled replied, "Yes, definitely." 

   But when asked the same question during a rally in Des Moines, VP candidate Palin replied, "Absolutely not. The Antichrist is a harbinger of the return of Jesus Christ. I'd knit booties and get ready for the ass-kickings."

Joe Shows Sarah How to Point

   In a daring challenge to Gov. Palin's constant use of the index finger in her stump speeches, VP contender Joe Biden went all the way, raising the stakes and BOTH of his pointy fingers.

   "See?" the senator exclaimed at yesterday's Senate debate on the worsening financial crisis, "I've got 'em and I'm not afraid to use 'em!"

   When asked to comment on the direct attack against her style of politics, Gov. Palin responded, "So what, I've got these..." raising both index fingers and pointing to her breasts, "...end of story."

Palin Continues Giving the Finger

   As previously noted, VP wannabe Sarah Palin has taken to using her index finger during public gatherings and speeches. It flies in the face of established political norms. But waving it, pointing it and shaking it front of running mate John McCain, maverick Palin seems to enjoy its versatile use.

   Policywanker will continue its ongoing coverage of this phenomenon.

Support Our Troops! Senator McCain, have you no sense of decency?

   And what about the Vets?

Despite his lying claims that Vet groups give him their highest ratings, the facts tell a different story.

   Sen. McCain has voted against Veteran's health care and was absent on the day of the vote to pass the new GI Bill, for which the famously former P.O.W. now takes credit.

   Let's pay attention, Red Staters!

Poll Dancing

It's A DEAD HEAT! Are you fucking kidding me...?

Which of these statements are for sure TRUE?

Sarah "If I were President" Palin would 

a) put an end to abortion in cases of rape and incest

b) AK-47 target shoot on the White House lawn

c) put KKK judges on the Supreme Court

d) wait patiently for Armageddon to fulfill her wish of seeing Jesus return "in her lifetime".

ANSWERS: a and d (probably b and possibly c)

POLICYWANKER COMMENTARY: Return of the Pointy Finger

   Long discredited as a campaign practice, the brandishing of the pointy finger has returned to the stump speech. Maverick VP contender Sarah Palin often uses the demeaning and scornful index finger wave to prove herself "on top of the issues" and demean her opponents as "just plain wrong".

   Not since the days of the televised Kennedy-Nixon debates have audiences seen so much index finger waving. The impact of focus groups and spin doctors created an environment of caution around the practice. The average voter responding to images of politicians waving a pointy finger claimed they felt "talked down to" and "shamed".

   As a result, politicians took to the Thumb Jab for emphasis in their speeches. By making a fist and pointing outward with the thumb, speechmakers found it was a less threatening, albeit less clear, gesture.

   But no more. The gloves are off and voters should prepare themselves for an ongoing election campaign that is more akin to a lecture from the iconoclastic Schoolmarm of Anchorage.

Adopted McCain Daughter Asks for Day Off

   

AP - Washington DC 

   The adopted Bangladeshi daughter of presidential candidate John McCain has had enough. Speaking to reporters camped at the kitchen door of the senator's Washington DC residence, Bridget McCain appeared tired and sweaty. Dressed in a traditional maid's uniform, Ms McCain pleaded with reporters to "get the word out" that she wanted a day off from chores.

   Bridget is often missing from McCain family photos. "It's because I'm always busy doing stuff. It's not mom and dad's fault." She went on to explain, "You just wouldn't believe how much there is to do in a day. And it's not that I'm ungrateful, but, I could use some time off every now and then. I know it sounds selfish and I feel bad."

   Asked whether the McCains treated her well, Bridget was unable to answer as Cindy McCain appeared to end the interview. The attractive beer heiress was less than cordial to reporters as she grabbed her daughter by the hair, shouting, "Where are my pink heels? Where are they?"

Gov. Palin Attends White House Eulogy for Constitution

   High-level Republican members from Congress joined selected lobbyists and rising party star, Sarah Palin in a White House funeral service for the US Constitution. The 222 year-old document was buried in the floor of an East Wing conference room after a moving eulogy delivered by President George W. Bush.

   "We must not mourn change," the president explained in his ten minute oratory, "but welcome the exciting possibilities that await us." He went on to decry Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama's outdated stance on the Constitution, "Senator Obama thinks a piece of paper is more important than people. He thinks that regular folks, Americans, don't matter. Well, we're here to show him he's wrong."

   The president acknowledged Gov. Palin and her meteoric rise to the national stage. "We have with us today the hope for our country. This little gal is a rock star. And I, for one, am proof that experience, education and world travel do not make up for presidential-ness."

   

   

McCain Snaps - Calls Palin 'the C Word'

   AP - Des Moines, Iowa

   In a shocking moment of angry venom, presidential candidate and old fart John McCain called his more popular vice-presidential running mate a "simple-minded cunt".

   Seemingly vexed by the low turn-out of media and supporters at a Des Moines rally, the fiesty Republican was overheard berating his staff, "I want that simple-minded cunt at every podunk whistle-stop and coffee shop I'm at - who the hell does she think she is - Cheney?"

   Campaign spokesman Sally Rankle tried to sell the outburst as "just another instance of the liberal media taking Senator McCain's words out of context." She added, "He was a P.OW. remember? You people try living in a box and eating spiders. See how you like it!"

   Rankle then lectured the gathered reporters to "listen better." She characterized the situation as one of unclear listening skills on the part of the press corps. "What the senator said was - Governor Palin is a simple country girl, with small town values, someone you can have a coffee with." 

   But members of the press covering the McCain campaign weren't buying it. CNN reporter Dana Brash was heard to mutter, "Yeah, right... and I'm skilled journalist."

Clinton Agrees to Bone Palin "for the good of the Democratic Party"

   AP - Washington D.C.

   Former president and notorious hound-dog, Bill Clinton has been recruited to "charm the pants off" of vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

    Democratic strategists have concluded that a sex scandal is the only way to take the shine off of the seemingly invincible Alaskan governor. When approached with this strategy, Clinton smiled before commenting, "I will if they want me to, but I don't want to hear about it later!" 

Poll Dancing

Palin's Secret Weapon - "Denim Day"

   AP - Vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin has announced her list of "to-do's" once she takes the helm in Washington. First on her agenda is making the cabinet meetings a more friendly place.

   "Cheney had his 'secret' policy meetings, well I have my own approach to getting things done." she explained, laying out a list of themed business days. "Oh my, wait til you see everybody on Hula Day... it's a kick!"

   The list of theme-oriented meeting days includes 'Stars-n-Stripes', 'Faces from History', 'You must have been a Beautiful Baby!', 'Characters from the Bible' and 'Rape and Pillage Day' (pictured above).

   Palin concluded that this unorthodox style of governance was the key to her success as an executive."We saw morale rise and those folks who are snooty - well, they just got over themselves, or I fired them."

McCain Courts the Virgin Vote

AP - Mexico City

   Standing before the Shrine to the Virgin of Guadalupe, US presidential candidate John McCain marveled at the image's resemblance to his first wife, then added,, "I feel guilty just looking at it. Can we move on?" 

   Current wife and First Lady hopeful, Cindy, held back before leaving the Cathedral, asking to be left alone to pray. "I want some "me" time with the shawl, if you reporters don't mind."

   When asked later if she prayed for her husband's election win, Mrs. McCain looked perplexed then stated, "What? No, I asked for vaginal rejuvenation, if it's any of your beeswax."

Cindy Defends Drug Use, "Even Jackie had a Pillbox Hat!"

   AP - Decrying the media's remembrances of her Personal Charity/Medicine Cabinet, Cindy McCain has taken to defending her misuse of prescription drugs and blaming the doctors she hired to supply her.

   "I am under constant attack, it's unfair. The liberal media takes extra pleasure in making me look bad. Those doctors knew it was illegal to give me all those lovely little pills... the blue ones... oh... I did love the blue ones. It's really their fault, isn't it? Those quacks had it coming."

   Despite the fact that the Charity's physicians were caught supplying Mrs. McCain's habit and subsequently lost their licenses to practice medicine, she has no regrets. "I think we did good things for somebody. Poor people, I think, who couldn't get Vicodin otherwise. Isn't that what 'giving back' means?"

Liar! Liar!

   In the ongoing campaign to convince you that Night is Day and we are winning the War on Terror (which means we are either the most terrific, or most terrible - USA! USA!), the McCain/Palin ticket has been promoting a steady stream of bald-faced lies (e.g. Obama is a sexist pig for calling Palin a make-up wearing pig; Palin didn't play Bridge when clearly she cashed the check and deals from under the deck; Obama's kindergarten sex-ed class showed youngsters how to perform a Dirty Sanchez, etc...).

   Media watchdog factcheck.org has issued a complaint with the McCain camp stating, "We just can't keep up. Give us a breather here, we're begging you, please."

Palin's First Interview "Happy 9/11, America! Now Kiss My Ass"

   In her first national interview after being selected the Vice-Presidential candidate for the Republican Party, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska has come out swinging. In a primetime ABC head-to-head with journalist Charles Gibson, Palin was charming and assertive, announcing her plans to invade Russia and "bring the message of Jesus to the Muslim hordes".

   When questioned about her lack of national security experience, Gov. Palin winked to the camera, and purred, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours."

   On questions about her policies as the governor of a state of 700,000 residents (roughly the population of Columbus, OH), Palin was coy in her description of demands for hotel expenses when she stayed in her own home. "You should see my mini-bar bills!"

   Reporter Gibson took a respectful, if dubious, approach to Palin's strong-arm stance with Moscow. "We've got to show them who's boss, Chuck." Palin enthused, "They think they can attack Georgia... They're wrong. I've been to Atlanta. These are good people, the Georgians, we have to protect all Americans. I say let's hit Putin and hit him hard. And those other guys, with the beards all wrapped up in their turbans, the cab driver guys, they're really weird."

   ABC will air the interview over two nights to irritate the other networks.

Palin's Parents Vow to Kill One of Every Species for Trophy Room "for Jesus"

AP - Wasilla, Alaska

   VP hopeful Sarah Palin's parents live in a one-room log cabin on the outskirts of Wasilla. Avid hunters and amateur taxidermists, they have a common shared dream. "We want to display one of every kind of God's creatures here in our home.", beamed Sally Heath as she pointed to the amazing collection of dead animals covering the walls. "It's really just a hobby, but we love it!" 

   Gov. Palin's father Chuck explained, "You see, we are here on this planet as an expression of the Lord's love - and we want to show how much we are loved by Him. So, it's a reminder, you know, and it always chokes me up."

   The Heaths have more than two hundred animal species mounted in various poses and attitudes. "My favorite," chimed Sally, "is the dove of peace over the dinette set. It just has a way of making me feel good."

Lipsticking Pig Craze Sweeps Nation

   "We are a much maligned minority," lamented Porcine Rights leader, Curly Sue. "We have as much right to practice maquillage as the next mammal."

   Her comments came amidst the media frenzy of presidential candidate Barack Obama's use of the old canard, "like putting lipstick on a pig". A McCain camp spokesman decried the term as a transparent slander against current lipstick-user and VP hopeful Sarah Palin. 

   But the Porcine community is up in arms over being brought into the fray. Curly Sue added, "Our dignity is at stake here. We have absolutely no connection to the Republican Party or that hateful Palin woman who kills animals for fun. And don't call us Lipstuck Pigs! It's just creepy."

Obama Apologizes for Lipstick Pig Remark

   After a heated back and forth between McCain and Obama camps regarding the Democratic presidential candidate's use of an old expression, Senator Obama has released a statement correcting his verbiage. The admonition, "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig." - indicating dressing up an old idea, doesn't change the idea - has been used countless times by politicians, both Republican and Democratic. 

   But McCain spokesman Brian Rogers, told CNN, "It's obviously offensive and disrespectful. He's referring to Gov. Palin's use of lipstick. Who else in this campaign uses lipstick...? I mean, she's a lady, for god's sake!"

   Sen. Obama has released a statement apologizing to pigs and hogs for any offense, adding, "What I meant to say was - Dressing up dangerous fascist ideology with Christian values is like putting lipstick on a Nazi Bitch."

Beast to Palin, "Please, stop killing us."

   AP - In a hastily arranged meeting with a representative from the animal kingdom, Gov. Sarah Palin addressed issues of the environment and wildlife habitat.

   "What did we ever do to you?" was the first question addressed to the governor by the animal's Ambassador, known simply as "The Beast".

   Palin smiled and nodded giving no direct reply, but turning to an aide, was heard to whisper, "I'll need an eight by ten tarp and the sharpest skinning knife you can find."

Gov. Palin then steered the discussion to be more of a standard stump speech, referring again to the severed left forelegs of wolves and the bounty she pays to hunters.

   The meeting came to an abrupt close and reporters were cleared from the room. 

   Moments later, when what sounded like gunfire was heard from behind the closed door, the governor's aide appeared to assure the gathered reporters that the governor's rifle had accidently mis-fired while she was cleaning it. The aide then distributed, at the governor's request, the Department of Fish and Wildlife pamphlet on Gun Cleaning and Safety Rules.

"See, even she has trouble sometimes." the aide announced before returning to the governor's office.

FLASHBACK! 2000 - Mayoress Palin Gets Porked

Contrary to her "No Earmarks!" campaign, while doing her shift as mayor of Wasilla, AK - population 6700 - Sarah Palin lobbied for a constant stream of Federal subsidies between the years of 2000-2003, totaling a whopping $27 Million. Remember, folks - that's tax money you ponied up.

What did they buy? A Rail Link to Girdwood, AK (hometown of corrupt boss Sen. Ted Stevens) among other less critical emergency services.

All this through a sweetheart deal with Stevens. His "bridge to nowhere" redirected cashflow right into Palin's town kitty. She proudly defended her bridge by festooning a t-shirt to memorialize the moment the check cashed.

FOX NEWS Intern Training Program Announced

FOX NEWS announces its new Intern Training Program. Candidates must show an ability to research and assimilate a wide range of Conservative views and political opinion.

Special attention to detail and a good working ethic is recommended, but not required.

Successful candidates must display a willingness to work long hours with no pay, but the promise of a better tomorrow.

Poll Dancing REDUX

"I like John on top!" an exuberant Cindy McCain crows.

Let The Book Burning Begin! Palin wanted these books banned...

Like the Nazi Princess she is, wrapped in a flag and topped with a cross (It's called a Jesus Burrito), Governess Palin enquired about the removal of some all-time Classic literature from the Wasilla library back in the day. We're talking Shakespeare, people - what's the problem with a little cross-dressing fun?

So, the librarian balked and a town brou-ha-ha ensued. *Policywanker's Note: A "brouhaha" is a 16th century dramatic exclamation used by on-stage characters representing the Devil.

ATTENTION OBAMA/BIDEN CAMP: Get on this shit! These are NOT "mainstream values" they are "downstream... way, way downstream, like storm drain/fetid offal run-off downsteam". Got it?

This partial list is taken from the official minutes of the Wasilla Library Board (sorry, this is all true):

A Clockwork Orange by Burgess

A Wrinkle in Time by L'Engle

Brave New World by Huxley

Canterbury Tales by Chaucer

Carrie by King (Noooo! Not Carrie!)

Catch-22 by Heller

Curses, Hexes and Spells by Cohen (That one, she kept for personal use)

Death of a Salesman by Miller

Harry Potter (all of them, natch)

Heather Has Two Mommies by Newman (there's Lesbians in it)

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Twain (there's a Black guy in it)

My Friend Flicka by O'Hara (there's a Black horse in it)

Our Bodies Ourselves by The Women's Collective (there's a "how to make a baby" recipe in it)

Slaughterhouse 5 by Vonnegut

Tarzan of the Apes by Burroughs (you got me on this one... what could be more mainstream than a mono-syllabic male grunting demands for food and sex?)

Twelfth Night by Shakespeare

The list is 90 books loooong...

But the coup de grace is - 

Webster's Ninth NEW Collegiate Dictionary - Banned for simply having the words "vagina" and "penis" in it.

Palin's Church Will Un-Gay You

RAID UNSUCCESSFUL

AP/Wasilla -

    In a surprise early-morning raid, the members of Wasilla Bible Church's Outreach Ministry surrounded the home of "Big Barb" Swenson, manager of the local fish cannery and Wasilla's only practicing Lesbian. The ministry, called "Homo No More" claims that through accepting Jesus, gays and Lesbians can change their sexual orientation and "live an OK life". Pastor Jim Paul Gibbons adds, "People should fuck only who God says to fuck, it's in the Bible."

    The pre-dawn intervention, however, did not go as planned. Warned by an anonymous tip,  a well-armed Swenson held the raiding party at bay until State Troopers arrived on the scene to disperse the crowd.

    "I am not gonna take no shit from no one!" shouted an angry Swenson, as Deputy Sheriff Tom Packer tried to defuse the situation. Packer added later, "Big Barb was madder than all get out. You don't want to get her pissed at you."

Policywanker Goes to AK - So you don't have to. Part 2

Feeling altogether Vice-presidential after shooting a weapon so dangerously close to other human beings, I moved onto my next phase in understanding Sarah's mojo. 

It was time to catch, kill and eat something. I chose fish.

What is that special feeling you get when posing with a dead fish in your hands? There is a word I'm searching for... what is it? It's something visceral, something ancient, something I now shared with the VP-wannabe Palin. 

Oh yes... it's victory over the powerless.

Policywanker Goes to AK - So you don't have to. Part I

In my ongoing efforts to find out what the fuck is up with Alaska and the Governess Palin... I travelled to the Frozen State. 

There, I discovered that Gov. Sarah "I brake for Jesus" Palin is worshipped as a Nature Sprite/Demi-Goddess, capable of granting wishes and lubricating a chassis in sub-zero temps.

She is often seen in nature at dawn, the sunlight glistening on her porcelain skin, killing shit.

In an attempt to witness first-hand this awesome spectacle, Policywanker went to Alaska in hopes of experiencing the Palin Phenomenon up close. But first, I had to acclimate myself to the local habits.

I got a gun. And I shot it. It was really, really loud. Nothing died, but I felt something akin to power. And I wet myself a little.