Nazi Pope Meets Pygmy Tribe - Demands Souvenir Boy

AP - Cameroon

   After wowing the faithful in an SRO lunchtime Mass held in a soccer stadium, former Nazi and current deluded "Voice of God", Pope Benedict Arnold, met with a group of Cameroon's Baka tribal members, or "pygmies" as they are affectionately called. He then made his request known for a memento of his visit - the son of Chief Nbundo.

   "I like that one." the pontiff exclaimed after looking over the pint-sized delegation. 

   Chief Nbundo, shrugged after the pope's demand was translated. He then pushed the boy towards the pope's awaiting car.

   The vehicle, a specially customized open-seat Chrysler, drew almost as much attention as the pope himself, as the gathered crowd jockeyed close to see the suped-up "Christ-ler", as dubbed by the local media.

   The current reigning Queen of Cameroon, Chantal Biya, presented herself to Pope Benedict and was good natured in his refusal of her sexual skills, "If only you like my pussy," she purred, "we have good time, your Holiness."

   The pontiff's African Adventure Tour ends with a stop in Angola where he will meet with local leaders to discuss ending government corruption and reducing the high cost of silk organza needed for his garments.

Nazi Pope Hates Condoms "Too restricting to feel my love"

AP - Cameroon 

   Pope Benedict Arnold sashayed across Africa looking fabulous this week, bestowing blessings and damning to Hell anyone who crossed him. 

   Chief among those going to Hell are apparently the condom users, whose flagrant refusal to die from AIDS is a slap in the Holy Pontiff's kisser.

   Claiming the Roman Catholic Church was "the forefront in the battle against AIDS" the former Nazi pointed to his preference for pre-pubescent boys as an end to the AIDS crisis. "You're not gonna get nothing from those guys. It's foolproof."

   Claiming condom use "increased the problem" because, "No one can feel the love from il papa. It is unnatural and itches afterward."

RNC's Glimmer of Hope - Democrats Die in Greater Numbers

AP - Washington D.C.

   New data compiled by the US Department of Census indicates registered Democrats have a higher mortality rate than Republicans.

   "It's only a matter of time," crowed RNC chairman Michael Steele at yesterday's hastily called press conference. "It's a catch-up game and we're in it for the long haul."

   According to the data, urban populations show higher numbers of the population dying per capita. And since those populations register in much higher numbers as Democratic voters, the statistics indicate a direct correlation to more dead Democrats.

   Reasons for urban death vary, but include homicides, drug and alcohol related incidents, heart attacks and stroke.

   Which caused Steele to ponder future political victories, "It's in the numbers, people, we're coming back!"

   When asked for comment, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was unconcerned about the data. "Mike Steele can kiss my hairy ass. I'm from Chicago, we have no problem with dead Democrats voting. It's their right as Americans."

Clive Davis' Dirty Little Secret - He Got Chris Brown Drunk

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

Somebody's gonna get a beatin'...

   Amongst the glittering set that gathers for Clive Davis' annual pre-Grammy bash are often underage celebri-tots. These Platinum-selling players act all grown up when it comes time to par-tay - but wait... it's illegal. 

   Take for example, Rihanna and Chris Brown. Who in their right would beat on a face like Rihanna's? No one... in their right mind.

   But a liquored-up 19 year-old pop star like Brown...? He be swinging while singing "Smack dat bitch" without fear of consequence. 

   So, who's to blame - Rihanna? Reports of her diva-like temper and jealousy are supposed make it all right to wallop on her. Yes, she's a spoiled brat zillionairess. And yes, she probably pissed of her boyfriend by throwing his cell phone out the rented Lamborghini's window. But gentlemen, we DO NOT beat on our womenfolk. Re-read your manuals.

   Blame Chris? Well, yes, but he's also a spoiled byproduct of the music celebrity fame game. Name your stereotype here and it will fit. Start with the rented Lamborghini.

   I say, have Deputy Fife pay a visit to Clive Davis' house on a party night. Underage drinking is illegal. But serving liquor to teens is a jail time offense. 

   

Tanzanian Albino Killers - Not a Rock Group

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   Just when we thought it was safe to parade our lily White American asses around exotic African places like Tanzania, here come the crazed Albino Killers, a mysterious group of money-hungry murderers who are killing the Albinos of Tanzania. How many Albinos are in Tanzania, you may ask? Apparently, 45 less than there used to be.

   Authorities are asking for leads in the murders and dismemberment of the Albinos - whose hair, genitals, teeth and other body parts are prized by Witch Doctors. Once added to an elixir, Albino magic brings you wealth and prosperity if you drink it, so says the Witch Doctor brochure.

 

   Which brings Policywanker to the... 

   Important Question of the Day:  

   What in the Holy Fuck is wrong with these people?

   Now, to track down these men, because we know damn sure that this is a "man thing", Tanzanian police are asking citizens to come forward and "write down the names of suspected Albino Killers" and the squealers will be kept anonymous. This might sound good at first blush, but Policywanker (if he was an Albino Killer) would be the first in line, writing everyone else's name on that damn paper.

   According to recent news reports, a "pastor" was arrested for having Albino body parts in his home. Policywanker finds this information lacking in important details - a pastor? from what church? which Albino body parts? 

   With over 200 arrests and no convictions, so far - Policywanker issues the following advice to all Tanzanian Albinos: Get the fuck out of Tanzania!

   

  

   

GOP's Great Brown Hope Bobby Jindal is an Exorcist

POLICYWANKER BOOK CLUB

Welcome Readers, to this week's selection - a passage from Bobby Jindal's 1994 tome entitled: "Beating a Demon: Physical Dimensions of Spiritual Warfare"

In it, we learn about Susan who is battling skin cancer. She seems to smell of sulfur and is acting in erratic ways. So, she pays a visit to Bobby's "prayer group".

Enjoy:

So, remembering Sarah Palin's Wasilla Witch Hunter, a 2012 Jindal/Palin ticket would be a fucking laugh riot... or the end of America as we know it.