Debate Camp - Palin Learns to Make Faces

   AP - Washington DC

   In a crash course on grimaces and sneers, Gov. Sarah Palin is being coached by a pro. Her running mate, Sen. John McCain has been taking extra time with his distaff partner to show her the ropes on "put downs" and "eye rolling". 

   The fundamentals of debate are a strong suit for McCain, long seen as a top notch debater. "You've gotta show the other guy is an idiot without saying the words." 

   McCain went on to disclose his secret debate weapon, "When the other guy makes a really good point - I make a face like he farted, a real stinker. See?" he said, then demonstrated the eye-watering squint.

   Gov. Palin claims she's prepped for prime time. "Are you kidding? We eat moose... and I know what a rancid fart smells like. I'm ready."

Alabama Campaign Chief for Obama goes over to McCain

   AP - Mobile

   Obama headquarters in this southern town are in an uproar as the local campaign chief, Sally Mayhew announced her switch to McCain. "I am furious," she recently roared at reporters for the Mobile Sun, "Nobody told me Obama was a Negro."

   Mayhew, who has been blind since birth, expressed her frustration with the lack of honesty apparent in the Obama camp. "I may be blind, but I am not stupid. I feel tricked. There aughta' be a law or something. I mean, listen to the man... all smart-sounding and peaceful-like. And he's a Negro, God help us!"

   Her upset is compounded by the fifteen months she was worked tirelessly for an Obama win. "Somebody better tell me if McCain's colored or not." she added, waving her white cane at the gathered journalists, "Christ on a crutch - how are you supposed to know anymore?"

Shotgun Wedding ALERT! Palin says, "They do."

   AP - Wasilla

   In a perfectly planned antidote to her disastrous press encounters, Governess Sarah Palin has announced the pre-election marriage of her pregnant daughter Bristol to hockey playing homunculus Levi Johnston.

   In a media coup that will rival the royal wedding of Diana to the Prince of Wales, the hometown marriage of this rough-neck Romeo to his hillbilly hook-up promises to wipe Iraq, the Wall Street crisis and the debates from the front page of every newspaper in the country.

   And John McCain could not be more pleased, "I love weddings," the senator beamed, "America loves weddings. What's not to love?" Clearly, he will love commanding the news cycle for the week of the nuptials. He added, "Oh, I'll be there, you can bet on it. And Cindy. She's got this smokin' hot pink outfit. She's Maid of Honor, you know. Matron, I guess... whatever."

Palin Defends Creationist Belief "Humans Rode on Dinosaurs for Fun"

   AP - Omaha

   Vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin has been criticized for her religious belief that the earth is only 6,000 years old and humans co-existed with the dinosaurs. Scientists hold that the creatures died out 65 million years before humans developed as a species.

   To prove her point, Palin presented a photograph showing a human footprint in the fossil of a dinosaur footprint. "See, they wore Teva-like sandals like they show in those Bible pictures. I rest my case."

Poll Dancing

Sen. Obama has flipped Sen. McCain's poll numbers since the Sept. 5-7 data showed a 49% to 44% McCain lead among registered voters.

McCain Bummed at Debate Performance

   AP - Mississippi

   Republican presidential candidate John McCain walked off the stage in a huff after delivering a less than stellar performance during his first debate with Sen. Barack Obama. He was overheard questioning an aide, "Did I mention the P.O.W. thing?"

   But unlike his opponent who stopped to talk with the crowds of Ole Miss scholars and sign autographs, "Back off, motherfuckers," was the only thing McCain said to a group of honors students gathered to meet the maverick senator. He was apparently in no mood for chit-chat.

Bush Tries it Again - Fails

   AP - Washington

   In an amazing repeat command performance, practicing alcoholic and current president George Walker Bush delivered his "Scare the Bejeesus out of the Simpletons" speech with all the solemnity and gravitas of an Epcot automaton.

   Inserting the words "economy" and "financial crisis" where "Iraq" and "weapons of mass destruction" once served to strike fear into the hearts of all Americans, Bush was only half as successful in his attempts this time around.

   And how did this presidential rallying cry play on Main Street? Gathered around the television at Sammy's Bar in Omaha's once thriving downtown area, patrons were unimpressed by the president they twice voted for. Bartender Jinnie Spornak complained loudly, "I heard that shit before. Does he think we're retarded? Christ allmighty."

   Asked whether the current economic disaster would affect their votes in November, most patrons agreed that Sen. McCain was a war hero who deserved their worship and that Gov. Palin was "fuckable, like that naughty librarian in the porn movies".

HOLLYWOOD NEWSFLASH! Tears in Tinseltown

   AP - Hollywood

   Policywanker digresses from the heat of political battle with this sad item from California: Comic and former SNL star, Chris Kattan's 59-day marriage to Sunshine Tutt (She claimed descendance from the Egyptian Boy King) has ended in a bitter "he said - she cried" courtroom battle.

   Aspiring actress Tutt signed a pre-nup wherein she would receive a divorce settlement of only $10,000. But now, according to released court documents, she will receive somewhere in the low six-figures. Not bad for a two-month gig.

   Policywanker sends his condolences and requests the return of his Oneida flatware service for eight.

Alaskan Bears For Palin

   AP - Anchorage

   Regardless of her preference for hunting grizzlies from airplanes, some Alaskan bears just love their governess. 

   Regional Director of the Anchorage Man/Bear Love Society, Willie DuPont weighs in with his assessment of the VP candidate, "She looks just like Karen Walker, you know, on Will & Grace, the TV show? Come on, you remember."

   That favorable opinion seemed to be the rule at Big Fatty's Bar in downtown Anchorage on a recent Saturday night. Most of the clientele voiced support for their "governor gal". The evening was punctuated by shouted catch phrases like "Who's your Daddy?" and "Oh, Poodle..." made popular by the cancelled comedy series. 

   One notable exception to the Palin fan club was Carl "Cubby" McShane, "I fuckin' hate the dumb slut. And I never saw that damned TV show everybody keeps talking about. Wake up - she's a disaster wrapped in a mindfuck and topped with shit-for-brains sauce."

SHOCKING REVELATION! It's Witchcraft...

   AP - Wasilla

   The videotape of a bizarre 2005 religious ritual has been unearthed showing VP-hopeful Sarah Palin being protected from demons and evil spirits as she prayed for a successful sojourn through politics and into the governor's mansion. Kenyan Evangelical Pastor Thomas Muthee presided over the ritual, laying on his hands and pronouncing all manner of mumbo-jumbo. Muthee gained fame in his Kenyan community after successfully battling the local witch known as Mama Jane, making the way clear for the power of Jesus to enter the village.

   In the ritual performed over the willing Palin, "witches" were banished and their power mitigated, so Sarah could rise to power in the government, paving the way for Jesus to return to the White House, I guess.

   Doubters beware, after the exorcism, Palin went on to win the governorship and is poised for an even bigger prize.

   And if you don't believe Policywanker - watch this: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR8ybt82kjc

Palin Meets World Leaders Starting With "A"

   AP - Washington DC

   With things under control in her home state of Alaska, Governess and VP candidate Sarah Palin went to Washington to begin her cram course on world politics. McCain strategists have rented a series of world leaders to help Palin understand where each country is. 

   To simplify the process, her education is following an alphabetical approach, Palin first met with Afghan president Hamid Karzai. Her goal is to complete the A-to-Z list, meeting with the territorial leader of Zanzibar before the November election. When asked about the ambitious schedule, Palin was enthusiastic, "I thought Africa was a country. It's weird, isn't it?"

   Expressing her thoughts on meeting Karzai, the governess was introspective. "What an interesting man. I couldn't understand a thing he said, but did you see that cape?" 

Palin Clamps Down on Dissidents

AP - Juneau

   The round-up of dissidents continues as Alaska Governess Sarah Palin tightens the statewide dragnet in an effort to "cleanse the state of dangerous people with ideas". So far, over two hundred people have been detained in the state capitol and dozens more are under police protection around the state.

   "We must separate the wheat from the chaff," Palin announced in an early morning press conference. "And by chaff, I mean those chattering terrorists. So listen up, I will not rest in my efforts to rid our state of bad guys and secure the liberties and freedoms we Alaskans hold dear. And you're all getting bigger oil revenue checks this year - cool, huh?"

   When asked to confirm reports that four ACLU attorneys were arrested upon arriving at the Anchorage airport, Governess Palin smiled, stating only, "Yeah, like three Jews and a Black chick are going to scare me."

Alaska Crackdown Update

   AP - Juneau

   Following the round-up of her critics in Alaska, Governess Sarah Palin has gone on the offensive with the media decrying their coverage of her militaristic maneuvers to silence the investigation known as Troopergate.

   "I am only one woman, doing everything I can to ensure the security of all citizens of this great state. If you only knew the plotting that is going right now - today - that puts all of us so very much in the Code Red territory. Not yellow, not orange, but really, really red." She explained her reasoning for mobilizing the state's National Guard as one of Homeland Security, adding, "If we learned anything from 9/11, it was 'Be alert, be ready and be Americans."

   Palin reminded members of the press corps covering her campaign that she heard "terrorist chatter" that could not be taken lightly. "Chatter, people - real, live gosh darned chatter. It made the hair on my arms stand right up."

   Meanwhile, some of those currently being detained as a "threat to Homeland Security" are members of Congress in Alaska's State House. None could be reached for comment.

Poll Dancing

Palin Mobilizes National Guard

   AP - Juneau

   In a shocking development to the Troopergate scandal, Alaskan governess and VP hopeful Sarah Palin has mobilized the Alaskan National Guard, thus ending any official investigation into her misuse of power probe.

   Siting "internet chatter" about terrorist plots, Palin has embraced her mantle as Commander of the National Guard and issued the statement that "All citizens of our great state should be on the look-out for traitors and suspicious activities." 

   Under orders to "arrest all citizens spreading traitorous lies and thereby sowing the seeds of sedition", the Guard has taken into custody thirteen members of the Alaska House of Representatives and four state senators.

   Also caught in the dragnet was Palin's former secretary Edith Joseph, a Tlinget native and critic of the governor's sudden change of behavior as a national figure. Now under detention in Juneau, Joseph made a prohibited cellphone call to the Anchorage Times. "She is a bad one, that woman. All of sudden she goes Lower Forty-Eight on us." The call was cut short as the angry Joseph was discovered using the contraband phone. Her final comment brings to the forefront her concerns for Alaska's future, "Somebody gotta stop her!"

TROOPERGATE UPDATE: No longer "Hold me accountable" -Palin says "Hold me"

   After dodging the investigators and the media on whether or not she misused the power of her position to fire people she didn't like, Governess Sarah Palin now asks for understanding.

   "Can't we just move on? It was so long ago and I've been having email trouble. How can I remember who said what to who - I'm just a mom, sheesh!"

   Todd Palin, champion snowmobiler and member of the Alaskan Succession Party, has refused to testify after being subpoenaed by the investigation committee. And issued a challenge,  "Those guys are pussies. I'd like to see them make me."

   But his wife is taking a softer approach with the lawmakers. While appearing at a rally in Kansas City, she addressed the scandal by singing the refrain, "Don't you wish your VeePee was hot like me... dontcha? Dontcha, baby... Dontcha?"

   

   

Palin Bump Deflates

   

   

     An unsurprising turn in a campaign full of surprises shows Alaskan Governess Palin's favorable polling numbers among women dropping.

   Political analyst Jim Reade explains, "After the convention and the excitement of her teen daughter's pregnancy story wore off, I think most women are starting to realize what a bitch she is." Others place the blame on a closer look at Palin's extreme religious fanatacism.

   When asked, "Would you abort the fetus if you were raped by Satan?" Most female respondents polled replied, "Yes, definitely." 

   But when asked the same question during a rally in Des Moines, VP candidate Palin replied, "Absolutely not. The Antichrist is a harbinger of the return of Jesus Christ. I'd knit booties and get ready for the ass-kickings."

Joe Shows Sarah How to Point

   In a daring challenge to Gov. Palin's constant use of the index finger in her stump speeches, VP contender Joe Biden went all the way, raising the stakes and BOTH of his pointy fingers.

   "See?" the senator exclaimed at yesterday's Senate debate on the worsening financial crisis, "I've got 'em and I'm not afraid to use 'em!"

   When asked to comment on the direct attack against her style of politics, Gov. Palin responded, "So what, I've got these..." raising both index fingers and pointing to her breasts, "...end of story."

Palin Continues Giving the Finger

   As previously noted, VP wannabe Sarah Palin has taken to using her index finger during public gatherings and speeches. It flies in the face of established political norms. But waving it, pointing it and shaking it front of running mate John McCain, maverick Palin seems to enjoy its versatile use.

   Policywanker will continue its ongoing coverage of this phenomenon.

Support Our Troops! Senator McCain, have you no sense of decency?

   And what about the Vets?

Despite his lying claims that Vet groups give him their highest ratings, the facts tell a different story.

   Sen. McCain has voted against Veteran's health care and was absent on the day of the vote to pass the new GI Bill, for which the famously former P.O.W. now takes credit.

   Let's pay attention, Red Staters!