Hudson Survivors Angry with Treatment - Would Rather be Dead

AP - New York

   Complaints are now coming in from the survivors of the Miracle on the Hudson, where US Airways flight 1548  hit a flock of geese and was valiantly steered into a water landing, or "ditching" on the Hudson River.

   Captain Chesley Sullenburger has been declared a hero for his skills in bringing the plane down without engine power into the frigid waters off Manhattan. No loss of life occurred in the event, which is unprecedented. Passengers were deplaned in an orderly fashion through the exits onto door slides turned rafts, until nearby boats and ferries rescued them without difficulty.

   US Airways has issued $5000 checks to the fortunate travelers for lost luggage and instated them as VIP Frequent Flyers for one year.

   "Not good enough!" says Janie McKracken, spokesperson for the survivors, "We want money. Lots and lots of money. News interviews don't pay the bills, baby. And an upgrade for a year? Fuck that."

   Representatives for the airline refuse to speak publicly about the survivors demands but, an anonymous source who works for US Airways claimed, "Really? They expect to be paid for us saving their asses? You gotta love America."

RNC Gets Their Own Black - But Still Hopelessly UnCool

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

In a transparent attempt to grab headlines and future votes, Maryland's Lt. Gov. Michael Steele has been elected to head the tragically retarded GOP.

This pathetic effort to show diversity in the Grand Old White Party stinks with the rancid air of "Me, Too" racism. 

When asked to comment on Steele's election, Republican congressman and perpetual crybaby John Boehner crowed, "The Democrats got a Black. Now, we got a Black. So there."

Boehner Complains - Obama's Package "Too Big"

AP - Washington D.C.

   GOP mouthpiece and tanning addict, Rep. John Boehner took to the airwaves to bitch and moan about the size of President Obama's tool to stimulate the nation.

   "It's too big. It's gonna hurt and I mean it." The congressman went on to whine,  "Have you got a look at it? Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"

   He recommended the GOP plan as an alternative to the pain that Obama's enormous package would incur. "Smaller, definitely."

Blagojevich Switcheroo - His New Senate Pick is Caroline Kennedy

AP - Chicago

   While making the rounds on the national news and talk show circuits to plead his case, sleazy Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich announced to Barbara Walters on the View that his Senate replacement pick for Barack Obama's vacant seat would now be Caroline Kennedy.

   When Walters asked why Caroline Kennedy and why now, the governor was typically candid. "Are you kidding me? She's loaded." he explained.   

   "And Burris got me absolutely nothing. I thought I'd at least get Black points with him - but, nothing... bupkis."

   Ms. Walters, magically inserted into the interview by means of a satellite feed, seemed to be addressing Blagojevich from the future. She pressed him on his wiretapped phone calls and made an attempt to get to a deeper level of understanding by probing, "If you could be any kind of tree, what would it be?" He had no answer, dodging yet another inquiry.

   The disgraced governor than joined the panel of View vixens and fielded their questions about his switch to Caroline Kennedy as his Senate pick. 

   Former Star Trek counsellor Guinan, Whoopee Goldberg, led the inquisition by first warming the hot seat, "We, at the View, want to thank you for coming on our show, but tell us Governor, Caroline Kennedy? Really? Are you out of your freakin' mind?"

   Blagojevich, cool as a cuke, merely smiled. "Chicks dig me, Whoopee." He then added, "You dig me. I can tell."

The Selling of All Things Obama

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   The flood gates of retail crapness have opened. Policywanker has seen the future and it is café au lait colored and it is HUGE!

   Moving past the Barack Obama commemorative coins and plates and glassware and condoms (I'm just sayin'), and on to the Malia and Sasha dolls, which by the way look nothing like the First Daughters, and we will see a never-ending shitstorm of Obama gee-gaws and knick-knacks to fill the shelves and dumpsters of many future generations.

   Yes, it's an important moment in our nation's development. And yes, those daughters are damn cute and deserving of our adoration - but, People...! You are no closer to the moment by buying shit off the TV with a "likeness" of the new hot cocoa president.

Roberts Gets a Do-over

AP - Washington D.C.

   Silencing the constitutional Cassandras who claimed the botched Oath of Office illegitimized President Obama's presidency, Chief Justice John "Hey, I'm new at this!" Roberts got another chance to screw it up. This time without the cameras and 2 million citizens watching. 

   We will never know the full extant of the incompetency displayed in private by Roberts, the Bush appointed gift of idiocy that will keep on giving for decades to come. But suffice it say, what we don't know won't stress us.

Thank God, Almighty!

AP - Washington D.C.

No words.

No comments.

No emotion can capture this moment.

Cheney Retires to Pottersville

AP - Washington D.C.

Completing his transformation into the dastardly villain, Mr. Potter, the thankfully former VP Dick Cheney appeared in a wheelchair at the inauguration of President Barack Obama.

When asked on his need for a wheelchair, Cheney barked, "It's my spine, you asshole! It's gone or shriveled up, how the hell do I know?"

Playing for Laughs - Al Franken and the GOP

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   After a brutal tally battle, comic Al Franken is going to Washington. Whether or not the Senate Republicans will unlock the chamber doors is another thing. Threats of a filibuster are still making the rounds. 

   And now, with Roland Burris arriving uninvited with his suitcase in hand and Caroline Kennedy preemptively packing her bags, the final outcome of the Senate races of 2008 is still a nail-biter. Stay tuned for new drama and a possible last-minute switcheroo for the New York seat.

FOX NEWS - Murdoch The Magic Jew

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   Can we say it together? "FOX News is a Nazi-schooled, race-baiting, yellow journalistic organization bent on the destruction of intelligent thinking and rational governance."

   With the subliminal crawl under their cheery New Year's Eve coverage, FOX News gave voice to the creepy, White trailer-trash underclass that giggles when they hear the word "Negro", cuz it sounds like that other "N" word forbidden to them.

   So, "Barack the Magic Negro" becomes their theme song du jour, masked behind the term "coverage" and what is born is a new code for their hateful shenanigans. They can claim that a "viewer's email" went un-vetted straight to the screen. Or "a mistake was made". But they will never be able to claim they deserve a place at the table of competent broadcast journalism.

   Say it with me people, "FOX News should be shut-out of the Obama Administration. No seat in the Press Room. No interviews with administration officials. Nada. Zip. Bumpkis."

   And to Mr. Murdoch, a warning: Recall the lesson of the crime of the Nazi's lies and propaganda - or be doomed to repeat them.

Prince on Prop 8 "I don't vote" - Prop 8 on Prince "Then, shut the fuck up."

AP - Los Angeles

   Hoping to stem the tide of criticism on his controversial anti-gay comments to the New York Times, ultra-hetero pop singer, Prince, has declared, "I didn't vote for Obama, either." Thinking this superior stance puts him above the fray of worldly debate, the Purple One went on to say his conversion to the Jehovah's Witness faith was "like Morpheus and Neo in The Matrix". 

   When asked to explain what the fuck he was talking about. Prince stood up and did an interpretive dance while describing the film. "See, it's about these two hot guys, one's White and cute and kinda spooky. The other's a mysterious, but really hot, older Black dude. And they dance all slow-motion and stuff, like they're fighting, see? But they're really just practicing to battle the giant computer thing that controls us all. Get it?"

   Prince feels he was maligned by the NY Times about his political views. "We don't vote." the singer claimed, "and by we, I mean me and the Jehovah's Witness people. We don't have crazy parties and wear colorful costumes and prance around on stage... or have birthday parties. Cuz that's where the Devil can get you, you know, like at a birthday party or something."

   He claims the NY Times misquoted him, which has upset him terribly. "I have friends who are a gay and we study the Bible together." When asked to explain, Prince unzipped his pants to expose himself, "It's my weenie, but I call it 'my Bible, the Holy of Holies'."

   Regarding California's Proposition 8, which struck down the rights of same-sex couples to marry, Prince tapped his "Bible", saying "God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was like, 'Enough'."