Cry For Me Argentina - Sanford's Swan Song

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   "There's a certain irony to this." 

   And with that, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford receives Policywanker's coveted NO SHIT, SHERLOCK AWARD for Political Excellence.

   Standing at the podium to deliver to South Carolinians what some would call a Press Conference, but Policywanker deems a painfully self-absorbed act of auto-erotic flagellation, the cracker governor careened widely between all-too-human love machine ("that whole sparking thing") and devoted public servant ("the fiduciary responsibilities I have to the people of South Carolina"). He stretched the credulity of the gathered press (some could be seen snickering at times) with tales of his Christian dedication to God's Law and something called the C Street Bible Group - a lobbying organization for Jesus, we presume.

   Now, keep in mind the local reporters have already consumed the best of his torrid emails, published recently and confirmed by his office to be legit. So his Hot Argentine Maria's "magnificent gentle kisses", seductive "tan lines" and "erotic beauty" speak louder to the governor's kink for the Horizontal Mambo than his determination to keep his hands on the wheel of his sinking Ship of State.

   An eight-year email tease went on between these two Married-With-Children adults-cum-adulterers. But is it our place to judge them? Well no, that is for them and their Gods to sort out. BUT - our place is to bask in the absolute theater of it all, when once again, a sanctimonious sumbitch politician who opposes Gay Marriage and adoption because it tarnishes the sanctity of Marriage, gets caught with his cock in the cookie jar, leading to a tearful public apology... divorce... broken families... children in therapy... and yard sales.

   And the clincher, to hide his horn-dog mission to Buenos Aires, he cooks up a fabulous fable of "hiking the Appalachian Trail" - now certain to be added to the Southern lexicon as a euphemism for getting your freak on. 

   Policywanker salutes the good governor from South Carolina with this award - and for his filling the vacant spot on a slow news cycle.

   And gives extra credit to Gov. Sanford for scheduling his fun, foreign fuckfest on Father's Day weekend. Real classy.

PETA vs. Pike Place Market Fish Throwers

AP - Seattle

   In a move certain to lose them street cred - particularly Pike Street - PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has come out swinging, issuing a strongly worded statement warning Seattle's famous fishmongers to "Handle With Care" their goods. 

   The beloved and fragrant merchants of the Pike Place Market are renowned to locals and tourists alike for their skillful and entertaining "fish toss", wherein one guy sends product soaring through the air to another, all the while shouting the customer's name and fish order.

   But PETA has had enough of the hijinks, claiming the practice was distasteful and disrespectful to the fish with "their corpses used as toys".

   Planning a protest during the upcoming convention of The American Veterinary Medical Association, PETA members are plotting to "take names and photos of the visiting vets who attend the Pike Market fish toss, bringing the protest back to their hometowns". 

   PETA president Ingrid Newkirk expressed her concern for the fish saying, "What if it was kittens? Would they throw dead kittens like that? I think not!"

   And an unofficial spokesman for Pike Place Fish, employee Swen Amundsen, voiced a philosophical reply, "I tell you what... I'd toss a dead Ingrid Newkirk for twenty-nine ninety-nine a pound. It's Copper River Salmon season, man."

   

    

Gays With Guns, a Love Story - Part Two

AP - Washington DC

   In a fantastical move to ram through legislation that allows interstate transport of concealed weapons, NRA lobbyists have hopped into bed with Gay rights activists. Senate Republicans are attempting to add a rider to the proposed anti-hate crimes legislation designed to protect homosexual citizens from gay-bashing.

   According to an anonymous Senate aide, adding expanded gun toting rights to the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act makes sense because "those gay guys need guns to protect themselves from the... ummm... the other guys with guns."

   The controversial rider has found support by at least two gay organizations, GOProud and Pink Pistols.

   "Armed Gays Don't Get Bashed" reads the online slogan for Pink Pistols (www.pinkpistols.org). Spokesperson for the group, Gwen Patton adds, "Armed Gays also get better restaurant service and cuts in the grocery store line. It's really just a matter of self-preservation."

   Critics of the legislation argue it only makes our violent society more violent. Misty Prager, of the organization Peace Through Peaceful Non-Angry Peaceful Actions, fears the worst for Hetero-Homo relations if laws like this are passed. "Picture this... Gunfight at the OK Disco... I rest my case. God loves you."

   Whether or not NRA lobbyists are successful in their efforts to tag the rider onto the bill, GOProud executive director Jimmy LaSilva predicts a new era in Gay resistance to violent homophobia. Patting a suspicious bulge under his jacket he grinned, while issuing the challenge, "Go ahead, call me a skinny fag... a I double-dog dare ya!"

   

Gays With Guns, a Love Story

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   With Gallup polling the average American's desire to see some hot man-on-man action in the military at an all-time high of 69% (insert snicker here), Gays, and those who love them, were perplexed by the Supreme Court's statement to "Talk to the hand." in their refusal to hear an appeal by former Army Capt. James Pietrangelo, dismissed under the Pentagon's infamous "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

   Damn, that was a long sentence.

   So, what we got here is a tricky presidential ploy to pull a switcheroo, according to Kevin Nix, the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network spokesman. He claims the Obama administration wants the ruling away from the courts so they can stick a presidential order up the arses of the Pentagon Brass. 

   Others claim that the president is a pussy who doesn't want to look all Clintony in his first days in office, what with the arduous tasks already on his plate, like saving the US economy, restructuring Health Care, undoing Bush's legal damages to the environment and our global prestige while keeping us safe from terrorists. 

   Critics point to the dismissal of First Lieutenant Dan Choi, who publicly came out on the Rachel Maddow Show (she has that effect on men), as evidence that the president was willing to undermine national security (Choi is a skilled Arabic translator) to prove his manhood by punching the sissy.

   Only time will tell (cuz the Air Force Lezzies are clamming up), whether President Obama will stick to his guns and keep his campaign promise to end DADT. So far, he has shown an unwillingness to bend over.

   

   

Obama Meets With Saudi Grand Wazir of All the World

AP - The Magical Kingdom of Ali Baba

   Eschewing the presidential custom of donning the traditional attire of his foreign hosts, Barack Obama wore a stylish two-piece charcoal Armani suit when meeting with the Saudi Chieftain, Paul Abdul al-Toona Bin There Dun That.

   The two world leaders posed for photographs at the king's bizarrely furnished ranch outside Riyadh. Sitting comfortably in custom upholstered chairs from Sears, the president was perplexed by the life-size portrait of the king towering above them.

   "That is me!" King Abdul proudly exclaimed, "I worked as a Hollywood extra in the old silent movie days. It was great times. I met so many great movie stars. Really great."

   At which the president inquired, "You don't look that old."

   Flattered, the king smiled and confessed, "This black beard and mustache... shoe polish! Really! It's great, eh? No one can tell!"

   President Obama continues his fantastical foreign tour with stops in Cairo to meet the mummy of Pharaoh Ramses the Third and on to France where he will place flowers at the Tomb of the Unknown Mime.