Ghost of Dead Oscar Mayer Crashes Weinermobile

AP - Racine

   Wiener mogul Oscar Mayer died recently at the age of 95. And apparently, he's not happy about it. Strange occurrences have been reported around the wiener factory and now, the famous Wienermobile.

   Yesterday, Sally Blodsky, who drives the trademarked hot dog vehicle, lost control of it mid-turn and crashed into the Racine home of Nick Krupp. "I heard this old man's voice," Blodsky told police on the scene. "He was just screaming at me, you know, bossing me...'Turn here! Turn there! You're going too fast!' ...like some damn backseat driver. I just lost it!"

   In the Oscar Mayer plant, workers claim to have seen a ghostlike figure hovering over the rendering vats. "It's the old man, all right," said longtime fat renderer Willie Sandinski. "He was a real S.O.B. always chewing my ass for nuthin'. Now he's dead, so screw him. I think they put him in the grinder."

   "Where's the body?" shouted casings technician Tina Wiesnewsky over the roar of the sausage stuffer, " That's what I want to know. The old man lived for this company. I heard it's in his will somewheres - Put me in the meat, he says... that's what I heard, anyways."

   No injuries were reported in the Wienermobile mishap. But police investigators are unable to explain the strange voices heard by the driver. Wisconsin Sheriff Deputy Danny Nodnick thinks there could be more to the story. "This may not be a simple case of dog bites house."

Pope Breaks Wrist in Masturbation Mishap

AP - Vatican City

   Anonymous sources in the Catholic Church hierarchy are reporting the supposed "fall" that resulted in the pontiff's broken wrist was in actuality a moment of self-pleasure gone wrong.

   Reigning Pope and Nazi Mastermind, Benedict XVI, was taken to hospital yesterday suffering from pains in his right wrist. Official reports claimed the Holy Voice of Christ on Earth took a fall in his apartment and that the injury was not serious.

   But conflicting stories have emerged that point to Pope Ben's predilection for jacking off and osteoporosis as the real reasons for the broken wrist. "He's not as young as he thinks he is." the anonymous source went on, "Il Papa must take special care of his bones and his boners."

Senator Smalley is Good Enough and Smart Enough

...and doggone it, the Minnesota Supreme Court likes him.

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX: Senate Edition

With that, the Democrats achieve their three decade goal of a filibuster-proof margin to fuck up the Republicans.

Let's see how long it takes them to really screw the pooch. As nothing messes with small minds like absolute power.

Take, for example, the proposed revamping of our national Health Care system. With drug and insurance money pouring into every congressional orifice, how long will it take for Dems to swoon under the pressure and "just so happen" to listen to their concerned constituents back home and call for the preservation of personal choice. Personal choice, these are the buzz words of the current rash of commercials hitting the airwaves to scare the gray hairs into calling Washington to plead for no change in the rape and pillage policies of corporate controlled health care.

The ads paint a soviet picture of faceless physicians clueless to our ills and prescription needs. "My doctor" will be lost from our lexicon as we are poked and prodded by anonymous hacks who don't know "where it hurts".

Policywanker points out to these stupid suckers that "where it hurts" is in their slowly shrinking net worth. While co-incidentally, industry analysts have just reaffirmed the Financial Strength Rating (FSR) of health care giant Regence Blue Shield (Full Disclosure: These fuckers are Policywanker's insurers and have just increased his premium, again.) as Excellent. Congratulations Regence.

Which brings Policywanker back to our newest senator.

Al Franken is a funny guy. Not the funniest. But funny enough.

He believes in Universal Health Care, the single-payer kind. Let's see how firmly he stands on this position, withstanding the pressures to amend it to continue clipping the middle-class to foot the bill for poorer citizens.

And then, we'll see who's laughing.