END OF WORLD ALERT! Time Traveling Palin Meets Present Day Self

AP - Houston

NASA scientists have confirmed the possible dangers in an End of World Scenario that transpired yesterday. As every Sci-Fi scholar knows, when a time traveler comes face-to-face with him or herself in the past, present or future, a tear in the Time/Space Continuum occurs, wreaking possible mayhem and havoc on the generations to come.

An event of this magnitude was noted yesterday at the Ft. Hood Army PX booksigning of GOING ROGUE, where former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin was confronted by an angry Sarah Palin from the future. Harsh words were spoken before military police intervened and removed Future Sarah Palin from the premises. She appeared highly agitated and shouted loudly as she left.

Connie Watkins, a Ft. Hood floral designer, was standing in line as the incident occurred and overheard the altercation. "That future Palin lady was all kinds of riled up. She was saying stuff like, 'Stop before it's too late", "I'm begging you' and 'You will destroy America!'. It was all freaky-like. I had goose bumps, let me tell you."

When asked to comment on the confrontation, Gov. Palin merely shrugged and smiled, saying, "Gosh, you think she looked like me? She was real pretty, so I'll take that as a compliment."

Levi Johnston Re-enacts Famous Shower Scenes from PSYCHO and OZ

PSYCHO
OZ

Johnston's Johnson - How much would you pay to look at it?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ghost of Dead Oscar Mayer Crashes Weinermobile

AP - Racine

   Wiener mogul Oscar Mayer died recently at the age of 95. And apparently, he's not happy about it. Strange occurrences have been reported around the wiener factory and now, the famous Wienermobile.

   Yesterday, Sally Blodsky, who drives the trademarked hot dog vehicle, lost control of it mid-turn and crashed into the Racine home of Nick Krupp. "I heard this old man's voice," Blodsky told police on the scene. "He was just screaming at me, you know, bossing me...'Turn here! Turn there! You're going too fast!' ...like some damn backseat driver. I just lost it!"

   In the Oscar Mayer plant, workers claim to have seen a ghostlike figure hovering over the rendering vats. "It's the old man, all right," said longtime fat renderer Willie Sandinski. "He was a real S.O.B. always chewing my ass for nuthin'. Now he's dead, so screw him. I think they put him in the grinder."

   "Where's the body?" shouted casings technician Tina Wiesnewsky over the roar of the sausage stuffer, " That's what I want to know. The old man lived for this company. I heard it's in his will somewheres - Put me in the meat, he says... that's what I heard, anyways."

   No injuries were reported in the Wienermobile mishap. But police investigators are unable to explain the strange voices heard by the driver. Wisconsin Sheriff Deputy Danny Nodnick thinks there could be more to the story. "This may not be a simple case of dog bites house."

Pope Breaks Wrist in Masturbation Mishap

AP - Vatican City

   Anonymous sources in the Catholic Church hierarchy are reporting the supposed "fall" that resulted in the pontiff's broken wrist was in actuality a moment of self-pleasure gone wrong.

   Reigning Pope and Nazi Mastermind, Benedict XVI, was taken to hospital yesterday suffering from pains in his right wrist. Official reports claimed the Holy Voice of Christ on Earth took a fall in his apartment and that the injury was not serious.

   But conflicting stories have emerged that point to Pope Ben's predilection for jacking off and osteoporosis as the real reasons for the broken wrist. "He's not as young as he thinks he is." the anonymous source went on, "Il Papa must take special care of his bones and his boners."

Senator Smalley is Good Enough and Smart Enough

...and doggone it, the Minnesota Supreme Court likes him.

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX: Senate Edition

With that, the Democrats achieve their three decade goal of a filibuster-proof margin to fuck up the Republicans.

Let's see how long it takes them to really screw the pooch. As nothing messes with small minds like absolute power.

Take, for example, the proposed revamping of our national Health Care system. With drug and insurance money pouring into every congressional orifice, how long will it take for Dems to swoon under the pressure and "just so happen" to listen to their concerned constituents back home and call for the preservation of personal choice. Personal choice, these are the buzz words of the current rash of commercials hitting the airwaves to scare the gray hairs into calling Washington to plead for no change in the rape and pillage policies of corporate controlled health care.

The ads paint a soviet picture of faceless physicians clueless to our ills and prescription needs. "My doctor" will be lost from our lexicon as we are poked and prodded by anonymous hacks who don't know "where it hurts".

Policywanker points out to these stupid suckers that "where it hurts" is in their slowly shrinking net worth. While co-incidentally, industry analysts have just reaffirmed the Financial Strength Rating (FSR) of health care giant Regence Blue Shield (Full Disclosure: These fuckers are Policywanker's insurers and have just increased his premium, again.) as Excellent. Congratulations Regence.

Which brings Policywanker back to our newest senator.

Al Franken is a funny guy. Not the funniest. But funny enough.

He believes in Universal Health Care, the single-payer kind. Let's see how firmly he stands on this position, withstanding the pressures to amend it to continue clipping the middle-class to foot the bill for poorer citizens.

And then, we'll see who's laughing.

Cry For Me Argentina - Sanford's Swan Song

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   "There's a certain irony to this." 

   And with that, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford receives Policywanker's coveted NO SHIT, SHERLOCK AWARD for Political Excellence.

   Standing at the podium to deliver to South Carolinians what some would call a Press Conference, but Policywanker deems a painfully self-absorbed act of auto-erotic flagellation, the cracker governor careened widely between all-too-human love machine ("that whole sparking thing") and devoted public servant ("the fiduciary responsibilities I have to the people of South Carolina"). He stretched the credulity of the gathered press (some could be seen snickering at times) with tales of his Christian dedication to God's Law and something called the C Street Bible Group - a lobbying organization for Jesus, we presume.

   Now, keep in mind the local reporters have already consumed the best of his torrid emails, published recently and confirmed by his office to be legit. So his Hot Argentine Maria's "magnificent gentle kisses", seductive "tan lines" and "erotic beauty" speak louder to the governor's kink for the Horizontal Mambo than his determination to keep his hands on the wheel of his sinking Ship of State.

   An eight-year email tease went on between these two Married-With-Children adults-cum-adulterers. But is it our place to judge them? Well no, that is for them and their Gods to sort out. BUT - our place is to bask in the absolute theater of it all, when once again, a sanctimonious sumbitch politician who opposes Gay Marriage and adoption because it tarnishes the sanctity of Marriage, gets caught with his cock in the cookie jar, leading to a tearful public apology... divorce... broken families... children in therapy... and yard sales.

   And the clincher, to hide his horn-dog mission to Buenos Aires, he cooks up a fabulous fable of "hiking the Appalachian Trail" - now certain to be added to the Southern lexicon as a euphemism for getting your freak on. 

   Policywanker salutes the good governor from South Carolina with this award - and for his filling the vacant spot on a slow news cycle.

   And gives extra credit to Gov. Sanford for scheduling his fun, foreign fuckfest on Father's Day weekend. Real classy.

PETA vs. Pike Place Market Fish Throwers

AP - Seattle

   In a move certain to lose them street cred - particularly Pike Street - PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has come out swinging, issuing a strongly worded statement warning Seattle's famous fishmongers to "Handle With Care" their goods. 

   The beloved and fragrant merchants of the Pike Place Market are renowned to locals and tourists alike for their skillful and entertaining "fish toss", wherein one guy sends product soaring through the air to another, all the while shouting the customer's name and fish order.

   But PETA has had enough of the hijinks, claiming the practice was distasteful and disrespectful to the fish with "their corpses used as toys".

   Planning a protest during the upcoming convention of The American Veterinary Medical Association, PETA members are plotting to "take names and photos of the visiting vets who attend the Pike Market fish toss, bringing the protest back to their hometowns". 

   PETA president Ingrid Newkirk expressed her concern for the fish saying, "What if it was kittens? Would they throw dead kittens like that? I think not!"

   And an unofficial spokesman for Pike Place Fish, employee Swen Amundsen, voiced a philosophical reply, "I tell you what... I'd toss a dead Ingrid Newkirk for twenty-nine ninety-nine a pound. It's Copper River Salmon season, man."

   

    

Gays With Guns, a Love Story - Part Two

AP - Washington DC

   In a fantastical move to ram through legislation that allows interstate transport of concealed weapons, NRA lobbyists have hopped into bed with Gay rights activists. Senate Republicans are attempting to add a rider to the proposed anti-hate crimes legislation designed to protect homosexual citizens from gay-bashing.

   According to an anonymous Senate aide, adding expanded gun toting rights to the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act makes sense because "those gay guys need guns to protect themselves from the... ummm... the other guys with guns."

   The controversial rider has found support by at least two gay organizations, GOProud and Pink Pistols.

   "Armed Gays Don't Get Bashed" reads the online slogan for Pink Pistols (www.pinkpistols.org). Spokesperson for the group, Gwen Patton adds, "Armed Gays also get better restaurant service and cuts in the grocery store line. It's really just a matter of self-preservation."

   Critics of the legislation argue it only makes our violent society more violent. Misty Prager, of the organization Peace Through Peaceful Non-Angry Peaceful Actions, fears the worst for Hetero-Homo relations if laws like this are passed. "Picture this... Gunfight at the OK Disco... I rest my case. God loves you."

   Whether or not NRA lobbyists are successful in their efforts to tag the rider onto the bill, GOProud executive director Jimmy LaSilva predicts a new era in Gay resistance to violent homophobia. Patting a suspicious bulge under his jacket he grinned, while issuing the challenge, "Go ahead, call me a skinny fag... a I double-dog dare ya!"

   

Gays With Guns, a Love Story

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   With Gallup polling the average American's desire to see some hot man-on-man action in the military at an all-time high of 69% (insert snicker here), Gays, and those who love them, were perplexed by the Supreme Court's statement to "Talk to the hand." in their refusal to hear an appeal by former Army Capt. James Pietrangelo, dismissed under the Pentagon's infamous "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

   Damn, that was a long sentence.

   So, what we got here is a tricky presidential ploy to pull a switcheroo, according to Kevin Nix, the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network spokesman. He claims the Obama administration wants the ruling away from the courts so they can stick a presidential order up the arses of the Pentagon Brass. 

   Others claim that the president is a pussy who doesn't want to look all Clintony in his first days in office, what with the arduous tasks already on his plate, like saving the US economy, restructuring Health Care, undoing Bush's legal damages to the environment and our global prestige while keeping us safe from terrorists. 

   Critics point to the dismissal of First Lieutenant Dan Choi, who publicly came out on the Rachel Maddow Show (she has that effect on men), as evidence that the president was willing to undermine national security (Choi is a skilled Arabic translator) to prove his manhood by punching the sissy.

   Only time will tell (cuz the Air Force Lezzies are clamming up), whether President Obama will stick to his guns and keep his campaign promise to end DADT. So far, he has shown an unwillingness to bend over.

   

   

Obama Meets With Saudi Grand Wazir of All the World

AP - The Magical Kingdom of Ali Baba

   Eschewing the presidential custom of donning the traditional attire of his foreign hosts, Barack Obama wore a stylish two-piece charcoal Armani suit when meeting with the Saudi Chieftain, Paul Abdul al-Toona Bin There Dun That.

   The two world leaders posed for photographs at the king's bizarrely furnished ranch outside Riyadh. Sitting comfortably in custom upholstered chairs from Sears, the president was perplexed by the life-size portrait of the king towering above them.

   "That is me!" King Abdul proudly exclaimed, "I worked as a Hollywood extra in the old silent movie days. It was great times. I met so many great movie stars. Really great."

   At which the president inquired, "You don't look that old."

   Flattered, the king smiled and confessed, "This black beard and mustache... shoe polish! Really! It's great, eh? No one can tell!"

   President Obama continues his fantastical foreign tour with stops in Cairo to meet the mummy of Pharaoh Ramses the Third and on to France where he will place flowers at the Tomb of the Unknown Mime.

   

Bill Clinton is A Whore

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   Really? $2500 a ticket?

   And people paid it...? Canadians are idiots.

   So, what did they get in Toronto at sadly, the first of many Bush(=Dog) and Clinton(=Pony) Shows? Two pricey pieces of old ass complimenting each other's presidential prowess and dick size.

   Calling him "brother", Bush high-fived Clinton and joked about how they "used to believe in free speech". Get it? Now, they're paid.

   The 6000 suckers, eh, Canadians... were disappointed by the lack of venom, or intelligence, displayed by the two exes. Instead, the audience was treated to a pussy-footed love fest, while over a hundred protesters logged their disapproval on the streets outside.

   The onstage conversation can best be summarized by the following likely exchange backstage...

   Clinton: You da man!

   Bush: No, buddy, you are!

   Clinton: No, you are!

   Bush: You! You are the MAN!

   ...and so on.

   Bill Clinton proved himself, once again, to be the self-serving attention-starved douchebag we have all come to understand and ignore.

   Will no one rid us of these troublesome priests?

The Faces of Torture

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   As the media chews on and spits out a steady stream of whodunnits and whyfors on the issue of "Did we? - or Didn't we?", how long are we going to digest, without barfing, the truth of our own national culpability?

   Like the legend of The Good German, the one who said "Nein" to the Easy-Bake Ovens, The Good American is being paged. Please stand up, Sir or Madam, and tell us how you feel. Please, look to the dock and point out the perpetrator of this vile act.

   The image Policywanker finds most disturbing from Abu Ghraib is not the hooded man awaiting electrocution, or the naked pig pile of excrement spotted prisoners, or even the dog attacks... it is the woman above, flashing an All-American Pepsi-Cola smile, happy to be pretty, young and in power - while a man in her care has just been murdered.

   Who must answer for this? All of us. 

  

Miss California Provides Trump Lip Service

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   OK, first let me ask a dumb question: Does this woman really deserve our attention?

She ran for Miss American Tits and Ass - and lost. That's all that happened. Really. No one cares about her opinion on Africa, or Health Care or Lesbian Love... well, Donald Trump may feel otherwise.

   But as the California Supreme Court teeters on the brink of reinstalling the transmission in the Gay Marriage bus, Miss California, always the bridesmaid, pitches her Revival Tent of Bigotry on the courthouse lawn and Trump calls a press conference. The content of Miss CA's speech (youtube it for a laugh) is breathtaking in it's self-serving "Victimized Champion" approach. 

   She imagines herself in the center of a "media firestorm" and she, the breast-augmented lone lamb of God against the wolves of Gaydom. "God Hates Fags... No offense." 

   She goes on to sincerely deliver a selection of random bumper sticker cliches from Support Our Troops to God Bless America with equal simpering. "My blouse blew open", explains away her boob pics on the internet, because she, after all, is a Christian Miss, and never ever would she sell herself cheaply for monetary gain. Up the ante and it's a different matter.

   I hope she enjoys her brief moment in the ring, duking it out like a punch-drunk modern-day Anita Bryant, but I would add one thing to her line of reasoning - God Also Hates Bigoted Lying Sluts... No offense.

Swine Flu Patient Zero Identified

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   As the World Media works round the clock to insure that everyone is terrified to be in public without hand sanitizer, CDC investigative scientists have identified Patient Zero in the heralded Swine Flu epidemic.

   Two year-old Johnnie Peabody appears to be the culprit after Frenching a Mexican puerco in Chihuahua last February. Johnnie is fine now after a medical regimen of Chicken soup and crackers.

   Last year, over 36,000 people died from complications of "Regular Old Flu". Up from previous years, but certainly not Front Page headline-worthy news.

   So, instead of the hysteria (e.g. the healthy and gorgeous Mexican Soccer Team was forced to wear surgical masks as they made their way through Chicago's O'Hare airport for fear of... fear, I guess) can we all please take a collective uncovered breath of sanity?

   Jeez-oh-Pete!

   Maybe we could focus on Universal Health Care as a weapon against pandemics, instead of Home Depot paint masks...?

Swine Flu Hits Congress - Waxman Shows Symptoms

Policywanker Editorial

SWINE FLU = PIGS FLY

   If we are to believe the hysteria as reported on the nightly news - we all better heavily dowse ourselves with anti-bacterial hand soap and scrub for 20 seconds.

   Even President Obama was subjected to a "Symptoms Watch" News Alert... you know, just in case. After all, he was in Mexico and ate the taco salad. 

   In this slow news cycle atmosphere, who doesn't love a good Pandemic Scare? After all, the Republicans nixed Pandemic Preparedness Budget money, in favor of... I don't know, let's say Tax Reduction.

   But let's take a little look back in time, to the last Swine Flu Pandemic Scare. In February of 1976, Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare F. David Matthews, issued a prediction that a Swine Flu outbreak had come to our shores and would kill at least a million people.

   Didn't happen.

   What did happen was... then-president Ford got to look all presidenty and ready for re-election. He hosted a White House press conference with Jonas Salk, of heroic vaccine fame, to give street cred to the scare. Congress was muscled into relieving Big Drug companies from liability if the fast track Flu Vaccines did bad things instead of good. Lots of money went to Big Drug to save us.

   So, bad things did happen. This Little Piggy got roast beef. And people died after receiving the vaccine.

   And the Swine flew... went away. Replaced in prominence by Legionnaire's Disease, a much more exotic sounding and really deadly malady. Ford lost his edge on being an American saviour and went the way of the flu... chills and fever with fluids and plenty of rest.

   So what can we learn here, students?

   Beware the CAPITOL LETTERS in print and adverts. We are being sold something. 

   NEW! IMPROVED! SWINE FLU!

   Step right up, get your masks here...

   

Pastor Warren Shows He's Versatile - Likes to Flip-Flop

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   After his appearance with a dubious Larry King, where he claimed he never, ever, "never once gave an endorsement" of California's Proposition 8 outlawing gay marriage, Evangelical Pitchman and big, fat liar Rick Warren, has shocked and disappointed his deluded followers and other Christian fanatics.

   Bishop Harry "High Horse" Jackson, pastor of Hope Christian Church in Beltsville (really? somewhere in the "Bible Belt" maybe?), after hearing Warren's about-face whined to reporters, "This is a major distraction in this battle for the culture we are experiencing."

   Warren cancelled an Easter Sunday appearance with George Stephanopolous at the last minute, claiming, "I wanted to talk to George about fashion trends for Easter cuz he's such a little bunny, but when I heard it was all about the gays and Prop 8... again! I mean girl... get over it... Hel-looo...!"

   After the shitstorm from conservative Christians hit the airwaves, Warren retreated to his private estate, Compound W, and issued a statement to the media requesting "personal time to reflect on the arisen Christ at this pretty pink and yellow time of year".

   Policywanker weighs in on Warren's flip-flop. I say let's leave the poor guy alone. Here he is reaching out to the gays in the spirit of brotherly Christian love - the least we can do is offer a reach-around in return.

Blame Jack Sparrow for Somali Pirates

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

   OK, is it me - or does the media get a hard-on every time they print the word "Pirate"?

   And we all share in a collective  "Aarrrr..." with a grin and a wink. Cuz we're in on it, right?

   Pirates are cool. Pirates are outlaws. Pirates are bad, but hot. 

   But wait a Buccaneering minute here -  now we have these Somali pirates. Ugly as fuck peasants with assault weapons. Where's the romance? Where's the mascara? Where's the box office?

   It's just not the same swashbuckling romp as we want, cuz where's the sex? Where's Johnny Fucking Depp?

   No. The Somali Pirates are merely your run-of-the mill dollar store terrorists. Thugs with boats. So, let's call a spade a spade (insert liberal kneejerk here) and name them what they are - oppressed and impoverished criminals willing to die to get their hands on some of that good pie everyone else seems to have plenty of... 

   Are they worth global media coverage? Are they lead story material?

   Someone get them a reality show... STAT!

New Economic Indicator - Men's Underpants Are Down

AP - New York

   Taking their cue from Alan Greenspan's forecasting techniques - he linked the sales of men's undergarments as a reliable indicator on the health of the economy - financial analysts are warning of dire straits ahead.

   A study released this week by Mintel, a global market research company, projects 2009 US sales of men's personal apparel down 2.3 per cent.

   Matt Hall, a spokesman for Hanesbrands Inc, claimed that, "Men's basic apparel products have the least fluctuating sales of all. So when we see underwear down, we'll be on our knees in short order."

Obama Pardons Turkey

AP - Istanbul

   While wowing the citizens of Turkey on his recent East-meets-West national tour, President Obama delivered an emotional plea to the Turkish Parliament in Ankara for mutual respect and support. 

   Earlier in the day, while paying respects at the tomb of the revered Mustafa Ataturk, the revolutionary secularist leader who abolished both the veil and the fez, leading the nation by force into the 20th century, President Obama spoke of the need to reconcile the differences of the past with a strong friendship between our respective nations.

   This new note of conciliation strikes a remarkably different chord than former president Bush on his clumsy mission to Istanbul, when he referred to their national hero as "Attaboy" and chuckled.

   One odd note from Obama's visit that still perplexes is the on-air reporting by an Istanbul based anchor - who gave his report on the president's speech in "black face".

    

Who Owns Our Debt... A Shocking List of Lenders

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

File Under: Who Screwed The pooch?

Listed below is the GAO breakdown of what we owe and to whom, nation-wise.

It's a mindfuck of numbers (in billions) that amount to why no one wants our economy to fail. They ALL have a dog in this fight.

Note: Third on the list, "Oil Exporters" enjoy a mysterious sobriquet, but be not fooled. Hidden within their anonymity are Venezuela, Iran and Libya. So, who exactly are the bad guys anymore?

China's Stimulus Package - More Sperm Banks and World Domination

AP - Beijing

   In an effort to stockpile massive quantities of Chinese sperm for future world domination, the Chinese government has opened Sperm Banks in every metropolitan city across China. Staff and donors are working around the clock to fulfill Beijing's demand for more Chinese babies.

   Sources say the plan includes a "sleeper cell" plot to offer babies for adoption in Western countries and at a pre-arranged moment, to come around 2020, these spies will activate the Chinese strategy to take over the world.

   The White House has so far refused to comment on the topic, but conservative radio host and big, fat fuck Rush Limbaugh accuses homosexual American males of being in on the plot. "I mean, come on, look at the Hollywood queers with all those Chinese girl babies..." He proclaimed recently during a broadcast, "It's mighty suspicious. Clearly, they made some kind of pact with the Devil in Beijing. Mark my words, people, the Commie Fags are coming!"

Nazi Pope Meets Pygmy Tribe - Demands Souvenir Boy

AP - Cameroon

   After wowing the faithful in an SRO lunchtime Mass held in a soccer stadium, former Nazi and current deluded "Voice of God", Pope Benedict Arnold, met with a group of Cameroon's Baka tribal members, or "pygmies" as they are affectionately called. He then made his request known for a memento of his visit - the son of Chief Nbundo.

   "I like that one." the pontiff exclaimed after looking over the pint-sized delegation. 

   Chief Nbundo, shrugged after the pope's demand was translated. He then pushed the boy towards the pope's awaiting car.

   The vehicle, a specially customized open-seat Chrysler, drew almost as much attention as the pope himself, as the gathered crowd jockeyed close to see the suped-up "Christ-ler", as dubbed by the local media.

   The current reigning Queen of Cameroon, Chantal Biya, presented herself to Pope Benedict and was good natured in his refusal of her sexual skills, "If only you like my pussy," she purred, "we have good time, your Holiness."

   The pontiff's African Adventure Tour ends with a stop in Angola where he will meet with local leaders to discuss ending government corruption and reducing the high cost of silk organza needed for his garments.

Nazi Pope Hates Condoms "Too restricting to feel my love"

AP - Cameroon 

   Pope Benedict Arnold sashayed across Africa looking fabulous this week, bestowing blessings and damning to Hell anyone who crossed him. 

   Chief among those going to Hell are apparently the condom users, whose flagrant refusal to die from AIDS is a slap in the Holy Pontiff's kisser.

   Claiming the Roman Catholic Church was "the forefront in the battle against AIDS" the former Nazi pointed to his preference for pre-pubescent boys as an end to the AIDS crisis. "You're not gonna get nothing from those guys. It's foolproof."

   Claiming condom use "increased the problem" because, "No one can feel the love from il papa. It is unnatural and itches afterward."

RNC's Glimmer of Hope - Democrats Die in Greater Numbers

AP - Washington D.C.

   New data compiled by the US Department of Census indicates registered Democrats have a higher mortality rate than Republicans.

   "It's only a matter of time," crowed RNC chairman Michael Steele at yesterday's hastily called press conference. "It's a catch-up game and we're in it for the long haul."

   According to the data, urban populations show higher numbers of the population dying per capita. And since those populations register in much higher numbers as Democratic voters, the statistics indicate a direct correlation to more dead Democrats.

   Reasons for urban death vary, but include homicides, drug and alcohol related incidents, heart attacks and stroke.

   Which caused Steele to ponder future political victories, "It's in the numbers, people, we're coming back!"

   When asked for comment, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was unconcerned about the data. "Mike Steele can kiss my hairy ass. I'm from Chicago, we have no problem with dead Democrats voting. It's their right as Americans."

Clive Davis' Dirty Little Secret - He Got Chris Brown Drunk

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

Somebody's gonna get a beatin'...

   Amongst the glittering set that gathers for Clive Davis' annual pre-Grammy bash are often underage celebri-tots. These Platinum-selling players act all grown up when it comes time to par-tay - but wait... it's illegal. 

   Take for example, Rihanna and Chris Brown. Who in their right would beat on a face like Rihanna's? No one... in their right mind.

   But a liquored-up 19 year-old pop star like Brown...? He be swinging while singing "Smack dat bitch" without fear of consequence. 

   So, who's to blame - Rihanna? Reports of her diva-like temper and jealousy are supposed make it all right to wallop on her. Yes, she's a spoiled brat zillionairess. And yes, she probably pissed of her boyfriend by throwing his cell phone out the rented Lamborghini's window. But gentlemen, we DO NOT beat on our womenfolk. Re-read your manuals.

   Blame Chris? Well, yes, but he's also a spoiled byproduct of the music celebrity fame game. Name your stereotype here and it will fit. Start with the rented Lamborghini.

   I say, have Deputy Fife pay a visit to Clive Davis' house on a party night. Underage drinking is illegal. But serving liquor to teens is a jail time offense. 

   

Tanzanian Albino Killers - Not a Rock Group

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   Just when we thought it was safe to parade our lily White American asses around exotic African places like Tanzania, here come the crazed Albino Killers, a mysterious group of money-hungry murderers who are killing the Albinos of Tanzania. How many Albinos are in Tanzania, you may ask? Apparently, 45 less than there used to be.

   Authorities are asking for leads in the murders and dismemberment of the Albinos - whose hair, genitals, teeth and other body parts are prized by Witch Doctors. Once added to an elixir, Albino magic brings you wealth and prosperity if you drink it, so says the Witch Doctor brochure.

 

   Which brings Policywanker to the... 

   Important Question of the Day:  

   What in the Holy Fuck is wrong with these people?

   Now, to track down these men, because we know damn sure that this is a "man thing", Tanzanian police are asking citizens to come forward and "write down the names of suspected Albino Killers" and the squealers will be kept anonymous. This might sound good at first blush, but Policywanker (if he was an Albino Killer) would be the first in line, writing everyone else's name on that damn paper.

   According to recent news reports, a "pastor" was arrested for having Albino body parts in his home. Policywanker finds this information lacking in important details - a pastor? from what church? which Albino body parts? 

   With over 200 arrests and no convictions, so far - Policywanker issues the following advice to all Tanzanian Albinos: Get the fuck out of Tanzania!

   

  

   

GOP's Great Brown Hope Bobby Jindal is an Exorcist

POLICYWANKER BOOK CLUB

Welcome Readers, to this week's selection - a passage from Bobby Jindal's 1994 tome entitled: "Beating a Demon: Physical Dimensions of Spiritual Warfare"

In it, we learn about Susan who is battling skin cancer. She seems to smell of sulfur and is acting in erratic ways. So, she pays a visit to Bobby's "prayer group".

Enjoy:

So, remembering Sarah Palin's Wasilla Witch Hunter, a 2012 Jindal/Palin ticket would be a fucking laugh riot... or the end of America as we know it.

"I have a wet dream..." - 13 Year-Old Wows CPAC with Emotional Speach

And a child shall lead them... them, being the RNC

AP - Washington D.C.

   Speaking to a desperate crowd of whinging Republicans at Friday's CPAC (Conservative Pricks and Cunts) meeting in the nation's capitol, 13 year-old Jonathan Krohn did not disappoint those gathered to hear political platitudes from the mouths of babes.

   "Conservatism is not about the party," Krohn explained,  "...cuz it's more like the soft, chewy filling inside the crusty old hardened shell of Republicanism." 

   The pundit without pubic hair went on to outline the four principles of Conservatism to an enraptured audience, "First, respect for the Constitution - except when it's drag. Next, respect for life - except when invading a brown country. Then, less government, except when lobbying for money. And finally personal responsibility, especially those poor people."

   Krohn closed his delivery with a joke about Michelle Obama's watermelons and left as the crowd stood and cheered. He remained in the lobby for more than two hours signing copies of his book, Define Conservatism.

Bolton's Stand-Up Bomb - Suggests Nuking Chicago

AP - Washington D.C.

   Appearing in a Thursday meeting of the righteous Republican wingnuts of CPAC (Conservative Pricks and Cunts), mustachioed maniac and somehow former UN Ambassador John Bolton proposed the destruction of Chicago as a suitable lesson to educate President Obama in foreign policy.

   Bolton, who refused military service for fear of dying in Viet Nam, had the audience in guffaws when he impishly suggested it would take the bombing of an American city, "pick one at random - Chicago" to put the US back on track as an international force to be feared. "Ya gotta beat on these brown people, show 'em who's boss. Otherwise they'll screw ya."

   He went on to cajole President Obama for being soft on military goals in Iraq. "That guy is a total pussy who makes me want to puke."

   CPAC members are a coalition of politicians and Evil Masterminds dedicated to world domination through military might. Their website promotes US Foreign policy as "the primary means of responsible world governance to show that we're no fags".

Forget the Chimp - Mayor Sends Obama Watermelon Joke Email

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   In an apparent attempt at side-splitting racial humor, Los Alamitos Mayor Dan Grose sent out an email depicting the White House lawn festooned with watermelons, with the caption: "No Easter Egg hunt this year".

   He's one fucking hilarious future ex-mayor, considering he sent it to local businesswoman Keyanus Price, a black woman. She was not amused. As she explained to the Associated Press, "As a black person receiving something like this from the city-freakin'-mayor - come on!"

   Policywanker concurs.

   Grose admits sending the email, but claims he didn't know black people ate watermelons. Or that it was a stereotypical joke - OK, so... why did he send it? Cuz he's an effing liar, too, besides a bigot... and a soon-to-be-replaced mayor.

   Buh-bye.

Chimp Controversy Alert! Obama is NOT the Prophet Mohammed

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   In an effort to bring sanity to a situation made ridiculous by the shenanigans of the Rev. Al Sharpton in his never-ending battle to stay in the news, Policywanker wades into the morass of the NY Post's Chimp Stimulus Cartoon Fracas with expert advice to all those incensed by the crass racial stereotyping evident in the insensitive cartoon - "Get a fucking grip!"

   First, the cartoon takes a potshot at the stimulus package - NOT the physical hotness of our studly Commander in Chief. 

   Second, President Obama is not the Prophet Mohammed who must remain unrepresented and uncharacterized in blasphemous printed image or heads must roll.

   And third, Al Sharpton is not the anointed effing Ayatollah armed with bloody scimitar and backed by unruly mobs to lop off the heads of those infidels so sinful as to besmirch the power and grace of our president with chimpish desecrations.

   GOOGLE "Bush chimp" and you will find over a million references to our previous president for chimplike appearances and behaviors. Was it racially motivated? Hell no. Was it hilarious? Hell yes.

   The real chimp, lampooned in the NY Post cartoon - the shot dead chimp - high on green tea and Xanax, is the real loser and forgotten victim in this dumbshow. Trained to be special, then treated like a retarded Victorian child and shot dead for acting like an animal. He's the one who deserves a protest march or two. Where is outrage, people? 

   Dare Policywanker repeat himself? "Get a fucking grip!"

Businessman Works to Improve Muslim Image - Beheads Wife

AP - Buffalo

   A prominent New York businessman, who founded the BridgesTV network to present a peaceful understanding between Islam and the world and eradicate the American image of violent Muslims, has been arrested for beheading his wife at his company's Buffalo headquarters.

   Muzzammil Hassan has been charged in the murder and decapitation of his wife, Aasiya Hassan.

   Created in the aftermath of September 11, BridgesTV had as its mission the goal to "connect people through understanding - or kill them if necessary".

   Mr. Hassan is currently being held without bail. When reached for comment on his actions, he was pragmatic, "She was getting uppity, you know. I've got a job to do and I won't let any woman get in my way of improving the dialogue between Christians and Muslims. Insha'allah."

   

In Other Effed-Up Baby News - 13 Year-Old Proud Papa

AP - Sussex, UK

   He may look young to the untrained eye, but Alfie Pattan, father of newborn Maisie, is old enough to show the ladies "a good time". As evidenced by his new status as Britain's Youngest Father on Welfare.

   "It just sounded like a fun thing to do." He said of his first time sex with slutty 15 year-old Chantelle, mother of his newborn daughter. 

   All three children will live with Chantelle's alcoholic father, in the Sussex Council Flats (projects) and receive state charity. Meanwhile Alfie's dad, Dennis Steadman, finds his son "just like his 'ol dad, a charmer with the girls." Steadman beamed to reporters, "Alfie's voice may not have changed yet, but he has proven what it means to be a man."

   Unsurprisingly, Alfie is not Britain's youngest father on record. That honor goes to 12 year-old Sean Stewart, whose relationship with 15 year-old Emma Webster lasted only 6 months after the birth of their precious bundle of joy.

Octomom Welfare Womb Asks for Your Donations

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   In a breathtaking display of Welfare Fraud and old-fashioned greed, proud mom of 14 children and plastic surgery addict, Nadya Suleman, has her hand out again. This time asking for online donations to help her live out a dream of becoming Angelina Jolie.

   She is quoted on her website as saying, "I've got the lips and the kids. MORE kids even. Now Brad will love me. I know it." 

   Already stiffing California taxpayers with the check for her birthing extravaganza, Miss Suleman shows no remorse in spending $1.3 million in hospital fees of other peoples' money during a national economic meltdown.

   Reports indicate she paid for her in vitro fertilization treatments with a $165,000 award from an on-the-job back injury she received during a riot at a mental institution where she worked. Clearly, her back was cured by the weight of carrying eight infants. (Policywanker issues a Workers Comp Fraud Alert - Pay attention, people!)

   The American tradition of cashing-in has a new Spokeswhore in Miss Suleman. She has hired a publicist to handle the budding career of her premie spawn. Stay tuned for endorsement deals, Wheaties boxes and Oprah. Not bad for a bitch still receiving Food Stamps.

Cheney Regales Blogger with Predictions of Doom

AP - McLean, VA

   Situated in his new office across the hall from a quick-copy shop in suburban McLean, former puppet master Dick Cheney spins his web of deceit with few listeners.

   "I'm writing a damn book," Cheney recently bragged to a lone blogger, there to update his readers on the doings of Dastardly Dick, as he affectionately calls him.

   "And Obama better watch out. There's bombs and shit coming our way. You mark my words!" 

   The former power mad vice-president claims a sixth sense for predicting disasters, both political and environmental. "I knew that Katrina was coming. I told my wife, 'Honey, a big motherfucking hurricane is going to take out most of New Orleans.' She looked worried until I said, "...just the Black parts.' But let me tell you,  I knew I was going to shoot my buddy in the face long before I did it. These things just come to me."

   Asked for specific dangers ahead for the United States, Cheney was forthcoming. "I see nuclear fuckbombs going off in New York and Los Angeles. And I can't wait for that fucking crisis. Those pansy-assed pussies in Washington will pray for me to come back to lead them again. That's for shit-sure."

POLICYWANKER Demonstrates How to Work the Red Carpet

Nazi Pope Pisses Off The Jews and the Cowboys

AP - Vatican City

   Outrage was the common denominator in the reactions by Jewish leaders upon hearing the announcement that Pope Benedict Arnold XVI had lifted the excommunications of renegade Bishop Richard Williamson and three other bishops who belong to the Society of Saint Pius X.

   The secretive sect was founded by Archbishop Lefebrve in the 1960s as a reaction to the Vatican II reformations. Followers of the cult are known to only speak to each other in an archaic form of Latin. 

   Bishop Williamson, who goes by the sect name of "Utt-bay Uck-fay", is a renowned Holocaust denier and was quoted as saying, "Jews Schmews. No way did 6 million of them die in gas chambers. Have you been to Florida? There they are! And yes, some did die in the camps. But those were common household accidents... slipping in the shower, falling off roofs, that sort of thing."

   Pope Benedict Arnold XVI was unavailable for comment, but a Vatican spokesman said of the controversial reinstatements, "We are reaching out to all Christians during these tumultuous times. His Holiness will be wearing a gown by Dior at the reinstatement ceremonies. And Donna Karan at the reception following. With a sassy red cowboy hat and purse by LaCroix."