New Economic Indicator - Men's Underpants Are Down

AP - New York

   Taking their cue from Alan Greenspan's forecasting techniques - he linked the sales of men's undergarments as a reliable indicator on the health of the economy - financial analysts are warning of dire straits ahead.

   A study released this week by Mintel, a global market research company, projects 2009 US sales of men's personal apparel down 2.3 per cent.

   Matt Hall, a spokesman for Hanesbrands Inc, claimed that, "Men's basic apparel products have the least fluctuating sales of all. So when we see underwear down, we'll be on our knees in short order."

Obama Pardons Turkey

AP - Istanbul

   While wowing the citizens of Turkey on his recent East-meets-West national tour, President Obama delivered an emotional plea to the Turkish Parliament in Ankara for mutual respect and support. 

   Earlier in the day, while paying respects at the tomb of the revered Mustafa Ataturk, the revolutionary secularist leader who abolished both the veil and the fez, leading the nation by force into the 20th century, President Obama spoke of the need to reconcile the differences of the past with a strong friendship between our respective nations.

   This new note of conciliation strikes a remarkably different chord than former president Bush on his clumsy mission to Istanbul, when he referred to their national hero as "Attaboy" and chuckled.

   One odd note from Obama's visit that still perplexes is the on-air reporting by an Istanbul based anchor - who gave his report on the president's speech in "black face".

    

Who Owns Our Debt... A Shocking List of Lenders

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

File Under: Who Screwed The pooch?

Listed below is the GAO breakdown of what we owe and to whom, nation-wise.

It's a mindfuck of numbers (in billions) that amount to why no one wants our economy to fail. They ALL have a dog in this fight.

Note: Third on the list, "Oil Exporters" enjoy a mysterious sobriquet, but be not fooled. Hidden within their anonymity are Venezuela, Iran and Libya. So, who exactly are the bad guys anymore?

China's Stimulus Package - More Sperm Banks and World Domination

AP - Beijing

   In an effort to stockpile massive quantities of Chinese sperm for future world domination, the Chinese government has opened Sperm Banks in every metropolitan city across China. Staff and donors are working around the clock to fulfill Beijing's demand for more Chinese babies.

   Sources say the plan includes a "sleeper cell" plot to offer babies for adoption in Western countries and at a pre-arranged moment, to come around 2020, these spies will activate the Chinese strategy to take over the world.

   The White House has so far refused to comment on the topic, but conservative radio host and big, fat fuck Rush Limbaugh accuses homosexual American males of being in on the plot. "I mean, come on, look at the Hollywood queers with all those Chinese girl babies..." He proclaimed recently during a broadcast, "It's mighty suspicious. Clearly, they made some kind of pact with the Devil in Beijing. Mark my words, people, the Commie Fags are coming!"

Nazi Pope Meets Pygmy Tribe - Demands Souvenir Boy

AP - Cameroon

   After wowing the faithful in an SRO lunchtime Mass held in a soccer stadium, former Nazi and current deluded "Voice of God", Pope Benedict Arnold, met with a group of Cameroon's Baka tribal members, or "pygmies" as they are affectionately called. He then made his request known for a memento of his visit - the son of Chief Nbundo.

   "I like that one." the pontiff exclaimed after looking over the pint-sized delegation. 

   Chief Nbundo, shrugged after the pope's demand was translated. He then pushed the boy towards the pope's awaiting car.

   The vehicle, a specially customized open-seat Chrysler, drew almost as much attention as the pope himself, as the gathered crowd jockeyed close to see the suped-up "Christ-ler", as dubbed by the local media.

   The current reigning Queen of Cameroon, Chantal Biya, presented herself to Pope Benedict and was good natured in his refusal of her sexual skills, "If only you like my pussy," she purred, "we have good time, your Holiness."

   The pontiff's African Adventure Tour ends with a stop in Angola where he will meet with local leaders to discuss ending government corruption and reducing the high cost of silk organza needed for his garments.

Nazi Pope Hates Condoms "Too restricting to feel my love"

AP - Cameroon 

   Pope Benedict Arnold sashayed across Africa looking fabulous this week, bestowing blessings and damning to Hell anyone who crossed him. 

   Chief among those going to Hell are apparently the condom users, whose flagrant refusal to die from AIDS is a slap in the Holy Pontiff's kisser.

   Claiming the Roman Catholic Church was "the forefront in the battle against AIDS" the former Nazi pointed to his preference for pre-pubescent boys as an end to the AIDS crisis. "You're not gonna get nothing from those guys. It's foolproof."

   Claiming condom use "increased the problem" because, "No one can feel the love from il papa. It is unnatural and itches afterward."

RNC's Glimmer of Hope - Democrats Die in Greater Numbers

AP - Washington D.C.

   New data compiled by the US Department of Census indicates registered Democrats have a higher mortality rate than Republicans.

   "It's only a matter of time," crowed RNC chairman Michael Steele at yesterday's hastily called press conference. "It's a catch-up game and we're in it for the long haul."

   According to the data, urban populations show higher numbers of the population dying per capita. And since those populations register in much higher numbers as Democratic voters, the statistics indicate a direct correlation to more dead Democrats.

   Reasons for urban death vary, but include homicides, drug and alcohol related incidents, heart attacks and stroke.

   Which caused Steele to ponder future political victories, "It's in the numbers, people, we're coming back!"

   When asked for comment, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was unconcerned about the data. "Mike Steele can kiss my hairy ass. I'm from Chicago, we have no problem with dead Democrats voting. It's their right as Americans."

Clive Davis' Dirty Little Secret - He Got Chris Brown Drunk

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

Somebody's gonna get a beatin'...

   Amongst the glittering set that gathers for Clive Davis' annual pre-Grammy bash are often underage celebri-tots. These Platinum-selling players act all grown up when it comes time to par-tay - but wait... it's illegal. 

   Take for example, Rihanna and Chris Brown. Who in their right would beat on a face like Rihanna's? No one... in their right mind.

   But a liquored-up 19 year-old pop star like Brown...? He be swinging while singing "Smack dat bitch" without fear of consequence. 

   So, who's to blame - Rihanna? Reports of her diva-like temper and jealousy are supposed make it all right to wallop on her. Yes, she's a spoiled brat zillionairess. And yes, she probably pissed of her boyfriend by throwing his cell phone out the rented Lamborghini's window. But gentlemen, we DO NOT beat on our womenfolk. Re-read your manuals.

   Blame Chris? Well, yes, but he's also a spoiled byproduct of the music celebrity fame game. Name your stereotype here and it will fit. Start with the rented Lamborghini.

   I say, have Deputy Fife pay a visit to Clive Davis' house on a party night. Underage drinking is illegal. But serving liquor to teens is a jail time offense. 

   

Tanzanian Albino Killers - Not a Rock Group

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   Just when we thought it was safe to parade our lily White American asses around exotic African places like Tanzania, here come the crazed Albino Killers, a mysterious group of money-hungry murderers who are killing the Albinos of Tanzania. How many Albinos are in Tanzania, you may ask? Apparently, 45 less than there used to be.

   Authorities are asking for leads in the murders and dismemberment of the Albinos - whose hair, genitals, teeth and other body parts are prized by Witch Doctors. Once added to an elixir, Albino magic brings you wealth and prosperity if you drink it, so says the Witch Doctor brochure.

 

   Which brings Policywanker to the... 

   Important Question of the Day:  

   What in the Holy Fuck is wrong with these people?

   Now, to track down these men, because we know damn sure that this is a "man thing", Tanzanian police are asking citizens to come forward and "write down the names of suspected Albino Killers" and the squealers will be kept anonymous. This might sound good at first blush, but Policywanker (if he was an Albino Killer) would be the first in line, writing everyone else's name on that damn paper.

   According to recent news reports, a "pastor" was arrested for having Albino body parts in his home. Policywanker finds this information lacking in important details - a pastor? from what church? which Albino body parts? 

   With over 200 arrests and no convictions, so far - Policywanker issues the following advice to all Tanzanian Albinos: Get the fuck out of Tanzania!

   

  

   

GOP's Great Brown Hope Bobby Jindal is an Exorcist

POLICYWANKER BOOK CLUB

Welcome Readers, to this week's selection - a passage from Bobby Jindal's 1994 tome entitled: "Beating a Demon: Physical Dimensions of Spiritual Warfare"

In it, we learn about Susan who is battling skin cancer. She seems to smell of sulfur and is acting in erratic ways. So, she pays a visit to Bobby's "prayer group".

Enjoy:

So, remembering Sarah Palin's Wasilla Witch Hunter, a 2012 Jindal/Palin ticket would be a fucking laugh riot... or the end of America as we know it.

"I have a wet dream..." - 13 Year-Old Wows CPAC with Emotional Speach

And a child shall lead them... them, being the RNC

AP - Washington D.C.

   Speaking to a desperate crowd of whinging Republicans at Friday's CPAC (Conservative Pricks and Cunts) meeting in the nation's capitol, 13 year-old Jonathan Krohn did not disappoint those gathered to hear political platitudes from the mouths of babes.

   "Conservatism is not about the party," Krohn explained,  "...cuz it's more like the soft, chewy filling inside the crusty old hardened shell of Republicanism." 

   The pundit without pubic hair went on to outline the four principles of Conservatism to an enraptured audience, "First, respect for the Constitution - except when it's drag. Next, respect for life - except when invading a brown country. Then, less government, except when lobbying for money. And finally personal responsibility, especially those poor people."

   Krohn closed his delivery with a joke about Michelle Obama's watermelons and left as the crowd stood and cheered. He remained in the lobby for more than two hours signing copies of his book, Define Conservatism.

Bolton's Stand-Up Bomb - Suggests Nuking Chicago

AP - Washington D.C.

   Appearing in a Thursday meeting of the righteous Republican wingnuts of CPAC (Conservative Pricks and Cunts), mustachioed maniac and somehow former UN Ambassador John Bolton proposed the destruction of Chicago as a suitable lesson to educate President Obama in foreign policy.

   Bolton, who refused military service for fear of dying in Viet Nam, had the audience in guffaws when he impishly suggested it would take the bombing of an American city, "pick one at random - Chicago" to put the US back on track as an international force to be feared. "Ya gotta beat on these brown people, show 'em who's boss. Otherwise they'll screw ya."

   He went on to cajole President Obama for being soft on military goals in Iraq. "That guy is a total pussy who makes me want to puke."

   CPAC members are a coalition of politicians and Evil Masterminds dedicated to world domination through military might. Their website promotes US Foreign policy as "the primary means of responsible world governance to show that we're no fags".

Forget the Chimp - Mayor Sends Obama Watermelon Joke Email

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   In an apparent attempt at side-splitting racial humor, Los Alamitos Mayor Dan Grose sent out an email depicting the White House lawn festooned with watermelons, with the caption: "No Easter Egg hunt this year".

   He's one fucking hilarious future ex-mayor, considering he sent it to local businesswoman Keyanus Price, a black woman. She was not amused. As she explained to the Associated Press, "As a black person receiving something like this from the city-freakin'-mayor - come on!"

   Policywanker concurs.

   Grose admits sending the email, but claims he didn't know black people ate watermelons. Or that it was a stereotypical joke - OK, so... why did he send it? Cuz he's an effing liar, too, besides a bigot... and a soon-to-be-replaced mayor.

   Buh-bye.

Chimp Controversy Alert! Obama is NOT the Prophet Mohammed

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   In an effort to bring sanity to a situation made ridiculous by the shenanigans of the Rev. Al Sharpton in his never-ending battle to stay in the news, Policywanker wades into the morass of the NY Post's Chimp Stimulus Cartoon Fracas with expert advice to all those incensed by the crass racial stereotyping evident in the insensitive cartoon - "Get a fucking grip!"

   First, the cartoon takes a potshot at the stimulus package - NOT the physical hotness of our studly Commander in Chief. 

   Second, President Obama is not the Prophet Mohammed who must remain unrepresented and uncharacterized in blasphemous printed image or heads must roll.

   And third, Al Sharpton is not the anointed effing Ayatollah armed with bloody scimitar and backed by unruly mobs to lop off the heads of those infidels so sinful as to besmirch the power and grace of our president with chimpish desecrations.

   GOOGLE "Bush chimp" and you will find over a million references to our previous president for chimplike appearances and behaviors. Was it racially motivated? Hell no. Was it hilarious? Hell yes.

   The real chimp, lampooned in the NY Post cartoon - the shot dead chimp - high on green tea and Xanax, is the real loser and forgotten victim in this dumbshow. Trained to be special, then treated like a retarded Victorian child and shot dead for acting like an animal. He's the one who deserves a protest march or two. Where is outrage, people? 

   Dare Policywanker repeat himself? "Get a fucking grip!"

Businessman Works to Improve Muslim Image - Beheads Wife

AP - Buffalo

   A prominent New York businessman, who founded the BridgesTV network to present a peaceful understanding between Islam and the world and eradicate the American image of violent Muslims, has been arrested for beheading his wife at his company's Buffalo headquarters.

   Muzzammil Hassan has been charged in the murder and decapitation of his wife, Aasiya Hassan.

   Created in the aftermath of September 11, BridgesTV had as its mission the goal to "connect people through understanding - or kill them if necessary".

   Mr. Hassan is currently being held without bail. When reached for comment on his actions, he was pragmatic, "She was getting uppity, you know. I've got a job to do and I won't let any woman get in my way of improving the dialogue between Christians and Muslims. Insha'allah."

   

In Other Effed-Up Baby News - 13 Year-Old Proud Papa

AP - Sussex, UK

   He may look young to the untrained eye, but Alfie Pattan, father of newborn Maisie, is old enough to show the ladies "a good time". As evidenced by his new status as Britain's Youngest Father on Welfare.

   "It just sounded like a fun thing to do." He said of his first time sex with slutty 15 year-old Chantelle, mother of his newborn daughter. 

   All three children will live with Chantelle's alcoholic father, in the Sussex Council Flats (projects) and receive state charity. Meanwhile Alfie's dad, Dennis Steadman, finds his son "just like his 'ol dad, a charmer with the girls." Steadman beamed to reporters, "Alfie's voice may not have changed yet, but he has proven what it means to be a man."

   Unsurprisingly, Alfie is not Britain's youngest father on record. That honor goes to 12 year-old Sean Stewart, whose relationship with 15 year-old Emma Webster lasted only 6 months after the birth of their precious bundle of joy.

Octomom Welfare Womb Asks for Your Donations

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

   In a breathtaking display of Welfare Fraud and old-fashioned greed, proud mom of 14 children and plastic surgery addict, Nadya Suleman, has her hand out again. This time asking for online donations to help her live out a dream of becoming Angelina Jolie.

   She is quoted on her website as saying, "I've got the lips and the kids. MORE kids even. Now Brad will love me. I know it." 

   Already stiffing California taxpayers with the check for her birthing extravaganza, Miss Suleman shows no remorse in spending $1.3 million in hospital fees of other peoples' money during a national economic meltdown.

   Reports indicate she paid for her in vitro fertilization treatments with a $165,000 award from an on-the-job back injury she received during a riot at a mental institution where she worked. Clearly, her back was cured by the weight of carrying eight infants. (Policywanker issues a Workers Comp Fraud Alert - Pay attention, people!)

   The American tradition of cashing-in has a new Spokeswhore in Miss Suleman. She has hired a publicist to handle the budding career of her premie spawn. Stay tuned for endorsement deals, Wheaties boxes and Oprah. Not bad for a bitch still receiving Food Stamps.

Cheney Regales Blogger with Predictions of Doom

AP - McLean, VA

   Situated in his new office across the hall from a quick-copy shop in suburban McLean, former puppet master Dick Cheney spins his web of deceit with few listeners.

   "I'm writing a damn book," Cheney recently bragged to a lone blogger, there to update his readers on the doings of Dastardly Dick, as he affectionately calls him.

   "And Obama better watch out. There's bombs and shit coming our way. You mark my words!" 

   The former power mad vice-president claims a sixth sense for predicting disasters, both political and environmental. "I knew that Katrina was coming. I told my wife, 'Honey, a big motherfucking hurricane is going to take out most of New Orleans.' She looked worried until I said, "...just the Black parts.' But let me tell you,  I knew I was going to shoot my buddy in the face long before I did it. These things just come to me."

   Asked for specific dangers ahead for the United States, Cheney was forthcoming. "I see nuclear fuckbombs going off in New York and Los Angeles. And I can't wait for that fucking crisis. Those pansy-assed pussies in Washington will pray for me to come back to lead them again. That's for shit-sure."

POLICYWANKER Demonstrates How to Work the Red Carpet

Nazi Pope Pisses Off The Jews and the Cowboys

AP - Vatican City

   Outrage was the common denominator in the reactions by Jewish leaders upon hearing the announcement that Pope Benedict Arnold XVI had lifted the excommunications of renegade Bishop Richard Williamson and three other bishops who belong to the Society of Saint Pius X.

   The secretive sect was founded by Archbishop Lefebrve in the 1960s as a reaction to the Vatican II reformations. Followers of the cult are known to only speak to each other in an archaic form of Latin. 

   Bishop Williamson, who goes by the sect name of "Utt-bay Uck-fay", is a renowned Holocaust denier and was quoted as saying, "Jews Schmews. No way did 6 million of them die in gas chambers. Have you been to Florida? There they are! And yes, some did die in the camps. But those were common household accidents... slipping in the shower, falling off roofs, that sort of thing."

   Pope Benedict Arnold XVI was unavailable for comment, but a Vatican spokesman said of the controversial reinstatements, "We are reaching out to all Christians during these tumultuous times. His Holiness will be wearing a gown by Dior at the reinstatement ceremonies. And Donna Karan at the reception following. With a sassy red cowboy hat and purse by LaCroix."