Debate Results In - Palin Wins Swimsuit Competition

   The nation fell in lust with Sarah last night as she proved once and for all that she is a "heckuva gal". Her opponent Sen Joe Biden, though a skilled debater, never seemed to hit his mark in the seduction of the American voters. But Sarah Palin did - in spades.

   Polling data showed that most viewers found her "not as stupid as supposed". Males aged 25-45 agreed that Gov. Palin "would probably be willing to do anal after three Cosmos".

Palin Mobilizes National Guard

   AP - Juneau

   In a shocking development to the Troopergate scandal, Alaskan governess and VP hopeful Sarah Palin has mobilized the Alaskan National Guard, thus ending any official investigation into her misuse of power probe.

   Siting "internet chatter" about terrorist plots, Palin has embraced her mantle as Commander of the National Guard and issued the statement that "All citizens of our great state should be on the look-out for traitors and suspicious activities." 

   Under orders to "arrest all citizens spreading traitorous lies and thereby sowing the seeds of sedition", the Guard has taken into custody thirteen members of the Alaska House of Representatives and four state senators.

   Also caught in the dragnet was Palin's former secretary Edith Joseph, a Tlinget native and critic of the governor's sudden change of behavior as a national figure. Now under detention in Juneau, Joseph made a prohibited cellphone call to the Anchorage Times. "She is a bad one, that woman. All of sudden she goes Lower Forty-Eight on us." The call was cut short as the angry Joseph was discovered using the contraband phone. Her final comment brings to the forefront her concerns for Alaska's future, "Somebody gotta stop her!"

POLICYWANKER COMMENTARY: Return of the Pointy Finger

   Long discredited as a campaign practice, the brandishing of the pointy finger has returned to the stump speech. Maverick VP contender Sarah Palin often uses the demeaning and scornful index finger wave to prove herself "on top of the issues" and demean her opponents as "just plain wrong".

   Not since the days of the televised Kennedy-Nixon debates have audiences seen so much index finger waving. The impact of focus groups and spin doctors created an environment of caution around the practice. The average voter responding to images of politicians waving a pointy finger claimed they felt "talked down to" and "shamed".

   As a result, politicians took to the Thumb Jab for emphasis in their speeches. By making a fist and pointing outward with the thumb, speechmakers found it was a less threatening, albeit less clear, gesture.

   But no more. The gloves are off and voters should prepare themselves for an ongoing election campaign that is more akin to a lecture from the iconoclastic Schoolmarm of Anchorage.

Policywanker Goes to AK - So you don't have to. Part I

In my ongoing efforts to find out what the fuck is up with Alaska and the Governess Palin... I travelled to the Frozen State. 

There, I discovered that Gov. Sarah "I brake for Jesus" Palin is worshipped as a Nature Sprite/Demi-Goddess, capable of granting wishes and lubricating a chassis in sub-zero temps.

She is often seen in nature at dawn, the sunlight glistening on her porcelain skin, killing shit.

In an attempt to witness first-hand this awesome spectacle, Policywanker went to Alaska in hopes of experiencing the Palin Phenomenon up close. But first, I had to acclimate myself to the local habits.

I got a gun. And I shot it. It was really, really loud. Nothing died, but I felt something akin to power. And I wet myself a little.

Gov. Karen Walker stumps for Grampa McCain

OK - So, she's better medicated, but Palin comes off as a Sit-Com Diva ready to slit your wrists and call it intervention.

Following up Mayor 9-11's speech, who posed in front of a sunset Hallmark rendering of a World Trade Center-less NYC, Gov. Caribou Barbie was adorable in her role as party hatchet moll. Though, she was not able to bring the crowd to rousing chants anywhere near the scale of Rudy's "Drill Baby, Drill", she whipped up the public froth on Obama with successful ridicule and derision suitable for a small town lynching.

Her one true moment of heart-felt sweetness came when she spoke as a mother of a "special needs" child. Proclaiming her advocacy of families with handicapped children, you could almost forget she was a Republican. *FYI - to visitors from other planets: Republicans are staunch inhibitors of government spending to benefit public needs. 

An important piece of data for ALL AMERICANS: The wealth and prosperity so bragged on about Alaska's No Income Tax/ No Sales Tax Economy - on top of the Oil Royalty Checks every Alaskan receives - Big Oil pays Alaska and Alaskans annual residual checks from the oil they pump out of American soil. 

Then, Big Oil writes-off these payments against their Federal Tax bill.

So who pays the Alaskans? The US Taxpayers! Tah-Dah!

Be not fooled, visitors from other planets, this Gov. Walker from Alaska is a hateful stewardess on the plane to hell.