Baby For Sale- Hefty Price Tag for Palin Bastard Pics

AP - Wasilla

   Snapshots of the heralded bastard birth of Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston come with a price tag. Proud new parents Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have issued a menu of possible photo ops and the costs involved.

   For $300,000 a news outlet purchases the first opportunity to publish an image of the infant with mother. For an additional $100,000, Bristol will nurse the baby. Add another $100,000 and according to the new mother, she will "show some tit".

   Prices have increased significantly with the likely indictment of Levi Johnston's mother on illegal drug charges. Levi stated his delight in the turn of events, "Are you kidding? I can buy a whole buncha shit with this cash." 

   Asked whether he looked forward to fatherhood, Johnston only shrugged, "Wanna see my pecker? It'll cost you."

Obama to Appoint Bruce Vilanch Gay Czar to "Shut them up"

AP - Honolulu

   In a move even the critics call "a stroke of genius", President-elect Obama has indicated he will reach out to Gay and Lesbian Americans through a new cabinet position, with comedian Bruce Vilanch to be appointed as the country's first Secretary of the Queers.

   "It's time these people had a direct voice in the administration. Then maybe, you know, they'll get off my back about the whole Rick Warren thing." Mr. Obama went on to express his eager anticipation of cabinet meetings with the rakish comic. "Oh man, Bruce is funny as hell. It's going to be a riot."

   The President-elect took time out from his family vacation on the island of Oahu to address the press pool about the ongoing controversy surrounding Pastor Warren's participation in the inauguration. "Did you see Frank Rich's column? He called Warren the de facto pope at my inauguration. Well, let me tell you, Rich is an asshole. If I wanted the pope, I'd have the pope. Now, who wants a shaved ice? I'm buying."

Is He Gone Yet?

AP - Washington DC

   With all the solemn dignity of Whoopee Cushion, barely President George W. Bush has provided the United States with countless disasters, economic ruin and death by the score. The nations of the world looked upon us with pity, fear and a petit soupcon of schadenfreude.

   Will we miss him? Hell no!

   Will we prosecute him? Stay tuned, the Ohio election fraud trials are just getting interesting. The "accidental" fiery airplane crash death of Mike Connell, just as he was preparing to go public with his involvement in the Dirty Rove Election Machine Scam of 2004, signals a game-changing maneuver and a desperate one at that. 

   This could get very interesting.

POLICYWANKER'S Holiday Film Reviews: Gran Torino a Lemon - Seven Pounds a Lightweight - Revolutionary Road a Titanic Mess

SPOILER ALERT - Do not read this if you hate films where the Protagonist dies.

   In Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood plays Dirty Old Harry (or Wally), a crusty gun-toting Korean Conflict vet who lives on a diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon and bigotry. In a performance that is at times Lurch-like, Eastwood growls and groans to exhibit his disapproval. Then, venting spleen like a war bride pushes eggrolls at Christmas, he spews every racist epithet known to man and shocks/delights the movie-going audience by using "those bad words" forbidden to them. Expect tittering when he calls three young African-American men "Spooks".

   As the recipient of repeated kindnesses, Wally's hard outer shell eventually cracks open, revealing a soft chewy center. His Scrooge-like turnaround (it is, after all a holiday movie) is completed early in Act Two, providing plenty of time for love to grow between him and his Hmong neighbors, who he must now protect from the Bad Guys, also Hmong immigrants who happen to act like Black urban thugs on TV.

   In a final "Make My Day" stand-off with the Bad Guys, Wally's ultimate sacrifice buys him the redemption he seeks and the ancestor worship of the Hmong people for generations to come.

   Redemptive self-sacrifice is also the theme of Seven Pounds. Told in a jumpy, "Now, what is happening in this scene?" editing style, Will Smith plays Tim, who plays Ben, an IRS agent who can pretty much go wherever he wants and get all kinds of information on people suffering from maladies and who just happen to desperately need new vital organs. But Tim is very picky with his intended largesse. If you are an undeserving person on his "Naughty or Nice" list (again, it's a holiday film) you won't get a piece of the Act Three pie.

   And finally, proving the point that longsuffering has no curative properties, Revolutionary Road reunites the doomed lovers from the Titanic, this time in a sinking ship of a marriage. Kate Winslet's real-life husband Sam Mendes directs her as a manic jittery 50's hausfrau trapped in the burbs, but ready to chuck it all for freedom and another pack of cigs.

   If you recall with fondness listening to your parents fight in the kitchen and threaten each other with chef's knives, you will love this film. If not, you will only wish for the coat hanger to come sooner.

Pope Likens Gays to Rainforests... Hot and Sexy Rainforests

AP - Vatican City

   Taking time out from his busy holiday shopping, flamboyantly dressed King of the Catholics and practicing Nazi, Pope Benedict has issued his Christmas message of peace to the College of Cardinals.

   "How about those gays!" the pontiff admonished the gathered clergy, "They are like the rainforests, the lungs of the planet, you know... hot, sweaty lungs with their muscles all glistening."

   His message, however, seemed to confuse some in the audience. Cardinal Botti of Italy confessed his wonderment, "I think what il Papa is saying is that the sexy men who do the sex are in danger of extinction. We must save them, no?"

   The pope's constant attention on gay men and gay sex in his speeches and sermons left others to think he was obsessing. Sister Mary Catherine Gallagher of Dublin, who comes to the Vatican annually for holiday mass, said that the Holy Father "was a bit of a closet case, all the time it's the gays this and the gays that - Jesus, Mary and Joseph - he should just get a grip and come out."

Pastor Rick Warren Confesses "I have eaten gay food."

AP - Long Beach, CA

   Televangelist Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church has shocked his parishioners with explicit details of his cavorting with gays and dabbling in the homosexual lifestyle.

   "I have many gay friends," the pastor recently bragged in an interview with BeliefNet, "I have eaten dinner in gay homes, drank many gay cocktails - those pink Cosmos are delish! And girl - let me tell you, I got so tipsy."

   The pastor went on to list his many other gay encounters, "I have swum in gay pools. I drive a gay car - a Miata. And look at this Hawaiian print shirt I'm wearing - never been to Hawaii - so Ga-a-ay!"

   Asked whether his inclusion in the inauguration day ceremonies was an indication of the President-elect's willingness to include all ideologies in his administration, Pastor Warren was introspective, "I went on a gay cruise once. And I'm considered a Bear in gay parlance. But I like Twinks. I think that makes me open-minded. Just like Barack Obama."

   

Obama Chooses Ku Klux Clan as Inauguration Day Color Guard

AP - Washington D.C.

   In an ongoing attempt to show that he can reach out to "all Americans", President-elect Barack Obama has named the South Carolina Chapter of the Imperial Knights of the Ku Klux Clan to serve as Color Guard for the Inauguration Day ceremonies.

   Progressive liberal critics were appalled, considering the aftershocks in the gay community regarding the choice of ultra-Right Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the inaugural prayer.

   In a statement released by the Obama transition team, the Clan's 'goodness' should not be outweighed by their 'badness'. And the President-elect was quoted as saying, "Clearly, we can learn from the fervent dedication these men show to their cause - but, we do not have to agree with them."

   The startling choice of the Clan, notoriously bigoted hate-mongers, only points to Obama's courageous willingness to reach across ideological lines to include differing points of view in his administration.

   Imperial Wizard Lem Oattie commended Obama's decision to include his chapter of the Clan in the Washington ceremonies. "Yeah, I wanna see that motherfucker up close, real close, know what I mean?"

White House Issues New "Barefoot" Press Briefing Policy

AP - Washington D.C.

   White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten has issued a strict "No Shoes" policy when the press addresses any administration official.

   Bolten claims that the new regulation has nothing to do with the recent attack on President Bush while touring Iraq over the week-end. "Not at all," he explained to a dubious press corps, "In fact, it's kind of a Hawaii thing, you know, leave your shoes at the door. We see it as a casual, friendly way to close things out during the administration's final days."

   Bolten went on to say it was the President's idea, as a way of welcoming president-elect Obama. "After all, he's Hawaiian, or Indonesian, isn't he? They always make you take your damn shoes off. Well, that's what we're doing. Next question."

Iraq Report: Bush Blinks, Then Ducks

POLICYWANKER SPECIAL REPORT

AP - Baghdad

   The Bush Farewell Tour Bus hit a pothole today as a real Iraqi finally got a chance to show his country's appreciation for US involvement in the ongoing murder and mayhem.

   "This is a good-bye kiss, you dog!" shouted Iraqi journalist Muntazir Al Zaidi, an epithet certain to go global in this information age. He then delivered the Arab version of a burning bag of shit on Bush's doorstep - a thrown shoe. Then, to emphasize his sincerity, he threw the other.

   Mr. Al Zaidi was quickly wrestled to the ground by security and dragged screaming from the room. But not before earning his place on a platform in the Pantheon of Heroes. And the applause of a grateful world. 

   Barely President George W. Bush was not harmed in the incident, due to a remarkably good ducking reflex, one that perhaps First Lady Laura has helped him to hone.

   There was one injury in the fracas however. Press Aide and lovable liar, Dana Perino, suffered a black eye when a jostled microphone was jammed in her face. Poetic justice? You decide.

   Mr. Al Zaidi's fate has not yet been determined. 

   However, Policywanker would like to take this moment to remove his hat - and say, "Muntazir Al Zaidi -  We salute you!"

Enough with the Kissing Already...

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   As if he hasn't done enough damage, pathetic alcoholic and tragically still president, George W. Bush is sucking the life out of every American he can get his hands on.

   Seen innocently by some as photo-opped exercises in humanity, what lurks beneath the surface is the presidential Kiss of Death with succubus stealth draining the very souls from these unfortunate citizens.

   Can no one stop him?

Gov. Blagojevich is Turning Tricks

AP - Chicago

   Never one to pass a nickel in the street, shady operator and Best Coiffed Hair Guy in Politics, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is busy marketing his downfall as it happens.

   He has launched a new website to sell his wares and offer pardons and paroles. According to the site, www.blagotheho.com, prison terms for non-violent offenders can be reduced or commuted for $1000. Violent offenders, including rapists and murderers have to pony up $25,000-$50,000.

   Also for sale on the site are a wide range of T-shirts and colorful mugs emblazoned with his smiling face and the slogan "Blagojevich Sucks".

   "This shit is flying off the shelves." the governor said recently in a wiretapped phone call to his wife. "We're going to Bermuda, Bitch!"

   Of special note: Novelty toupees of the governor's famously perfect hair can be purchased for $59.

Senator Buttars of Utah - Another Mormon Who Can't Get Laid

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   State Senator and Sick Fuck Mormon, Chris Buttars hates the Gays. He hates them so much that he claims it's "illegal" for high school students to talk about human sexuality in school, lest they become enamored of the good gay life. "In fact, it's criminal." he says.

   Seen scowling at a Lesbian giving testimony regarding the value of Gay Straight Alliance Clubs in Utah schools, Buttars claims, "If you read the homosexual rule book, you'll find their greatest target is your kids."

   Policywanker wants to know where to get his hands on that rule book. It's got to be scintillating reading. Maybe something like the Book of Mormon, supposedly solid gold tablets that spelled out in Egyptian the way things oughta be - or else. First Prophet Joseph Smith found them in the woods somewhere and "translated" them. Not that anyone ever saw those golden tablets ever again - just take my word for it, they were really, really gold.

  It actually is scintillating reading. For instance, the Blacks and the Indians, or "Lamanites" as the BOM calls them, they were cursed by God to be Darkies for their wickedness. (*Policywanker wants to point out that if they go Mormon today, the BOM proclaims they will become "white and delightsome" again. It's so exciting.)

   Not that the fruits of change are not present within the leadership of the LDS - even Joseph Fielding Smith, 10th Prophet and President (1901-1918) once bubbled, "Darkies are wonderful people."

   But that spirit of wonderfulness has not passed down to some of today's rank and file Mormons. Sen. Buttars recently referred to legislation he didn't like as an ugly baby bill, "This baby is black I'll tell ya, it's a dark, ugly thing."

   Nice.

for my wife...

A new documentary film on Marriage Equality poses the question: What Makes an Activist?

Charlene Strong's story is one of tragedy and triumph as she finds her voice as an activist for LGBT equal rights. You can find out more about this film at: www.formywife.info

It will be featured at the Palm Springs International Film Festival Jan 6-19, 2009. And the Melbourne Queer Film Festival in March, among other festivals.

Bush Receives Small African Boy for Global AIDS Work

   AP - Washington DC

   To commemorate World AIDS Day, Pastor Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church is hosting a Civil Forum on Global Health, where he will present President George W. Bush with the "first-ever" International Medal of Peace.

   "It's very exciting," claimed Pastor Warren, "and we didn't want it to be just a stupid plaque or trophy. So, my wife said - Honey, let's buy him, you know, a little helper to have around the Crawford ranch."

   The 8 year-old boy from Malawi is called Jinjo, but the president has already given him a new nickname. "I call him Jin-Boy," Bush reported, "like the booze, Gin, get it?"

   The award recognizes the Bush administration for its AIDS initiative which it claims to have helped treat 2 million people living with AIDS. 

   President Bush added, "I don't know what we did exactly, something about telling them to quit fucking so much. I mean really, they fuck like bunnies over there. And I said, hey, give it a rest, will ya?"

Bush Still President - No One Notices

AP - Washington DC

   Soon-to-be Ex-president and hopeless ignoramus, George W. Bush, practiced his good-bye wave today on the steps leading to Air Force One. After making several final attempts to look like a departing statesman, he could not stop giggling and finally gave up, exclaiming, "Oh, fuck it, it's not like anyone gives a shit."

   The White House was unable to find any media outlet willing to host Bush's exit interview, so his younger sister Doro Bush Koch asked him several easy questions and filled in the rest with made-up bullshit. 

   An excerpt from the "interview" includes doozies like, "Reflecting on his eight-year presidency, President Bush said above all he would like to be remembered as a commander-in-chief who remained faithful to his values and did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process. He chose instead to sell the lives of thousands of American men and women in a corporate bid for oil dominance in the Middle East."

   Claiming that he believed his legacy would include the liberation of Iraq, Medicare improvement and curing AIDS, even his Bush's sister stared at him in amazement, muttering, "You are out of your freaking mind."

Annual Turkey Pardon - Bush Pardons Himself

   

   

   

   

   AP - Washington DC

   The annual dumbshow of the Presidential Turkey Pardon came at an ideal point in lame duck George W. Bush's calendar. The staged photo-op of the Thanksgiving turkey being spared the axe is a traditional moment each November, but this year the outgoing president, never one to miss a trick, used his authority to spare himself any post-January investigation or prosecution.

   "Fuck the bird, " Bush cackled to the gathered reporters, "Heh-heh, I mean... let's eat the bird, I'm going free!"

   The reporters laughed, thinking it another example of the president's off-color humor. But he insisted, "I'm serious motherfuckers, there's an Executive Order on my desk right now. So, Hasta La Vista, dickwads, nobody can touch me."

   He then grabbed the startled turkey by the neck and swung it over his head, killing it instantly. "And that's how we do it in Crawford." The president then sauntered back to the West Wing entrance chuckling quietly to himself.

There Is A God, Part 2: Ann Coulter's Jaw Wired Shut

   Why the Long Face, Ann?

   AP - New York

   Media Whore and Nazi Henchman, Ann Coulter has reportedly broken her jaw and a team of surgeons have wired her mouth shut, thereby silencing, at least for now, the Banshee's sickening screech.

   Details on how Mr. Coulter came to this blessed state are not available, but a cocktail waitress in a Manhattan nightclub claims, "I saw her there in the coatroom, giving head to that crazy 'ol Al Sharpton. Next thing I hear is her screaming and all Hell broke loose."

   Doctors at New York's Lenox Hill Hospital claim to be searching to replace the damaged bone structure. Maxofacial surgeon Dr. John Halpern detailed the search, "It's difficult actually to find the right donor material. We have narrowed it down to two possibilities - a non-acid corrosive titanium alloy... or the jawbone of an ass."

   Meanwhile, Mr. Coulter is resting in her hospital room surrounded by cards and flowers from well-wishers. 

It's Hard Out There for a Pimp - Cheney' s Boner for Torture

   AP - Washington

   Soon to be ex-Vice President Richard Cheney recounted the highlights of his time in the Bush administration to reporters gathered at an informal good-bye party held in the driveway of Number One Observatory Circle, the mansion he has called home for the past eight years.

   "Oh, boy, that's easy," the seemingly relaxed Cheney reminisced, "my favorite part of the job was fucking guys up, you know, watching them piss themselves with fear. I get hard just thinking about it. Look." He then pointed to the growing bulge in his pants.

   Asked whether he felt he would be remembered as a good vice-president, the normally taciturn Cheney laughed, "Who the fuck cares?  I've got more money than God stashed away in banks around the planet. And intel on every world leader from Ahmadinejad to Obama- no one would dare to fuck with me. Yeah," he added with an eerie grin, "let 'em try."

"Free at last!" Lynne Cheney Gets Tattooed and Pierced

  AP - Washington

   In happy anticipation of her impending freedom from the conservative mores of capitol society and the prying eyes of the media, Lynne Cheney, wife of the evildoing future ex-Vice-President Dick Cheney, has gotten fully tattooed and is sporting a number of vaginal piercings.

   "My daughter is a stick compared to me." Mrs. Cheney reported to a close anonymous source, "I've had to be cool. But that's all over, baby."

   Lynne Cheney courted controversy early in her husband's White House career when her first novel surfaced. It featured woman on woman sex. She has since refused to comment on its purported biographical content.

   But certainly, she is coming into her own and looks forward to being a free spirit again.

She is reported to having told a friend, "I will shit on the kitchen table if I feel like, man."

Terrorist Attack WARNING! Michael Jackson Goes Muslim

   AP - Islamabad

   The recent conversion to Islam by child molesting pop-star Michael Jackson has raised CIA fears of a terrorist attack as scores of radical Muslims took to the streets to protest the perceived insult.

   "Death to Billie Jean! Death to America!" the angry men screamed at the US journalists who covered the riots, which broke out sporadically throughout the Muslim world.

   "We can't take this kind of abuse," exclaimed Imam Abbu Bin Wahoo, "We don't care how many albums he sold, he's no Cat Stevens."

   Now calling himself Mikaeel, the reclusive father of three has also taken to wearing a veil - a chador-style fabric worn only by women in Arab countries. "That's another thing that chaps my chapati," continued the Imam Wahoo, "He's wearing a damned veil! What is he, a harem dancing tranny now, too? Allah help us."

First Up - Don't Ask Don't Tell? - Nooooooo!

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   Now, wait a darned minute, folks. Are we so much more evolved then the heady, hay day moments of Bill Clinton's first baby steps in office? Doubt it.

   Lest I need to remind you - it was "Gays in the Military" that got stuffed down Big Bill's throat as the first item on his "Must Do" list. It was a rallying cry amongst the Appalachian banjo players that the Clintons were just "not one of us".

   And now, it's Obama's raison d'etre? Come now. Barry is not losing sleep on this one, folks. So, who IS bringing this canard home to an early roost? My guess - the Reds. They will start throwing shit until something sticks. 

   NOT that the gays don't deserve to serve - let 'em. But it's a military policy that can be undone by just not firing the queers if they get caught en flagrante.

   Let the Joint Chiefs make the announcement, no one will question their moral highground.

   And can we please have a Honymoon with our hot cocoa man in the Oval Office for just a few months - before he's crucified?

Prop 8 - Focus on the Family, Target the Queers

POLICYWANKER SPECIAL REPORT




   AP - Los Angeles

   Clearly, the big out-of-state donors to California's anti-queer smear Prop 8 have an axe to grind. But who are they and what is their problem? 

   Checking the list, the top prize goes to fat fuck John Templeton, of Pennsylvania. He inherited a buttload of cash from his Hedge Fund old man and wields it for conservative causes. He donated a cool mil (seriously, $1,000,000) to defeat gay marriage in another state. Hopefully, it will help him in his own efforts to get laid - as he is one ugly sumbitch.

   Next, in the category of "Love Jesus - Hate the Fags", comes the Evil Prince family. Old hag with bad hair, Elsa Prince of Michigan, gave an easy $450,000, while her creepy, but somehow hot son, Erik, funneled his dough through Focus on the Family, on whose board he sits. 

   Erik Prince deserves his own special mention here, being president and CEO of Blackwater, the secretive paramilitary organization that has thrived throughout the Bush years, taking HUGE sums of taxpayer dollars in no-bid contracts to subdue, terrorize and murder Brown people the world over.

   With the amount of fervor Erik displays for "Christian values" while causing death and destruction everywhere his "play army" goes, he is likely a devout closet case and someone should check his online history for bareback soldier porn.

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL - Magic Mormon Underwear and Other Fables of Prop 8

   Is it just Policywanker? Or do the Mormons come off as just a teenie, wee bit "out-of-their-fucking-minds"?

   Their "Amazing Prophets of the Lord" insisted Mormons everywhere join the Prop 8 fight in California. They proclaimed it was each Mormon's sacred duty to donate - compiling a war chest of $20 mil - to nullify civil rights already instituted for same-sex nuptials. Whether you lived in Sacramento or Salt Lake City - the CA queers getting hitched threatened EVERYONE!

   This, from a religion created by a delusional nineteenth-century charismatic able to rally around him - with promises of Milk, Honey and Lady Love - enough disaffected losers to call it a church.

   Principles of the LDS "faith" were found in the woods on stone tablets that somehow later mysteriously  disappeared. Inscribed in the text was the "go-ahead" for men to have multiple wives - a real crowd pleaser at the time. And then, you got the White Salamander, who might be the Angel Moroni, talking trash to Joe Smith and "voila!" - it's time for unearthly undies which will protect your private parts from intrusion by the "dark one". 

   What. The. Fuck.

   And they are the ones dictating laws?

The Prop 8 Ad The Mormons Didn't Want You To See!

Prop 8 - Shame on the Mormons

   AP - Los Angeles

   Over 15,000 marchers here in the Sunshine State left their burning homes and joined hundreds of thousands of protesters from around the world to voice their disgust that one retarded Christian sect had the power to remove the Constitutional rights granted another minority - the Queers.

   Hot Latino and L.A.'s Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa decried the miscarriage of the initiative process and shouted his support for the repeal of Prop 8.

   The measure succeeded in large part due to the monetary influence of the Crazy Fuck Mormons from Utah, whose leader Brigham Young once proclaimed if ever a Mormon man married a Negro, he should be "killed on the spot".

   Current church leaders, who call themselves "Apostles of Gawd" take a gentler, but still firm nuptial approach, selling their expensive Temple Weddings as the only sure fire way into Heaven, with really cool wedding gifts.

   But the protest lives on - because equal rights for minorities in America will always be won, against the opposition of the majority. 

   If the majority of the voters could still have slaves, their condos would be clean and the dishes done. And Utah would be it's own Sick Fuck Nation.

Obama Effect - Black Men Getting Laid Increases Dramatically

   AP - New York

   Recent findings by the Gallup Organization show a marked increase in the sexual desirability of Black men. Respondents to a study on the effects of Barack Obama's election expressed a strong desire to "fuck" him. 

   The largest polling group, White women between the ages of 25 and 40, in large numbers (87%) showed a desire to "date" or "just blow" him.

   A majority of Men from all ethnicities responded positively to a willingness to "go gay" just to get with the President-elect.

   This perceived "Obama Effect" is having a very real impact in the lives of average Black male Americans. Wilson Barnes, a catering company waiter in New York, expressed the changes in his dating life by saying, "Are you kidding me, man? I am on fire! And I thank the brother headed to the White House for that - we done overcome."

Stevens Update: Succubus Palin Moves in for the Kill

   AP - Anchorage

   While decrepid Republican Senator and convicted felon Ted Stevens fights for his political life, he now faces a new challenge - the death grip of Governess Sarah Palin's raw ambition.

   Faced with the Arctic winter and the loss of her national spokes-model title, Palin is seeking again the warmth of the Washington DC spotlight as a pinch-hitting replacement for the disgraced Stevens.

   "Wouldn't that be cool?" Palin mused to gathered reporters, "I could like, go back to Washington a winner and me and Hillary could be best friends in the Senate."

   It is seemingly inevitable that Stevens will be sidelined but laws in Alaska were changed to prohibit the governess from simply appointing herself as senator after her predecessor, former governor and huge crook, Frank Murkowski chose his own daughter as a replacement appointee to the US Senate.

   Many scratch their heads reviewing the bylaws and sketchy means by which Alaskans choose their representatives. 

   The governess, however, was delighted with her new opportunity, "Back in the old days, we used to say - ya gotta know somebody, or blow somebody. But I'm kinda famous now, so this should be a cakewalk."

New Military Spy Plane Revealed

   AP - The Pentagon

   Recently revealed plans to launch a rear attack deep into the bowels of Al Qaeda strongholds in Afghanistan and Pakistan include a Top Secret military attack aircraft with the code name "Flying Buttress".

   An unnamed Pentagon source claimed the action will "penetrate deep and hard into areas that never see the light of day".

   Military officials refuse to confirm or deny the maneuvers.

White House Wife Swap - The Shocking Pics!

   AP - Washington DC

   In a shocking display of ungentlemanly conduct, President Bush was seen grabbing Michelle Obama's ass on the steps of the White House today.

   Looking not too pleased at the president's behavior, President-elect Barack Obama gave First Lady Laura Bush a little "Cootie squeeze".

   Later, Obama told the gathered reporters, "Tit for tat, boys. And my lady's got some fine tat."

Palin Returns Home - Dishes Stacked Up

   AP - Anchorage

   Far from the glitter and glam of her national campaign, Governess Sarah Palin has returned home to find many chores have been unattended.

   "Jeez, it's like nobody else lifts a finger around here." the former VP-hopeful lamented, "I've got three days of laundry to do, at least."

   Asked whether or not she missed the excitement of the campaign, Palin was introspective, "Hey, didja see me on Saturday Night Live? That was so cool."

From the POLICYWANKER Mailbag: Prop 8's Mormon Massacre

Nov. 6 2008

Anonymous said: 

"Stupid, stupid, stupid. You not only show your ignorance of America and Mormon history by placing quotes out of context, but you also misrepresent where money came from that went into the Prop. 8 campaign. The money came from LDS members and any money that came from the church would have come from tax-paying businesses owned by the church.

I am sure, however, that you really don't care about the truth."

-----------------------------------

POLICYWANKER Responds:

Dear Anonymous,

I believe I know your father, but the Anonymous clan is large.

Regarding my "ignorance" - on the contrary, placing quotes out of context is an established journalistic practice championed by the Right (please see: Republican political campaigns and any FOX News broadcast for the past 10 years).

The Mountain Meadows Massacre was ordered by LDS leaders. That, you cannot obfuscate.

Regarding Prop 8, the following was reported by The Wall Street Journal (10/22/08): "Between 30% and 40% of the $25.5 million in donations raised as of last week by the "Yes" campaign has come from the Utah-based Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, supporters of the measure say."

They have since issued the following Correction: "Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints contributed between 30% and 40% of the $25.5 million in donations raised as of last week by supporters of a measure to ban gay marriage in California. This article about the measure incorrectly said the donations were from the church."

Likewise, I issue the same correction - with the following caveat: Mormons are still cult-ish Sick Fucks who want to earn their place at the Evangelical Table of Christian Hate. But, it will take more than Prop 8, considering even the Evangelicals think the Mormons are cult-ish Sick Fucks.

Prop 8 - Mormons' Biggest Win Since Mountain Meadows Massacre

   AP - Salt Lake City

   "If any miserable scoundrels come here, cut their throats." Thus spoke Brigham Young, the prophet of the crazy sect known as the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints in its early madcap days. 

   That adage can now be amended to include "...and go to California and fuck with the queers' equal rights."

   But first: A Brief Mormon History Lesson

   On September 11, 1857 (9/11, pay attention, people) Church leaders ordered the deaths of 120 non-Mormon pioneers who dared to traverse the holy Utah territory and were encamped in an area called Mountain Meadows. Dressed as Paiute Indians, the Mormon menfolk went on a rampage, killing every man, woman and child over the age of 8 years in the wagon train. The younger children were spared and distributed among Mormon families to be raised in the "true faith". The bodies of the murdered were left to rot in the open air for two years, when an official U.S. investigation uncovered the crime. Only one man was tried for the murders. He was shot by a firing squad at the site of the massacre.

   Fast forward to 2008:

   Using over $10 million of tax exempt "Church Donations" to infiltrate the California initiative process, and thus end-running the California Supreme Court ruling which gave legal status to Same-Sex couples, and thus the right to marry, the Mo's vs. the Mo's Proposition 8 ended with a win for uptight religious zealots nationwide. 

   They somehow protected marriage and saved Christmas. 

   Stay tuned for further court battles, as the Gays have launched a slew of court briefs (no Gay Briefs puns allowed here) and are promising to fight for the return of their equal rights. 

   Attorney General Jerry Brown (yes, that guy) has issued a statement proclaiming his intention to support the election results, but at the same time affirming the Same-Sex marriage licenses already issued.

   No one has yet explained how that will be non-discriminatory to affianced Lesbians and Gays who missed the cut-off deadline.

Adorable Actor from Noah's Arc Swoons with Obama Win

   Doug Spearman, Chance from Logo's TV series Noah's Arc, was overcome with delight/shock/love for humanity when Obama was announced as our next president.

   He wasn't the only person to totally lose his shit last night. 

   It proves once again, Dreams Come True and Prayers Are Answered.

   Welcome to a New World and a New America, my friends.

Oh My Fucking God!

AP - The World
It happened.

It really, really happened.

Barbara Bush Loses Her Beautiful Mind

   AP - Kennebunkport

   Reports are coming from unnamed staff members of former president George H.W. Bush claiming that Barbara has become a "blithering idiot".

   "Lordy, you should see her," one anonymous source said yesterday, "She go on and on about her damn son, the president." The source, who works in the kitchen at the Bush estate, told reporters that the former first lady has regrets about her son's handling of his role as president.

   "He fuck everyting(sic) bad, she say," the source went on, "She say her stupid boy no damn good. She say it over and over like a record, or someting(sic). She gone crazy. She stare at the wall. She no get dressed up. So sad."

   Other staff members have reported off the record that Barbara Bush makes prank calls to President George W. Bush's  private phone, taunting him. "It's funny as hell, if it wasn't so pathetic." reported another source, "She says shit like - 'Hey, fuckwad... proud of yourself? No one likes you! No one!' Then she'll hang up and call back in like five minutes and do it again.

   White House staff refuse to comment on the claims.

   

Time to Thank Gov. Chris Gregoire

Eagleburger Takes the Gloves Off - OK, One of Them, to Crucify Palin

   AP - Washington DC

   A former Secretary of State and one of John McCain's most prominent supporters offered a stunningly frank and remarkably bleak assessment of Sarah Palin's capacity to handle the presidency should the need arise.

   Lawrence Eagleburger, who served in the George H.W. Bush administration, said yesterday that Gov. Palin was an "Enigma Burrito". He went on to explain, "That's a disaster wrapped in a mindfuck and topped with shit-for-brains sauce.".

Elderly Men Refused Front Row Seats at Palin Rally

   AP - Cleveland

   Taking precautionary measures, McCain/Palin campaign staffers are refusing to seat older men too close to the stage fearing a repeat of Thursday's tragic deaths of three men from coronary attacks.

   The deaths occurred as Sarah Palin whipped up the Republican rally crowd in Detroit with chants of "Drill, Baby, Drill", a reference to controversial offshore drilling leases. 

   "That's not the drilling my husband was thinking," said Cheryl Stubbs, wife of one of the men. "I think he loved her, Palin, I mean." She went on to explain her husband's sudden political interest. "All his life he never even voted. And all of a sudden, he's making signs and going door to door. It was weird for me. It was like he had a mistress or something."

   Her sentiments were shared by the other two Republican widows. Amy Poletski, one of the women, added, "I'm not mad or anything. Max died with a boner. How cool is that?"

Poll Dancing - Obama Rides McCain Like a Bitch to the Finish

Grampa McCain Has Senior Moment - Forgets Palin's Name

   AP - Pittsburgh

   In an awkward campaign moment, Republican presidential candidate, John McCain, forgot his running mate's name, stumbling through several attempts before an aide whispered in his ear the correct one.

   McCain was speaking to a crowd of party faithful gathered at Provost Park, where an estimated 4000 people were crowded around a small platform in the park's soccer field.

   "She's my favorite little running mate and your favorite future vice-president..." he said by way of introducing Sarah Palin, but then added, "Come on up here, Cindy." 

   The senator's wife, standing nearby, appeared uncertain if he meant for her to join him. And Gov. Palin merely smiled and waved to the crowd. 

   But McCain grew impatient, "Susie, come here!" he urged. Now, both Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin looked at each other not knowing who was being called to the platform.

   But the senator continued, "Sally, come here dammit, don't keep the American people waiting." He then chuckled, trying to show he was being a good sport about the confusion, saying to the crowd, "Women... can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em."

   Finally, a campaign aide rushed to the senator's side and whispered something in his ear. McCain visibly grimaced, then shrugged it off. He turned to Palin and covered the mic, but could be heard saying, "I'm talking to you, Palin, now get your apple ass up here and show your legs."

   The governor then took to the stage and the crowd went wild.

Palin's Christmas Cards Back From Printer

   AP - Anchorage

   In apparent attempt to remind her friends and constituents where she plans to spend the holidays, Alaskan Governess Palin's Christmas cards feature a smiling Sarah posed in front of her future home, emblazoned with her new title, "President".

   Artie Pappas, day manager of the Anchorage Office Max store said Palin had placed the order in August. "She's a confident one," he explained, "I asked her if she meant it to read 'vice-president' and she said no, McCain's like a hundred and something, and she was goin' for gold."

   With the recent turn in the polls, Pappas is concerned that Palin will stiff him. "I've got ten thousand of these suckers waiting for her to pick up. She better not screw me on this."

   No comment was available from the McCain/Palin campaign.

Thrift Store Owner Recalls Palin's Clothing

AP - Anchorage

   The owner of Anchorage's now famous resale shop has publicly asked Sarah Palin to stop wearing the clothes purchased at her store.

   "It's embarrassing," explained Ellen Arvold, the proprietress of Out of the Closet, "and it's hurting my business. The things she's wearing, the dominatrix boots and severe little jackets, they're for cross-dressers."

   The consignment shop caters to Alaska's older heterosexual male population who enjoy dressing as women. "Most of our business is online, but I keep the storefront open for locals. I thought Governor Palin wanted the clothes for her husband, Todd. I don't ask questions. Live and let live is my motto."

  Arvold became concerned when she saw items purchased at her shop on national television. "I thought to myself, wait a darned minute. What the hell is she wearing? And now my business is down by half. She's killing me. None of my clients want to dress like her. They're freaks, but they're not stupid."

Halloween Horror - Palin Masks Not Selling

   AP - Chicago

   Retailers across the nation are bemoaning the purchase of Sarah Palin masks for Halloween.

Costumers and variety store owners claim the masks are not moving and they fear they will be stuck with huge orders of the novelty item long after the November election.

   "Who knew she would end up this unpopular? I've got Pol Pot masks selling faster than Palin's." complained Sid Fein of Boo To You, a costume shop located in a strip mall in a suburb of Chicago. He believed the masks were a good investment when he placed the order right after the Republican convention. 

   "I'm not a damned mind reader, people." Fein went on to say,  "I told my wife - don't you blame me - that crazy broad Palin is who you should blame. Everybody's sick of her face by now. I'm ruined. So, fuck her."