Baby For Sale- Hefty Price Tag for Palin Bastard Pics

AP - Wasilla

   Snapshots of the heralded bastard birth of Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston come with a price tag. Proud new parents Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have issued a menu of possible photo ops and the costs involved.

   For $300,000 a news outlet purchases the first opportunity to publish an image of the infant with mother. For an additional $100,000, Bristol will nurse the baby. Add another $100,000 and according to the new mother, she will "show some tit".

   Prices have increased significantly with the likely indictment of Levi Johnston's mother on illegal drug charges. Levi stated his delight in the turn of events, "Are you kidding? I can buy a whole buncha shit with this cash." 

   Asked whether he looked forward to fatherhood, Johnston only shrugged, "Wanna see my pecker? It'll cost you."

Obama to Appoint Bruce Vilanch Gay Czar to "Shut them up"

AP - Honolulu

   In a move even the critics call "a stroke of genius", President-elect Obama has indicated he will reach out to Gay and Lesbian Americans through a new cabinet position, with comedian Bruce Vilanch to be appointed as the country's first Secretary of the Queers.

   "It's time these people had a direct voice in the administration. Then maybe, you know, they'll get off my back about the whole Rick Warren thing." Mr. Obama went on to express his eager anticipation of cabinet meetings with the rakish comic. "Oh man, Bruce is funny as hell. It's going to be a riot."

   The President-elect took time out from his family vacation on the island of Oahu to address the press pool about the ongoing controversy surrounding Pastor Warren's participation in the inauguration. "Did you see Frank Rich's column? He called Warren the de facto pope at my inauguration. Well, let me tell you, Rich is an asshole. If I wanted the pope, I'd have the pope. Now, who wants a shaved ice? I'm buying."

Is He Gone Yet?

AP - Washington DC

   With all the solemn dignity of Whoopee Cushion, barely President George W. Bush has provided the United States with countless disasters, economic ruin and death by the score. The nations of the world looked upon us with pity, fear and a petit soupcon of schadenfreude.

   Will we miss him? Hell no!

   Will we prosecute him? Stay tuned, the Ohio election fraud trials are just getting interesting. The "accidental" fiery airplane crash death of Mike Connell, just as he was preparing to go public with his involvement in the Dirty Rove Election Machine Scam of 2004, signals a game-changing maneuver and a desperate one at that. 

   This could get very interesting.

POLICYWANKER'S Holiday Film Reviews: Gran Torino a Lemon - Seven Pounds a Lightweight - Revolutionary Road a Titanic Mess

SPOILER ALERT - Do not read this if you hate films where the Protagonist dies.

   In Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood plays Dirty Old Harry (or Wally), a crusty gun-toting Korean Conflict vet who lives on a diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon and bigotry. In a performance that is at times Lurch-like, Eastwood growls and groans to exhibit his disapproval. Then, venting spleen like a war bride pushes eggrolls at Christmas, he spews every racist epithet known to man and shocks/delights the movie-going audience by using "those bad words" forbidden to them. Expect tittering when he calls three young African-American men "Spooks".

   As the recipient of repeated kindnesses, Wally's hard outer shell eventually cracks open, revealing a soft chewy center. His Scrooge-like turnaround (it is, after all a holiday movie) is completed early in Act Two, providing plenty of time for love to grow between him and his Hmong neighbors, who he must now protect from the Bad Guys, also Hmong immigrants who happen to act like Black urban thugs on TV.

   In a final "Make My Day" stand-off with the Bad Guys, Wally's ultimate sacrifice buys him the redemption he seeks and the ancestor worship of the Hmong people for generations to come.

   Redemptive self-sacrifice is also the theme of Seven Pounds. Told in a jumpy, "Now, what is happening in this scene?" editing style, Will Smith plays Tim, who plays Ben, an IRS agent who can pretty much go wherever he wants and get all kinds of information on people suffering from maladies and who just happen to desperately need new vital organs. But Tim is very picky with his intended largesse. If you are an undeserving person on his "Naughty or Nice" list (again, it's a holiday film) you won't get a piece of the Act Three pie.

   And finally, proving the point that longsuffering has no curative properties, Revolutionary Road reunites the doomed lovers from the Titanic, this time in a sinking ship of a marriage. Kate Winslet's real-life husband Sam Mendes directs her as a manic jittery 50's hausfrau trapped in the burbs, but ready to chuck it all for freedom and another pack of cigs.

   If you recall with fondness listening to your parents fight in the kitchen and threaten each other with chef's knives, you will love this film. If not, you will only wish for the coat hanger to come sooner.

Pope Likens Gays to Rainforests... Hot and Sexy Rainforests

AP - Vatican City

   Taking time out from his busy holiday shopping, flamboyantly dressed King of the Catholics and practicing Nazi, Pope Benedict has issued his Christmas message of peace to the College of Cardinals.

   "How about those gays!" the pontiff admonished the gathered clergy, "They are like the rainforests, the lungs of the planet, you know... hot, sweaty lungs with their muscles all glistening."

   His message, however, seemed to confuse some in the audience. Cardinal Botti of Italy confessed his wonderment, "I think what il Papa is saying is that the sexy men who do the sex are in danger of extinction. We must save them, no?"

   The pope's constant attention on gay men and gay sex in his speeches and sermons left others to think he was obsessing. Sister Mary Catherine Gallagher of Dublin, who comes to the Vatican annually for holiday mass, said that the Holy Father "was a bit of a closet case, all the time it's the gays this and the gays that - Jesus, Mary and Joseph - he should just get a grip and come out."

Pastor Rick Warren Confesses "I have eaten gay food."

AP - Long Beach, CA

   Televangelist Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church has shocked his parishioners with explicit details of his cavorting with gays and dabbling in the homosexual lifestyle.

   "I have many gay friends," the pastor recently bragged in an interview with BeliefNet, "I have eaten dinner in gay homes, drank many gay cocktails - those pink Cosmos are delish! And girl - let me tell you, I got so tipsy."

   The pastor went on to list his many other gay encounters, "I have swum in gay pools. I drive a gay car - a Miata. And look at this Hawaiian print shirt I'm wearing - never been to Hawaii - so Ga-a-ay!"

   Asked whether his inclusion in the inauguration day ceremonies was an indication of the President-elect's willingness to include all ideologies in his administration, Pastor Warren was introspective, "I went on a gay cruise once. And I'm considered a Bear in gay parlance. But I like Twinks. I think that makes me open-minded. Just like Barack Obama."

   

Obama Chooses Ku Klux Clan as Inauguration Day Color Guard

AP - Washington D.C.

   In an ongoing attempt to show that he can reach out to "all Americans", President-elect Barack Obama has named the South Carolina Chapter of the Imperial Knights of the Ku Klux Clan to serve as Color Guard for the Inauguration Day ceremonies.

   Progressive liberal critics were appalled, considering the aftershocks in the gay community regarding the choice of ultra-Right Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the inaugural prayer.

   In a statement released by the Obama transition team, the Clan's 'goodness' should not be outweighed by their 'badness'. And the President-elect was quoted as saying, "Clearly, we can learn from the fervent dedication these men show to their cause - but, we do not have to agree with them."

   The startling choice of the Clan, notoriously bigoted hate-mongers, only points to Obama's courageous willingness to reach across ideological lines to include differing points of view in his administration.

   Imperial Wizard Lem Oattie commended Obama's decision to include his chapter of the Clan in the Washington ceremonies. "Yeah, I wanna see that motherfucker up close, real close, know what I mean?"

White House Issues New "Barefoot" Press Briefing Policy

AP - Washington D.C.

   White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten has issued a strict "No Shoes" policy when the press addresses any administration official.

   Bolten claims that the new regulation has nothing to do with the recent attack on President Bush while touring Iraq over the week-end. "Not at all," he explained to a dubious press corps, "In fact, it's kind of a Hawaii thing, you know, leave your shoes at the door. We see it as a casual, friendly way to close things out during the administration's final days."

   Bolten went on to say it was the President's idea, as a way of welcoming president-elect Obama. "After all, he's Hawaiian, or Indonesian, isn't he? They always make you take your damn shoes off. Well, that's what we're doing. Next question."

Iraq Report: Bush Blinks, Then Ducks

POLICYWANKER SPECIAL REPORT

AP - Baghdad

   The Bush Farewell Tour Bus hit a pothole today as a real Iraqi finally got a chance to show his country's appreciation for US involvement in the ongoing murder and mayhem.

   "This is a good-bye kiss, you dog!" shouted Iraqi journalist Muntazir Al Zaidi, an epithet certain to go global in this information age. He then delivered the Arab version of a burning bag of shit on Bush's doorstep - a thrown shoe. Then, to emphasize his sincerity, he threw the other.

   Mr. Al Zaidi was quickly wrestled to the ground by security and dragged screaming from the room. But not before earning his place on a platform in the Pantheon of Heroes. And the applause of a grateful world. 

   Barely President George W. Bush was not harmed in the incident, due to a remarkably good ducking reflex, one that perhaps First Lady Laura has helped him to hone.

   There was one injury in the fracas however. Press Aide and lovable liar, Dana Perino, suffered a black eye when a jostled microphone was jammed in her face. Poetic justice? You decide.

   Mr. Al Zaidi's fate has not yet been determined. 

   However, Policywanker would like to take this moment to remove his hat - and say, "Muntazir Al Zaidi -  We salute you!"

Enough with the Kissing Already...

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   As if he hasn't done enough damage, pathetic alcoholic and tragically still president, George W. Bush is sucking the life out of every American he can get his hands on.

   Seen innocently by some as photo-opped exercises in humanity, what lurks beneath the surface is the presidential Kiss of Death with succubus stealth draining the very souls from these unfortunate citizens.

   Can no one stop him?

Gov. Blagojevich is Turning Tricks

AP - Chicago

   Never one to pass a nickel in the street, shady operator and Best Coiffed Hair Guy in Politics, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is busy marketing his downfall as it happens.

   He has launched a new website to sell his wares and offer pardons and paroles. According to the site, www.blagotheho.com, prison terms for non-violent offenders can be reduced or commuted for $1000. Violent offenders, including rapists and murderers have to pony up $25,000-$50,000.

   Also for sale on the site are a wide range of T-shirts and colorful mugs emblazoned with his smiling face and the slogan "Blagojevich Sucks".

   "This shit is flying off the shelves." the governor said recently in a wiretapped phone call to his wife. "We're going to Bermuda, Bitch!"

   Of special note: Novelty toupees of the governor's famously perfect hair can be purchased for $59.

Senator Buttars of Utah - Another Mormon Who Can't Get Laid

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   State Senator and Sick Fuck Mormon, Chris Buttars hates the Gays. He hates them so much that he claims it's "illegal" for high school students to talk about human sexuality in school, lest they become enamored of the good gay life. "In fact, it's criminal." he says.

   Seen scowling at a Lesbian giving testimony regarding the value of Gay Straight Alliance Clubs in Utah schools, Buttars claims, "If you read the homosexual rule book, you'll find their greatest target is your kids."

   Policywanker wants to know where to get his hands on that rule book. It's got to be scintillating reading. Maybe something like the Book of Mormon, supposedly solid gold tablets that spelled out in Egyptian the way things oughta be - or else. First Prophet Joseph Smith found them in the woods somewhere and "translated" them. Not that anyone ever saw those golden tablets ever again - just take my word for it, they were really, really gold.

  It actually is scintillating reading. For instance, the Blacks and the Indians, or "Lamanites" as the BOM calls them, they were cursed by God to be Darkies for their wickedness. (*Policywanker wants to point out that if they go Mormon today, the BOM proclaims they will become "white and delightsome" again. It's so exciting.)

   Not that the fruits of change are not present within the leadership of the LDS - even Joseph Fielding Smith, 10th Prophet and President (1901-1918) once bubbled, "Darkies are wonderful people."

   But that spirit of wonderfulness has not passed down to some of today's rank and file Mormons. Sen. Buttars recently referred to legislation he didn't like as an ugly baby bill, "This baby is black I'll tell ya, it's a dark, ugly thing."

   Nice.

for my wife...

A new documentary film on Marriage Equality poses the question: What Makes an Activist?

Charlene Strong's story is one of tragedy and triumph as she finds her voice as an activist for LGBT equal rights. You can find out more about this film at: www.formywife.info

It will be featured at the Palm Springs International Film Festival Jan 6-19, 2009. And the Melbourne Queer Film Festival in March, among other festivals.

Bush Receives Small African Boy for Global AIDS Work

   AP - Washington DC

   To commemorate World AIDS Day, Pastor Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church is hosting a Civil Forum on Global Health, where he will present President George W. Bush with the "first-ever" International Medal of Peace.

   "It's very exciting," claimed Pastor Warren, "and we didn't want it to be just a stupid plaque or trophy. So, my wife said - Honey, let's buy him, you know, a little helper to have around the Crawford ranch."

   The 8 year-old boy from Malawi is called Jinjo, but the president has already given him a new nickname. "I call him Jin-Boy," Bush reported, "like the booze, Gin, get it?"

   The award recognizes the Bush administration for its AIDS initiative which it claims to have helped treat 2 million people living with AIDS. 

   President Bush added, "I don't know what we did exactly, something about telling them to quit fucking so much. I mean really, they fuck like bunnies over there. And I said, hey, give it a rest, will ya?"