Elderly Men Refused Front Row Seats at Palin Rally

   AP - Cleveland

   Taking precautionary measures, McCain/Palin campaign staffers are refusing to seat older men too close to the stage fearing a repeat of Thursday's tragic deaths of three men from coronary attacks.

   The deaths occurred as Sarah Palin whipped up the Republican rally crowd in Detroit with chants of "Drill, Baby, Drill", a reference to controversial offshore drilling leases. 

   "That's not the drilling my husband was thinking," said Cheryl Stubbs, wife of one of the men. "I think he loved her, Palin, I mean." She went on to explain her husband's sudden political interest. "All his life he never even voted. And all of a sudden, he's making signs and going door to door. It was weird for me. It was like he had a mistress or something."

   Her sentiments were shared by the other two Republican widows. Amy Poletski, one of the women, added, "I'm not mad or anything. Max died with a boner. How cool is that?"

Poll Dancing - Obama Rides McCain Like a Bitch to the Finish

Grampa McCain Has Senior Moment - Forgets Palin's Name

   AP - Pittsburgh

   In an awkward campaign moment, Republican presidential candidate, John McCain, forgot his running mate's name, stumbling through several attempts before an aide whispered in his ear the correct one.

   McCain was speaking to a crowd of party faithful gathered at Provost Park, where an estimated 4000 people were crowded around a small platform in the park's soccer field.

   "She's my favorite little running mate and your favorite future vice-president..." he said by way of introducing Sarah Palin, but then added, "Come on up here, Cindy." 

   The senator's wife, standing nearby, appeared uncertain if he meant for her to join him. And Gov. Palin merely smiled and waved to the crowd. 

   But McCain grew impatient, "Susie, come here!" he urged. Now, both Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin looked at each other not knowing who was being called to the platform.

   But the senator continued, "Sally, come here dammit, don't keep the American people waiting." He then chuckled, trying to show he was being a good sport about the confusion, saying to the crowd, "Women... can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em."

   Finally, a campaign aide rushed to the senator's side and whispered something in his ear. McCain visibly grimaced, then shrugged it off. He turned to Palin and covered the mic, but could be heard saying, "I'm talking to you, Palin, now get your apple ass up here and show your legs."

   The governor then took to the stage and the crowd went wild.

Palin's Christmas Cards Back From Printer

   AP - Anchorage

   In apparent attempt to remind her friends and constituents where she plans to spend the holidays, Alaskan Governess Palin's Christmas cards feature a smiling Sarah posed in front of her future home, emblazoned with her new title, "President".

   Artie Pappas, day manager of the Anchorage Office Max store said Palin had placed the order in August. "She's a confident one," he explained, "I asked her if she meant it to read 'vice-president' and she said no, McCain's like a hundred and something, and she was goin' for gold."

   With the recent turn in the polls, Pappas is concerned that Palin will stiff him. "I've got ten thousand of these suckers waiting for her to pick up. She better not screw me on this."

   No comment was available from the McCain/Palin campaign.

Thrift Store Owner Recalls Palin's Clothing

AP - Anchorage

   The owner of Anchorage's now famous resale shop has publicly asked Sarah Palin to stop wearing the clothes purchased at her store.

   "It's embarrassing," explained Ellen Arvold, the proprietress of Out of the Closet, "and it's hurting my business. The things she's wearing, the dominatrix boots and severe little jackets, they're for cross-dressers."

   The consignment shop caters to Alaska's older heterosexual male population who enjoy dressing as women. "Most of our business is online, but I keep the storefront open for locals. I thought Governor Palin wanted the clothes for her husband, Todd. I don't ask questions. Live and let live is my motto."

  Arvold became concerned when she saw items purchased at her shop on national television. "I thought to myself, wait a darned minute. What the hell is she wearing? And now my business is down by half. She's killing me. None of my clients want to dress like her. They're freaks, but they're not stupid."

Halloween Horror - Palin Masks Not Selling

   AP - Chicago

   Retailers across the nation are bemoaning the purchase of Sarah Palin masks for Halloween.

Costumers and variety store owners claim the masks are not moving and they fear they will be stuck with huge orders of the novelty item long after the November election.

   "Who knew she would end up this unpopular? I've got Pol Pot masks selling faster than Palin's." complained Sid Fein of Boo To You, a costume shop located in a strip mall in a suburb of Chicago. He believed the masks were a good investment when he placed the order right after the Republican convention. 

   "I'm not a damned mind reader, people." Fein went on to say,  "I told my wife - don't you blame me - that crazy broad Palin is who you should blame. Everybody's sick of her face by now. I'm ruined. So, fuck her."

Palin Goes Rogue - Kills Advisers

   AP - Des Moines

   According to unnamed McCain campaign sources, Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has "gone Rogue", and is the prime suspect in the killing of two staff advisers who she felt gave her bad advice.

   "They were pussies," she explained to the gathered press at the Des Moines Sheraton Hotel, where a high level campaign strategy meeting was held. "I don't want any limp-wristed DC wonks telling me to tone it down. I know what plays in the real America." Governor Palin went on to say, "Did I kill them? I'm not saying nothin'. Just this, they deserved to die."

   Police investigators are trying to piece together the events leading up to the deaths of Ed Miller, a former Reagan appointee to the DOJ, and Sue Ballingford, a former Bush speechwriter. Both were found on the 

hotel loading dock with a bloody towel wrapped around their heads and bullet hole in the temple, victims of an execution-style killing.

Cindy McCain Claims "Barack Obama Beat Me Up"

   AP - Pittsburgh

   In a shocking turn of events on the campaign trail, the wife of Republican presidential candidate, John McCain, is claiming that during a recent rally in Pennsylvania, where the polls show a very tight race, she was accosted backstage by Democratic contender Barack Obama.

   In a press conference given from her clinic bed, Mrs. McCain told reporters about her ordeal. "Oh my God, he came out of nowhere and grabbed me by the neck." a visibly shaken Cindy McCain explained what happened next, "He put his hand on my right breast like this, and Frenched me."

   According to Mrs. McCain, Obama was enraged by her non-compliance. "He said, 'I'm gonna fuck you like you never been fucked'. And he did. Afterwards, he beat the crap at of me - look!"

   She then stripped to her underwear to show the bruises left from the attack.

   When asked by reporters if she was certain her assailant was Sen. Obama, Mrs. McCain became agitated. "Of course it was him - tall, good looking, kinda hot in a smart way with a big dick. Yes, it was him!"

   Obama campaign spokesman, Carl Weinstein, when asked for comment issued the following statement - "Yeah, in her dreams."

Sarah Palin Makes Post-Election Plans

   AP - Washington

   Faced with increasing evidence that the Republicans will lose their attempt to hold the White House, Vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin is starting to plan ahead.

   Asked by reporters, on her campaign flight between Dubuque and Des Moines, whether she felt her political staying power was diminished by allegations of wardrobe extravagance, the governor laughed, saying only, "I am your future, America. Get used to it. I've got networks bugging me for reality shows and a made-for-TV biopic is in the works."

   On her political plans after the election, Palin was upbeat. "I cannot wait to be free from that old asshole. If you only knew the BS I have to put up with on a daily basis - as much smoke as I've had to blow up McCain's ass, it's a wonder he doesn't have colon cancer."

   On the possibility of a 2012 run for the presidency, the governor was candid, "Are you kidding me? It will be the end of the Mayan calendar. We're talking the destruction of the world as we know it - you betcha I'll be there - sitting in the White House - and making my date with Jesus."

Poll Dancing

Obama has staying power.

FLASHBACK - 1984! Pied Piper of Wasilla Gathers Rats and Steals Our Hearts

   1984 - An auspicious Orwellian year.

   During her pageant days, Sarah Heath Palin dazzled the crowds with her ability to make magic happen. 

   Seen here performing the electrifying opus Aqualung - Jethro Tull's mind bending psychedelic journey into musical madness, Palin was and is, a true showstopper.

   Through corrective surgery and eye exercises, she was eventually able to eliminate the cross-eyed stare that doomed her chance to win the coveted pageant crown.

   

   

Palin's Male Supporters Getting Harder

   AP - Detroit

   The front row seats at McCain/Palin rallies are hard to come by, literally.

Young male Republicans are often seen standing in line for hours, sometimes overnight, just to get those sought-after seats next to the stage.

   The big draw is not, however, John McCain. These studly stalwarts are there to see the Governess, vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. "I mean come on, she's hot." Jason Vader admitted after a recent Republican rally. The 22 year-old law student sat front and center at the event cheering his favorite politician. "Dude, I totally get boned up watching her, seriously."

   But some of the guys do get carried away. Four young men were expelled from yesterday's event after cameras caught them masturbating as Gov. Palin spoke. Seeing the rucous, however, Palin merely broke into a wide grin and admonished the security men. "Hey, those boys are just doin' what boys do, God love 'em."

POLICYWANKER INTERNATIONAL NEWS - Indian Space Program Introduces First Lunar Astronaut

   AP - New Delhi

   India's newly created Space Program announced it's next project, to launch a manned spacecraft to the moon. Program Minister J. Singh expressed his nation's pride following the successful launch of India's first unmanned craft sent into orbit yesterday.

   "We are very, very happy today. I am telling you, very happy." Mr. Singh ended his comments by laying out India's further plans for space exploration, "Wait until those Pakis get a look at our next one going up to the moon. They will be very, very jealous. I am telling you."

   Then he introduced to the gathered reporters India's first astronaut in training, Captain M. Govinda, who will pilot a small space shuttle to the moon. Mr. Singh added, "Captain Govinda is so, so tiny. He is perfect for the mission. He fits right into the tiny cockpit. Wait until those Pakis see it."

McCain Reunites With Viet Cong Prison Lover

   AP - Philadelphia

   In a touching reunion on the campaign trail, Republican presidential hopeful John McCain came face to face with his POW past. 

   It happened in Philadelphia while at a photo op. The senator was ordering a Phillie Cheese Steak at Zeek's, when out from the kitchen came Din Wah, a 70 year-old dishwasher. 

   Tears came to both men's eyes as they realized they shared an intimate past.

   Mr. Wah, a Vietnamese immigrant, recalled for reporters how he met then POW McCain in a prison camp during the war. "He fuck me. He fuck me long time."

   McCain expressed delight in rekindling their wartime memories. "Din was my little Gook baby. We had some laughs together, didn't we?" He grabbed the frail Wah around the neck in a playful choke-hold. The embrace ended when Wah briefly lost consciousness.

   Then the two old soldiers parted company. One, perhaps to the White House. The other, to gather filled bus tubs.

Obama Still Smoking... Hot

   AP - New York

   Ongoing Gallup Polling shows an increased interest in the Democratic presidential contender, Barack Obama. After his third Primetime debate, his "favorables" have improved among women voters, while his "un-favorables" have decreased.

Seventy-five percent of the eligible women voters aged 25- 55 find the Illinois senator "fuckable". 

   The biggest turn-around for Obama has been the shift in voter's willingness to get "caught in a dark alley with him". Initial polls conducted twenty months ago showed only 15% percent "willing". Today that number among women is 82% "willing".  Among Gay men the number is closer to 97%.

   On the other ticket, 62% of women voters aged 85-100 find Sen. John McCain "spongebathable".

Obama Admits "Palling Around" With Weather Girls Underground

   AP - Chicago

   Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama made a shocking admission today to reporters on his campaign plane. 

   "I did mess around with the Weather Girls back in the day. Those bitches can move!"

   The revelation comes after his coyly avoiding any discussion about 70's radical Bill Ayers, leader of the Weather Girls Underground, a disco terrorist organization committed to "Bring on the Funk and tear his Mother down".

   Refusing to give any further details, the senator sang a line from his bad ol' party days, "God Bless Mother Nature - She's a single woman, too."

Cindy Shows Off Her Man's Best Asset

   AP - New York

   Following Sen. John McCain's "cranky old man" performance during the final presidential debate with Democrat Barack Obama, the senator's wife Cindy reminded the audience why she loves her man.

   "Show them!" she prodded her reluctant husband until he relented, "Show them why I have stuck with you all these years, you little shit." 

   Then, the senator opened his mouth to reveal an impressively long tongue.

   "He's got a pencil dick," she added, "but God has favored him in other areas. OK John, now put it away."

John McCain Post Debate Performance Outstanding

Immediately following last night's final of three presidential debates, Republican contender John McCain delivered an improvised performance that he called the "Dance of the Forbidden Love".

Swaying his hips and licking his lips, the 72 year-old senator approached his opponent, Barack Obama, from behind and attempted to hug the Democratic presidential candidate close to him.

The moment was brief, but moving. It ended abruptly after Sen. Obama pushed McCain away, adding, "Get off me, you sick, old fuck."

Confessions of an Undecided Voter - It's all about the SWAG

   AP - Chicago

   In a campaign year where everyone seems to have an opinion about McCain and Obama, there are those, the mysterious few, the "undecided voters", who claim the spotlight. They appear at every debate and town hall. They are courted by the media and they are, in each election cycle, a sought-after demographic, unwilling as any prick-tease virgin, to actually put out.

   Policywanker has met with several of these refuse-niks to understand what makes them tick - and the answer became very clear... goodie bags.

Sarah McFee, a registered "independent" from Des Moines explained her perpetual undecidedness as a quadrennial phenomenon. "I get all this great shit from the campaigns sent to my house. And the media, they're always taking me to dinner or drinks. I love it."

   Another "independent", Patty Dumond, says she has misgivings about both candidates, but her vote is a valuable asset. "And I ain't giving nothing away. You want it, you gotta pay."

Asked about who won the final presidential debate, Dumond remained cagey, "I haven't quite made up my mind - but I would like some lunch now."

Cindy Demonstrates Her Awesome Beer Belch

   AP - Washington

   To prove her "just folks" credentials, Cindy McCain, wife of presidential hopeful John McCain, delivered an ear-splitting beer belch to a crowd gathered to hear the senator speak.

   The beer-heiress introduced her husband by proclaiming, "Obama's an elitist. Would he ever have a brew in your bar? No! John would and so would I - in fact, I just had one." Then, she let out a deafening burp while saying, "Vote McCain".

   The crowd went ballistic, cheers and whistles filled the air. Two avid fans of the geriatric senator, Mabel and Smokey Billings, stood near the stage. They expressed their enthusiasm for Cindy's skill. Smokey offered to go on the record saying, "She's an OK broad, that Cindy. I'd do her." 

   Then his wife, Mabel, elbowed him hard in the ribs, adding, "Nevermind him. He's joking. He can't get it up no more."

Like a Virulent Herpes Strain, Santorum is Still Active

   AP - Philadelphia

   Defeated former senator and continual religious zealot, Rick Santorum, said in a press conference yesterday that Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama's faith was "phoney" and his involvement in Chicago's Trinity Church was merely an attempt to use "faith as an avenue to power".

   Since his stunning loss for re-election, Santorum has continued to speak out for the inclusion of Christian values in American political life.

   His message yesterday, however, was upstaged by the cries and whimpers of his daughter Sarah. Asked by reporters after the press conference why she was so upset, the little girl whispered, "Daddy kisses me down there."

Cindy McCain Unveils New Lingerie Line

   Just in time for the election, Victoria's Secret has launched it's Fall line of unmentionables, the premier focus being Cindy McCain's signature brand, Cougar Comfies. 

   Victoria's Secret spokesperson, Rhona Blair, described the look as being "sweet and seductive".

   "It's more for older women, who still want to fuck." she explained. 

   The line includes under-garments and sleepwear. Cindy McCain appears in the company's Autumn catalog modeling select pieces from the new line. Mrs. McCain released the following statement about the garment line. "I hope the women of America will join me in celebrating the beauty of our bodies. Remember, if we cover up our natural sexiness, the terrorists have won."

Poll Dancing

Angry Palin Mobs Lynch CNN Cameramen

   AP - Wheeling, West Virginia

   Critics of the Republican strategy to "whip up the base into a frenzied mob" point to yesterday's lynching of Bill Jackson and Steve Monroe, both African-American CNN employees, as evidence that political attacks and race-baiting have gone too far.

   CNN spokesman Jim Matthews expressed his dismay, "Hey, these guys were just doing their jobs, covering the campaign. We're going to miss them."

   During the campaign stop, which lasted only thirty minutes, VP hopeful Sarah Palin repeatedly used rhetoric  designed to inflame racial bias and fear. At one point, she smiled and winked at the CNN cameramen, saying, "See those camera guys there? Who do you think they're voting for - huh? I betcha I know." 

   Loud, angry cries of "Traitors" and "Terrorists" were heard throughout the gathered crowd.

The murders occurred shortly after Gov. Palin's bus drove away. Next stop, Charleston.

Bush Says Don't Panic, Then World Panics

   AP - Washington

   In his established pattern of fucking everything up he touches, current alcoholic president G.W. Bush took to the airwaves to calm the jitters of world's financial markets. 

Response to his speech was swift and universal - every stock and bond market around the globe plummeted.

   When asked to comment on the president's words of comfort, Republican Sen. John McCain muttered, "Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest?"

Former POW Demonstrates McCain's Favorite Torture

   AP - Philadelphia

   Viet Nam veteran and former POW, Steve Wolcott, has come forward speaking against Republican Sen. John McCain's version of their treatment at the hands of the Viet Cong.

   "I'm not saying it was a health spa, but John's gotten plenty of free dinners telling his tragic POW story. I was there, man. Some of the shit that went down was cool." Wolcott, a cab-driver and yoga instructor, has taken some of his experiences and fashioned them into a physical exercise program that he teaches at the local YMCA. "This position here is called the chandelier." Wolcott demonstrated a painful looking stretching exercise while hanging from the ceiling by his genitals.

   Wolcott went on to explain that his former cellmate, John McCain, never complained to him about the chandelier torture position. "I think he liked how it stretched his junk longer... that's what he said, anyways."

Palin Spends Debate at Happy Hour

   AP - Greenville

   Determined to cheer up while watching her elderly running mate stumble around the stage, VP-hopeful Sarah Palin was the life of the party at a Greenville pizzeria last night.

   While downing pitchers of pale ale and doing tequila shots, Palin enthused, "He's tough, my old man, did you hear him call Obama 'that one'? Hysterical!"

   The bar crowd was mixed and some appeared to be staunch Obama supporters. But Misty Feeney, barmaid and Democrat, was glad to get a chance to see Palin up close. "See those lips? That's a tattooed lip-liner. Cost like four thousand bucks. Kinda lazy though, if you ask me."

New McCain Ad

   AP - Washington

   Following through on his pledge to "fuck Obama up", John McCain's new attack ad features scary Black men doing bad things to Cindy McCain. 

   The thirty-second spot is in heavy rotation in the battleground states. It features Cindy McCain dressed as different White women in dangerous situations. In one, Mrs. McCain is an antebellum princess attacked by a Black field hand. In another, she is a country schoolmarm attacked by a Black janitor. She is fingered, then raped in each instance.

   "I loved it," Mrs. McCain said after the taping of the campaign ad, "whatever I can do to help John win, I'm there."

   The controversial ad has some critics crying foul, but Cindy McCain explains, "We are merely depicting vignettes of American life, it's reality. If people have a problem with that, they're unpatriotic."

Republicans Dig Deep to Understand Voter Dissatisfaction

   

  

   AP - Washington

   Republicans are searching their souls in an effort to understand the voters growing disgruntlement with them.

   Party leaders from coast to coast are terrified with the possibility of losing what power they do wield in Washington. 

   To stop the slide, many Republicans are digging deep into the bowels of party politics and looking for answers. Iowa Republican campaign organizer Shelley Peters explains her concerns, "There's something stinky going on. We are the party of Lincoln and Reagan. You'd think we could get our shit together."

Poll Dancing

McCain Falling in Polls - Cindy Kicks His Ass, Literally

   AP - Washington

   With battleground states leaning firmly towards Obama, the McCain camp is getting the jitters. Except, that is, for the candidate's wife Cindy. She has taken a "tough love" approach to her husband's seeming inability to connect with voters on the economy.

   "It was time for an ass-kicking. I mean, look at him, the pussy." said Mrs. McCain, on crutches after injuring her foot in the confrontation. Aides described the event as a chilling reminder that "Cindy will hurt you if you fuck up".

   "I have not spent all this money to look like a loser." She went on to explain, "He's gotta get his shit together. Or I will go all Hanoi Hotel on his scrawny ass. And don't think I won't."

FLASHBACK 1992 - Cindy's Alcoholic Rage

   The year was 1992. Practicing pill-popper and senatorial wife Cindy McCain went on a bender and attacked a battleship apparently because it was named the "John McCain".

   "I've had it!" she screamed as she smashed her bottle of Stoli against the bow of the aircraft carrier. "It's John this - and John that! John, John, John!"

   Dressed in her old college cheerleading costume, Mrs. McCain (seen here before her bootie-licious makeover), ranted to the gathered crowd, "He's nothing without me and my beer money - nothing, I tell you! Where's my battleship, huh, ...where?"

   Aides then surrounded Mrs. McCain and bundled her into a waiting limo.

Debate Results In - Palin Wins Swimsuit Competition

   The nation fell in lust with Sarah last night as she proved once and for all that she is a "heckuva gal". Her opponent Sen Joe Biden, though a skilled debater, never seemed to hit his mark in the seduction of the American voters. But Sarah Palin did - in spades.

   Polling data showed that most viewers found her "not as stupid as supposed". Males aged 25-45 agreed that Gov. Palin "would probably be willing to do anal after three Cosmos".

Medical Records Revealed - Obama "Huge" - McCain "Grower Not Shower"

   AP - Washington

   Recently leaked medical records on the two presidential candidates reveal startling differences in their "off the campaign trail" performance.

   Democratic contender Sen. Barack Obama's vital statistics list his penis size to be "above average" at an erect 7.75 inches. The national average among adult males is 5.5 inches when fully erect.

   Obama's Republican opponent Sen. John McCain's medical records report his erect penis size to be 5.25 inches, somewhat below the national average. Cindy McCain, when asked to comment, said she had no complaints in that department, adding, "Yeah, but did you ever see his tongue?"

Election Predicting Cat Favors Obama

   AP - Shreveport

   Taffy the Tabby has correctly predicted the winner of the past three presidential contests. "It's an honor to have Taffy in my life," said her owner, Mabel Sue Hotchkiss, "She's so smart and keeps a real tidy litter box."

   Taffy's skills came to light during the 1996 campaign while watching the debate between Bill Clinton and Republican opponent Bob Dole. "And there's Taffy, meowing and rubbing up against the television every time Bill Clinton had something to say." Hotchkiss explained, "I thought it was just kinda cute. But then, every time Bob Dole talked, there's Taffy looking away like she's bored or something."

   Taffy's skill in predicting the presidential outcome was repeated in 2000 and 2004.

   "And now, she's liking Senator Obama, a lot, I can tell." added Hotchkiss. "Watch her tail."