"I have a wet dream..." - 13 Year-Old Wows CPAC with Emotional Speach

And a child shall lead them... them, being the RNC

AP - Washington D.C.

   Speaking to a desperate crowd of whinging Republicans at Friday's CPAC (Conservative Pricks and Cunts) meeting in the nation's capitol, 13 year-old Jonathan Krohn did not disappoint those gathered to hear political platitudes from the mouths of babes.

   "Conservatism is not about the party," Krohn explained,  "...cuz it's more like the soft, chewy filling inside the crusty old hardened shell of Republicanism." 

   The pundit without pubic hair went on to outline the four principles of Conservatism to an enraptured audience, "First, respect for the Constitution - except when it's drag. Next, respect for life - except when invading a brown country. Then, less government, except when lobbying for money. And finally personal responsibility, especially those poor people."

   Krohn closed his delivery with a joke about Michelle Obama's watermelons and left as the crowd stood and cheered. He remained in the lobby for more than two hours signing copies of his book, Define Conservatism.

Bolton's Stand-Up Bomb - Suggests Nuking Chicago

AP - Washington D.C.

   Appearing in a Thursday meeting of the righteous Republican wingnuts of CPAC (Conservative Pricks and Cunts), mustachioed maniac and somehow former UN Ambassador John Bolton proposed the destruction of Chicago as a suitable lesson to educate President Obama in foreign policy.

   Bolton, who refused military service for fear of dying in Viet Nam, had the audience in guffaws when he impishly suggested it would take the bombing of an American city, "pick one at random - Chicago" to put the US back on track as an international force to be feared. "Ya gotta beat on these brown people, show 'em who's boss. Otherwise they'll screw ya."

   He went on to cajole President Obama for being soft on military goals in Iraq. "That guy is a total pussy who makes me want to puke."

   CPAC members are a coalition of politicians and Evil Masterminds dedicated to world domination through military might. Their website promotes US Foreign policy as "the primary means of responsible world governance to show that we're no fags".

Forget the Chimp - Mayor Sends Obama Watermelon Joke Email

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   In an apparent attempt at side-splitting racial humor, Los Alamitos Mayor Dan Grose sent out an email depicting the White House lawn festooned with watermelons, with the caption: "No Easter Egg hunt this year".

   He's one fucking hilarious future ex-mayor, considering he sent it to local businesswoman Keyanus Price, a black woman. She was not amused. As she explained to the Associated Press, "As a black person receiving something like this from the city-freakin'-mayor - come on!"

   Policywanker concurs.

   Grose admits sending the email, but claims he didn't know black people ate watermelons. Or that it was a stereotypical joke - OK, so... why did he send it? Cuz he's an effing liar, too, besides a bigot... and a soon-to-be-replaced mayor.

   Buh-bye.

Chimp Controversy Alert! Obama is NOT the Prophet Mohammed

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   In an effort to bring sanity to a situation made ridiculous by the shenanigans of the Rev. Al Sharpton in his never-ending battle to stay in the news, Policywanker wades into the morass of the NY Post's Chimp Stimulus Cartoon Fracas with expert advice to all those incensed by the crass racial stereotyping evident in the insensitive cartoon - "Get a fucking grip!"

   First, the cartoon takes a potshot at the stimulus package - NOT the physical hotness of our studly Commander in Chief. 

   Second, President Obama is not the Prophet Mohammed who must remain unrepresented and uncharacterized in blasphemous printed image or heads must roll.

   And third, Al Sharpton is not the anointed effing Ayatollah armed with bloody scimitar and backed by unruly mobs to lop off the heads of those infidels so sinful as to besmirch the power and grace of our president with chimpish desecrations.

   GOOGLE "Bush chimp" and you will find over a million references to our previous president for chimplike appearances and behaviors. Was it racially motivated? Hell no. Was it hilarious? Hell yes.

   The real chimp, lampooned in the NY Post cartoon - the shot dead chimp - high on green tea and Xanax, is the real loser and forgotten victim in this dumbshow. Trained to be special, then treated like a retarded Victorian child and shot dead for acting like an animal. He's the one who deserves a protest march or two. Where is outrage, people? 

   Dare Policywanker repeat himself? "Get a fucking grip!"

Businessman Works to Improve Muslim Image - Beheads Wife

AP - Buffalo

   A prominent New York businessman, who founded the BridgesTV network to present a peaceful understanding between Islam and the world and eradicate the American image of violent Muslims, has been arrested for beheading his wife at his company's Buffalo headquarters.

   Muzzammil Hassan has been charged in the murder and decapitation of his wife, Aasiya Hassan.

   Created in the aftermath of September 11, BridgesTV had as its mission the goal to "connect people through understanding - or kill them if necessary".

   Mr. Hassan is currently being held without bail. When reached for comment on his actions, he was pragmatic, "She was getting uppity, you know. I've got a job to do and I won't let any woman get in my way of improving the dialogue between Christians and Muslims. Insha'allah."

   

In Other Effed-Up Baby News - 13 Year-Old Proud Papa

AP - Sussex, UK

   He may look young to the untrained eye, but Alfie Pattan, father of newborn Maisie, is old enough to show the ladies "a good time". As evidenced by his new status as Britain's Youngest Father on Welfare.

   "It just sounded like a fun thing to do." He said of his first time sex with slutty 15 year-old Chantelle, mother of his newborn daughter. 

   All three children will live with Chantelle's alcoholic father, in the Sussex Council Flats (projects) and receive state charity. Meanwhile Alfie's dad, Dennis Steadman, finds his son "just like his 'ol dad, a charmer with the girls." Steadman beamed to reporters, "Alfie's voice may not have changed yet, but he has proven what it means to be a man."

   Unsurprisingly, Alfie is not Britain's youngest father on record. That honor goes to 12 year-old Sean Stewart, whose relationship with 15 year-old Emma Webster lasted only 6 months after the birth of their precious bundle of joy.

Octomom Welfare Womb Asks for Your Donations

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   In a breathtaking display of Welfare Fraud and old-fashioned greed, proud mom of 14 children and plastic surgery addict, Nadya Suleman, has her hand out again. This time asking for online donations to help her live out a dream of becoming Angelina Jolie.

   She is quoted on her website as saying, "I've got the lips and the kids. MORE kids even. Now Brad will love me. I know it." 

   Already stiffing California taxpayers with the check for her birthing extravaganza, Miss Suleman shows no remorse in spending $1.3 million in hospital fees of other peoples' money during a national economic meltdown.

   Reports indicate she paid for her in vitro fertilization treatments with a $165,000 award from an on-the-job back injury she received during a riot at a mental institution where she worked. Clearly, her back was cured by the weight of carrying eight infants. (Policywanker issues a Workers Comp Fraud Alert - Pay attention, people!)

   The American tradition of cashing-in has a new Spokeswhore in Miss Suleman. She has hired a publicist to handle the budding career of her premie spawn. Stay tuned for endorsement deals, Wheaties boxes and Oprah. Not bad for a bitch still receiving Food Stamps.

Cheney Regales Blogger with Predictions of Doom

AP - McLean, VA

   Situated in his new office across the hall from a quick-copy shop in suburban McLean, former puppet master Dick Cheney spins his web of deceit with few listeners.

   "I'm writing a damn book," Cheney recently bragged to a lone blogger, there to update his readers on the doings of Dastardly Dick, as he affectionately calls him.

   "And Obama better watch out. There's bombs and shit coming our way. You mark my words!" 

   The former power mad vice-president claims a sixth sense for predicting disasters, both political and environmental. "I knew that Katrina was coming. I told my wife, 'Honey, a big motherfucking hurricane is going to take out most of New Orleans.' She looked worried until I said, "...just the Black parts.' But let me tell you,  I knew I was going to shoot my buddy in the face long before I did it. These things just come to me."

   Asked for specific dangers ahead for the United States, Cheney was forthcoming. "I see nuclear fuckbombs going off in New York and Los Angeles. And I can't wait for that fucking crisis. Those pansy-assed pussies in Washington will pray for me to come back to lead them again. That's for shit-sure."

POLICYWANKER Demonstrates How to Work the Red Carpet

Nazi Pope Pisses Off The Jews and the Cowboys

AP - Vatican City

   Outrage was the common denominator in the reactions by Jewish leaders upon hearing the announcement that Pope Benedict Arnold XVI had lifted the excommunications of renegade Bishop Richard Williamson and three other bishops who belong to the Society of Saint Pius X.

   The secretive sect was founded by Archbishop Lefebrve in the 1960s as a reaction to the Vatican II reformations. Followers of the cult are known to only speak to each other in an archaic form of Latin. 

   Bishop Williamson, who goes by the sect name of "Utt-bay Uck-fay", is a renowned Holocaust denier and was quoted as saying, "Jews Schmews. No way did 6 million of them die in gas chambers. Have you been to Florida? There they are! And yes, some did die in the camps. But those were common household accidents... slipping in the shower, falling off roofs, that sort of thing."

   Pope Benedict Arnold XVI was unavailable for comment, but a Vatican spokesman said of the controversial reinstatements, "We are reaching out to all Christians during these tumultuous times. His Holiness will be wearing a gown by Dior at the reinstatement ceremonies. And Donna Karan at the reception following. With a sassy red cowboy hat and purse by LaCroix."