Hudson Survivors Angry with Treatment - Would Rather be Dead

AP - New York

   Complaints are now coming in from the survivors of the Miracle on the Hudson, where US Airways flight 1548  hit a flock of geese and was valiantly steered into a water landing, or "ditching" on the Hudson River.

   Captain Chesley Sullenburger has been declared a hero for his skills in bringing the plane down without engine power into the frigid waters off Manhattan. No loss of life occurred in the event, which is unprecedented. Passengers were deplaned in an orderly fashion through the exits onto door slides turned rafts, until nearby boats and ferries rescued them without difficulty.

   US Airways has issued $5000 checks to the fortunate travelers for lost luggage and instated them as VIP Frequent Flyers for one year.

   "Not good enough!" says Janie McKracken, spokesperson for the survivors, "We want money. Lots and lots of money. News interviews don't pay the bills, baby. And an upgrade for a year? Fuck that."

   Representatives for the airline refuse to speak publicly about the survivors demands but, an anonymous source who works for US Airways claimed, "Really? They expect to be paid for us saving their asses? You gotta love America."

RNC Gets Their Own Black - But Still Hopelessly UnCool

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

In a transparent attempt to grab headlines and future votes, Maryland's Lt. Gov. Michael Steele has been elected to head the tragically retarded GOP.

This pathetic effort to show diversity in the Grand Old White Party stinks with the rancid air of "Me, Too" racism. 

When asked to comment on Steele's election, Republican congressman and perpetual crybaby John Boehner crowed, "The Democrats got a Black. Now, we got a Black. So there."

Boehner Complains - Obama's Package "Too Big"

AP - Washington D.C.

   GOP mouthpiece and tanning addict, Rep. John Boehner took to the airwaves to bitch and moan about the size of President Obama's tool to stimulate the nation.

   "It's too big. It's gonna hurt and I mean it." The congressman went on to whine,  "Have you got a look at it? Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"

   He recommended the GOP plan as an alternative to the pain that Obama's enormous package would incur. "Smaller, definitely."

Blagojevich Switcheroo - His New Senate Pick is Caroline Kennedy

AP - Chicago

   While making the rounds on the national news and talk show circuits to plead his case, sleazy Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich announced to Barbara Walters on the View that his Senate replacement pick for Barack Obama's vacant seat would now be Caroline Kennedy.

   When Walters asked why Caroline Kennedy and why now, the governor was typically candid. "Are you kidding me? She's loaded." he explained.   

   "And Burris got me absolutely nothing. I thought I'd at least get Black points with him - but, nothing... bupkis."

   Ms. Walters, magically inserted into the interview by means of a satellite feed, seemed to be addressing Blagojevich from the future. She pressed him on his wiretapped phone calls and made an attempt to get to a deeper level of understanding by probing, "If you could be any kind of tree, what would it be?" He had no answer, dodging yet another inquiry.

   The disgraced governor than joined the panel of View vixens and fielded their questions about his switch to Caroline Kennedy as his Senate pick. 

   Former Star Trek counsellor Guinan, Whoopee Goldberg, led the inquisition by first warming the hot seat, "We, at the View, want to thank you for coming on our show, but tell us Governor, Caroline Kennedy? Really? Are you out of your freakin' mind?"

   Blagojevich, cool as a cuke, merely smiled. "Chicks dig me, Whoopee." He then added, "You dig me. I can tell."

The Selling of All Things Obama

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   The flood gates of retail crapness have opened. Policywanker has seen the future and it is café au lait colored and it is HUGE!

   Moving past the Barack Obama commemorative coins and plates and glassware and condoms (I'm just sayin'), and on to the Malia and Sasha dolls, which by the way look nothing like the First Daughters, and we will see a never-ending shitstorm of Obama gee-gaws and knick-knacks to fill the shelves and dumpsters of many future generations.

   Yes, it's an important moment in our nation's development. And yes, those daughters are damn cute and deserving of our adoration - but, People...! You are no closer to the moment by buying shit off the TV with a "likeness" of the new hot cocoa president.

Roberts Gets a Do-over

AP - Washington D.C.

   Silencing the constitutional Cassandras who claimed the botched Oath of Office illegitimized President Obama's presidency, Chief Justice John "Hey, I'm new at this!" Roberts got another chance to screw it up. This time without the cameras and 2 million citizens watching. 

   We will never know the full extant of the incompetency displayed in private by Roberts, the Bush appointed gift of idiocy that will keep on giving for decades to come. But suffice it say, what we don't know won't stress us.

Thank God, Almighty!

AP - Washington D.C.

No words.

No comments.

No emotion can capture this moment.

Cheney Retires to Pottersville

AP - Washington D.C.

Completing his transformation into the dastardly villain, Mr. Potter, the thankfully former VP Dick Cheney appeared in a wheelchair at the inauguration of President Barack Obama.

When asked on his need for a wheelchair, Cheney barked, "It's my spine, you asshole! It's gone or shriveled up, how the hell do I know?"

Playing for Laughs - Al Franken and the GOP

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   After a brutal tally battle, comic Al Franken is going to Washington. Whether or not the Senate Republicans will unlock the chamber doors is another thing. Threats of a filibuster are still making the rounds. 

   And now, with Roland Burris arriving uninvited with his suitcase in hand and Caroline Kennedy preemptively packing her bags, the final outcome of the Senate races of 2008 is still a nail-biter. Stay tuned for new drama and a possible last-minute switcheroo for the New York seat.

FOX NEWS - Murdoch The Magic Jew

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   Can we say it together? "FOX News is a Nazi-schooled, race-baiting, yellow journalistic organization bent on the destruction of intelligent thinking and rational governance."

   With the subliminal crawl under their cheery New Year's Eve coverage, FOX News gave voice to the creepy, White trailer-trash underclass that giggles when they hear the word "Negro", cuz it sounds like that other "N" word forbidden to them.

   So, "Barack the Magic Negro" becomes their theme song du jour, masked behind the term "coverage" and what is born is a new code for their hateful shenanigans. They can claim that a "viewer's email" went un-vetted straight to the screen. Or "a mistake was made". But they will never be able to claim they deserve a place at the table of competent broadcast journalism.

   Say it with me people, "FOX News should be shut-out of the Obama Administration. No seat in the Press Room. No interviews with administration officials. Nada. Zip. Bumpkis."

   And to Mr. Murdoch, a warning: Recall the lesson of the crime of the Nazi's lies and propaganda - or be doomed to repeat them.

Prince on Prop 8 "I don't vote" - Prop 8 on Prince "Then, shut the fuck up."

AP - Los Angeles

   Hoping to stem the tide of criticism on his controversial anti-gay comments to the New York Times, ultra-hetero pop singer, Prince, has declared, "I didn't vote for Obama, either." Thinking this superior stance puts him above the fray of worldly debate, the Purple One went on to say his conversion to the Jehovah's Witness faith was "like Morpheus and Neo in The Matrix". 

   When asked to explain what the fuck he was talking about. Prince stood up and did an interpretive dance while describing the film. "See, it's about these two hot guys, one's White and cute and kinda spooky. The other's a mysterious, but really hot, older Black dude. And they dance all slow-motion and stuff, like they're fighting, see? But they're really just practicing to battle the giant computer thing that controls us all. Get it?"

   Prince feels he was maligned by the NY Times about his political views. "We don't vote." the singer claimed, "and by we, I mean me and the Jehovah's Witness people. We don't have crazy parties and wear colorful costumes and prance around on stage... or have birthday parties. Cuz that's where the Devil can get you, you know, like at a birthday party or something."

   He claims the NY Times misquoted him, which has upset him terribly. "I have friends who are a gay and we study the Bible together." When asked to explain, Prince unzipped his pants to expose himself, "It's my weenie, but I call it 'my Bible, the Holy of Holies'."

   Regarding California's Proposition 8, which struck down the rights of same-sex couples to marry, Prince tapped his "Bible", saying "God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was like, 'Enough'."

Baby For Sale- Hefty Price Tag for Palin Bastard Pics

AP - Wasilla

   Snapshots of the heralded bastard birth of Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston come with a price tag. Proud new parents Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have issued a menu of possible photo ops and the costs involved.

   For $300,000 a news outlet purchases the first opportunity to publish an image of the infant with mother. For an additional $100,000, Bristol will nurse the baby. Add another $100,000 and according to the new mother, she will "show some tit".

   Prices have increased significantly with the likely indictment of Levi Johnston's mother on illegal drug charges. Levi stated his delight in the turn of events, "Are you kidding? I can buy a whole buncha shit with this cash." 

   Asked whether he looked forward to fatherhood, Johnston only shrugged, "Wanna see my pecker? It'll cost you."

Obama to Appoint Bruce Vilanch Gay Czar to "Shut them up"

AP - Honolulu

   In a move even the critics call "a stroke of genius", President-elect Obama has indicated he will reach out to Gay and Lesbian Americans through a new cabinet position, with comedian Bruce Vilanch to be appointed as the country's first Secretary of the Queers.

   "It's time these people had a direct voice in the administration. Then maybe, you know, they'll get off my back about the whole Rick Warren thing." Mr. Obama went on to express his eager anticipation of cabinet meetings with the rakish comic. "Oh man, Bruce is funny as hell. It's going to be a riot."

   The President-elect took time out from his family vacation on the island of Oahu to address the press pool about the ongoing controversy surrounding Pastor Warren's participation in the inauguration. "Did you see Frank Rich's column? He called Warren the de facto pope at my inauguration. Well, let me tell you, Rich is an asshole. If I wanted the pope, I'd have the pope. Now, who wants a shaved ice? I'm buying."

Is He Gone Yet?

AP - Washington DC

   With all the solemn dignity of Whoopee Cushion, barely President George W. Bush has provided the United States with countless disasters, economic ruin and death by the score. The nations of the world looked upon us with pity, fear and a petit soupcon of schadenfreude.

   Will we miss him? Hell no!

   Will we prosecute him? Stay tuned, the Ohio election fraud trials are just getting interesting. The "accidental" fiery airplane crash death of Mike Connell, just as he was preparing to go public with his involvement in the Dirty Rove Election Machine Scam of 2004, signals a game-changing maneuver and a desperate one at that. 

   This could get very interesting.

POLICYWANKER'S Holiday Film Reviews: Gran Torino a Lemon - Seven Pounds a Lightweight - Revolutionary Road a Titanic Mess

SPOILER ALERT - Do not read this if you hate films where the Protagonist dies.

   In Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood plays Dirty Old Harry (or Wally), a crusty gun-toting Korean Conflict vet who lives on a diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon and bigotry. In a performance that is at times Lurch-like, Eastwood growls and groans to exhibit his disapproval. Then, venting spleen like a war bride pushes eggrolls at Christmas, he spews every racist epithet known to man and shocks/delights the movie-going audience by using "those bad words" forbidden to them. Expect tittering when he calls three young African-American men "Spooks".

   As the recipient of repeated kindnesses, Wally's hard outer shell eventually cracks open, revealing a soft chewy center. His Scrooge-like turnaround (it is, after all a holiday movie) is completed early in Act Two, providing plenty of time for love to grow between him and his Hmong neighbors, who he must now protect from the Bad Guys, also Hmong immigrants who happen to act like Black urban thugs on TV.

   In a final "Make My Day" stand-off with the Bad Guys, Wally's ultimate sacrifice buys him the redemption he seeks and the ancestor worship of the Hmong people for generations to come.

   Redemptive self-sacrifice is also the theme of Seven Pounds. Told in a jumpy, "Now, what is happening in this scene?" editing style, Will Smith plays Tim, who plays Ben, an IRS agent who can pretty much go wherever he wants and get all kinds of information on people suffering from maladies and who just happen to desperately need new vital organs. But Tim is very picky with his intended largesse. If you are an undeserving person on his "Naughty or Nice" list (again, it's a holiday film) you won't get a piece of the Act Three pie.

   And finally, proving the point that longsuffering has no curative properties, Revolutionary Road reunites the doomed lovers from the Titanic, this time in a sinking ship of a marriage. Kate Winslet's real-life husband Sam Mendes directs her as a manic jittery 50's hausfrau trapped in the burbs, but ready to chuck it all for freedom and another pack of cigs.

   If you recall with fondness listening to your parents fight in the kitchen and threaten each other with chef's knives, you will love this film. If not, you will only wish for the coat hanger to come sooner.

Pope Likens Gays to Rainforests... Hot and Sexy Rainforests

AP - Vatican City

   Taking time out from his busy holiday shopping, flamboyantly dressed King of the Catholics and practicing Nazi, Pope Benedict has issued his Christmas message of peace to the College of Cardinals.

   "How about those gays!" the pontiff admonished the gathered clergy, "They are like the rainforests, the lungs of the planet, you know... hot, sweaty lungs with their muscles all glistening."

   His message, however, seemed to confuse some in the audience. Cardinal Botti of Italy confessed his wonderment, "I think what il Papa is saying is that the sexy men who do the sex are in danger of extinction. We must save them, no?"

   The pope's constant attention on gay men and gay sex in his speeches and sermons left others to think he was obsessing. Sister Mary Catherine Gallagher of Dublin, who comes to the Vatican annually for holiday mass, said that the Holy Father "was a bit of a closet case, all the time it's the gays this and the gays that - Jesus, Mary and Joseph - he should just get a grip and come out."

Pastor Rick Warren Confesses "I have eaten gay food."

AP - Long Beach, CA

   Televangelist Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church has shocked his parishioners with explicit details of his cavorting with gays and dabbling in the homosexual lifestyle.

   "I have many gay friends," the pastor recently bragged in an interview with BeliefNet, "I have eaten dinner in gay homes, drank many gay cocktails - those pink Cosmos are delish! And girl - let me tell you, I got so tipsy."

   The pastor went on to list his many other gay encounters, "I have swum in gay pools. I drive a gay car - a Miata. And look at this Hawaiian print shirt I'm wearing - never been to Hawaii - so Ga-a-ay!"

   Asked whether his inclusion in the inauguration day ceremonies was an indication of the President-elect's willingness to include all ideologies in his administration, Pastor Warren was introspective, "I went on a gay cruise once. And I'm considered a Bear in gay parlance. But I like Twinks. I think that makes me open-minded. Just like Barack Obama."

   

Obama Chooses Ku Klux Clan as Inauguration Day Color Guard

AP - Washington D.C.

   In an ongoing attempt to show that he can reach out to "all Americans", President-elect Barack Obama has named the South Carolina Chapter of the Imperial Knights of the Ku Klux Clan to serve as Color Guard for the Inauguration Day ceremonies.

   Progressive liberal critics were appalled, considering the aftershocks in the gay community regarding the choice of ultra-Right Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the inaugural prayer.

   In a statement released by the Obama transition team, the Clan's 'goodness' should not be outweighed by their 'badness'. And the President-elect was quoted as saying, "Clearly, we can learn from the fervent dedication these men show to their cause - but, we do not have to agree with them."

   The startling choice of the Clan, notoriously bigoted hate-mongers, only points to Obama's courageous willingness to reach across ideological lines to include differing points of view in his administration.

   Imperial Wizard Lem Oattie commended Obama's decision to include his chapter of the Clan in the Washington ceremonies. "Yeah, I wanna see that motherfucker up close, real close, know what I mean?"

White House Issues New "Barefoot" Press Briefing Policy

AP - Washington D.C.

   White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten has issued a strict "No Shoes" policy when the press addresses any administration official.

   Bolten claims that the new regulation has nothing to do with the recent attack on President Bush while touring Iraq over the week-end. "Not at all," he explained to a dubious press corps, "In fact, it's kind of a Hawaii thing, you know, leave your shoes at the door. We see it as a casual, friendly way to close things out during the administration's final days."

   Bolten went on to say it was the President's idea, as a way of welcoming president-elect Obama. "After all, he's Hawaiian, or Indonesian, isn't he? They always make you take your damn shoes off. Well, that's what we're doing. Next question."