Swine Flu Hits Congress - Waxman Shows Symptoms

Policywanker Editorial

SWINE FLU = PIGS FLY

   If we are to believe the hysteria as reported on the nightly news - we all better heavily dowse ourselves with anti-bacterial hand soap and scrub for 20 seconds.

   Even President Obama was subjected to a "Symptoms Watch" News Alert... you know, just in case. After all, he was in Mexico and ate the taco salad. 

   In this slow news cycle atmosphere, who doesn't love a good Pandemic Scare? After all, the Republicans nixed Pandemic Preparedness Budget money, in favor of... I don't know, let's say Tax Reduction.

   But let's take a little look back in time, to the last Swine Flu Pandemic Scare. In February of 1976, Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare F. David Matthews, issued a prediction that a Swine Flu outbreak had come to our shores and would kill at least a million people.

   Didn't happen.

   What did happen was... then-president Ford got to look all presidenty and ready for re-election. He hosted a White House press conference with Jonas Salk, of heroic vaccine fame, to give street cred to the scare. Congress was muscled into relieving Big Drug companies from liability if the fast track Flu Vaccines did bad things instead of good. Lots of money went to Big Drug to save us.

   So, bad things did happen. This Little Piggy got roast beef. And people died after receiving the vaccine.

   And the Swine flew... went away. Replaced in prominence by Legionnaire's Disease, a much more exotic sounding and really deadly malady. Ford lost his edge on being an American saviour and went the way of the flu... chills and fever with fluids and plenty of rest.

   So what can we learn here, students?

   Beware the CAPITOL LETTERS in print and adverts. We are being sold something. 

   NEW! IMPROVED! SWINE FLU!

   Step right up, get your masks here...

   

Pastor Warren Shows He's Versatile - Likes to Flip-Flop

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   After his appearance with a dubious Larry King, where he claimed he never, ever, "never once gave an endorsement" of California's Proposition 8 outlawing gay marriage, Evangelical Pitchman and big, fat liar Rick Warren, has shocked and disappointed his deluded followers and other Christian fanatics.

   Bishop Harry "High Horse" Jackson, pastor of Hope Christian Church in Beltsville (really? somewhere in the "Bible Belt" maybe?), after hearing Warren's about-face whined to reporters, "This is a major distraction in this battle for the culture we are experiencing."

   Warren cancelled an Easter Sunday appearance with George Stephanopolous at the last minute, claiming, "I wanted to talk to George about fashion trends for Easter cuz he's such a little bunny, but when I heard it was all about the gays and Prop 8... again! I mean girl... get over it... Hel-looo...!"

   After the shitstorm from conservative Christians hit the airwaves, Warren retreated to his private estate, Compound W, and issued a statement to the media requesting "personal time to reflect on the arisen Christ at this pretty pink and yellow time of year".

   Policywanker weighs in on Warren's flip-flop. I say let's leave the poor guy alone. Here he is reaching out to the gays in the spirit of brotherly Christian love - the least we can do is offer a reach-around in return.

Blame Jack Sparrow for Somali Pirates

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   OK, is it me - or does the media get a hard-on every time they print the word "Pirate"?

   And we all share in a collective  "Aarrrr..." with a grin and a wink. Cuz we're in on it, right?

   Pirates are cool. Pirates are outlaws. Pirates are bad, but hot. 

   But wait a Buccaneering minute here -  now we have these Somali pirates. Ugly as fuck peasants with assault weapons. Where's the romance? Where's the mascara? Where's the box office?

   It's just not the same swashbuckling romp as we want, cuz where's the sex? Where's Johnny Fucking Depp?

   No. The Somali Pirates are merely your run-of-the mill dollar store terrorists. Thugs with boats. So, let's call a spade a spade (insert liberal kneejerk here) and name them what they are - oppressed and impoverished criminals willing to die to get their hands on some of that good pie everyone else seems to have plenty of... 

   Are they worth global media coverage? Are they lead story material?

   Someone get them a reality show... STAT!

New Economic Indicator - Men's Underpants Are Down

AP - New York

   Taking their cue from Alan Greenspan's forecasting techniques - he linked the sales of men's undergarments as a reliable indicator on the health of the economy - financial analysts are warning of dire straits ahead.

   A study released this week by Mintel, a global market research company, projects 2009 US sales of men's personal apparel down 2.3 per cent.

   Matt Hall, a spokesman for Hanesbrands Inc, claimed that, "Men's basic apparel products have the least fluctuating sales of all. So when we see underwear down, we'll be on our knees in short order."

Obama Pardons Turkey

AP - Istanbul

   While wowing the citizens of Turkey on his recent East-meets-West national tour, President Obama delivered an emotional plea to the Turkish Parliament in Ankara for mutual respect and support. 

   Earlier in the day, while paying respects at the tomb of the revered Mustafa Ataturk, the revolutionary secularist leader who abolished both the veil and the fez, leading the nation by force into the 20th century, President Obama spoke of the need to reconcile the differences of the past with a strong friendship between our respective nations.

   This new note of conciliation strikes a remarkably different chord than former president Bush on his clumsy mission to Istanbul, when he referred to their national hero as "Attaboy" and chuckled.

   One odd note from Obama's visit that still perplexes is the on-air reporting by an Istanbul based anchor - who gave his report on the president's speech in "black face".

    

Who Owns Our Debt... A Shocking List of Lenders

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

File Under: Who Screwed The pooch?

Listed below is the GAO breakdown of what we owe and to whom, nation-wise.

It's a mindfuck of numbers (in billions) that amount to why no one wants our economy to fail. They ALL have a dog in this fight.

Note: Third on the list, "Oil Exporters" enjoy a mysterious sobriquet, but be not fooled. Hidden within their anonymity are Venezuela, Iran and Libya. So, who exactly are the bad guys anymore?

China's Stimulus Package - More Sperm Banks and World Domination

AP - Beijing

   In an effort to stockpile massive quantities of Chinese sperm for future world domination, the Chinese government has opened Sperm Banks in every metropolitan city across China. Staff and donors are working around the clock to fulfill Beijing's demand for more Chinese babies.

   Sources say the plan includes a "sleeper cell" plot to offer babies for adoption in Western countries and at a pre-arranged moment, to come around 2020, these spies will activate the Chinese strategy to take over the world.

   The White House has so far refused to comment on the topic, but conservative radio host and big, fat fuck Rush Limbaugh accuses homosexual American males of being in on the plot. "I mean, come on, look at the Hollywood queers with all those Chinese girl babies..." He proclaimed recently during a broadcast, "It's mighty suspicious. Clearly, they made some kind of pact with the Devil in Beijing. Mark my words, people, the Commie Fags are coming!"